"If I only had 24 hours left to live..."

I would want most to live a normal day with celebration and observation. The only difference being if I were scheduled to work, I would not go in! I would want to spend as much time with those I love the most and say goodbye to everyone. I want to let everyone know that they have meant something to me and reassure them that we are on good terms and that life will be okay in my absence.

I would wake up early to see the sunrise, go on a walk; spend as much time outside as I could. I might even go for an adventure (like a day-trip to Duluth and spend time by the lake). Depending on the time of the year and the location I resided I would take up outdoor activities. I would build a snow fort, go swimming, play in the leaves or plant a tree. After enjoying the most of the day, regardless of sun, rain, snow, or grey skies, I would observe the sun set. I would gaze at the stars if the sky is clear. I would enjoy a fire, watch fireflies.

On matters of the body: I would eat a nice dinner in the company of others, enjoy some chocolaty dessert. I would kiss and hug. I would cuddle and laugh with my most dearest. I would cry to feel the softness of tears, I would come to peace knowing that death is inevitable and whether or not I will know or rejoin others is of little difference once I am actually no more. What matters is loving and sharing in our lives so that we might transform the experience of life. It is extraordinary.

I believe the point of this paper is to help us identify what is important to us to be sure we are living and doing what is most important to us every single day. Create a life mission to embrace every moment and give our everything; by holding back we are not living our life to the fullest. These are obvious statements. While none of us should live to regret any day or choice, some might live with the angst of conflict, not being able to choose. If instead we could live with the mindset that all is perfect as it is and that every choice we make is the right choice we could alleviate a lot of stress and unhappiness.

"Mind Matters Most"

“The Buddha always emphasized that he taught only what he experienced by direct knowledge, and he encouraged others to develop such knowledge themselves, to become their own authorities: 'Each of you, make yourself an island, make yourself your refuge; there is no other refuge. Make truth your island, make truth your refuge; there is no other refuge.' ”  – William Hart, The Art of Living

Mind Matters Most

Mind. Matter. Mind matters. Mind matters most.

As I was sitting the other night, listening to my housemates talk about metaphysics and science, I could not help but notice my split attention. “I” was interested in their conversation but “I” also noticed a separation or disassociation within myself, which normally only occurs during deep states of meditation. Although I existed in that moment with a group of people, the sensations I gathered from within reminded me of a greater truth: that I am not this body, or rather, I am the observer that witnesses this experience. I have known this before, but I frequently forget. I found myself smiling as I remember Yogi Ramacharaka's words, they are perfect in conjunction with my friends' conversation:

All is in constant vibration. From the tiniest atom to the greatest sun, everything is in a state of vibration. There is nothing in absolute rest in nature. A single atom deprived of vibration would wreck the universe. In incessant vibration universal work is performed. Matter is being constantly played upon by energy and countless forms and numberless varieties result, and yet even the forms and varieties are not permanent. They begin to change the moment they are created, and from them are born innumerable forms, which in turn change and give rise to new forms, and so on and on, in infinite succession. Nothing is permanent in the world of forms, and yet the great Reality is unchangeable. Forms are but appearances─they come, they go, but the Reality is eternal and unchangeable.

The atoms of the human body are in constant vibration. Unceasing changes are occurring. In a few months there is almost a complete change in the matter composing the body, and scarcely a single atom now composing your body will be found in it a few months hence. Vibration, constant vibration. Change, constant change (Ramacharaka 55). 

While my friends excitedly chattered about our elemental nature, the development of technology and the evolution of our race (i.e. Moore's Law and the point at which humanity will reach the technological singularity within the coming century), I recognized what mattered in that instant: “I” did not have to come into the conversation. In other words, my ego did not have to contribute. I just listened and as I listened I rode a wave of realization, sensing a greater pattern of being and witnessing the universe encompassed. With the rise and fall of each breath I sensed the ultimate reality of matter; kalāpas passing in and out of existence.

...

As a young child I had a great sensitivity to oneness. It is with age and doubt that my inherent understanding became blocked. The following is an account of a particular memory which illustrates how peace and understanding can suddenly disappear or become inaccessible due to fear.
I share this now because it links to my current understanding of mind and how powerful unaccounted thoughts can be in assisting or negating our happiness.

Sitting in my first grade classroom, staring above the chalk board at the listing of numbers from zero to nine and the letters of the alphabet; I was not listening to my teacher, instead I actively pondered the question: Who or what was God? As the daughter of a Lutheran pastor, I was being raised with a particular understanding of the Creator and of my own mortality. Upon asking this question, I found myself led to a greater question: If God created me, who created God? Was God alone, producing God – or did God have parents too? I had flashes of insight with which I came to understand that there was no elicit beginning or end to existence and that I was not separate from God, or rather that God was the name for an experience of oneness, the source of life of which I was experiencing.

I suddenly became afraid that my questions were not allowed or that my vision would separate me from my parents and others I loved since I felt they would not understand my liberal view. It was at this point I felt as if a wall closed up or that something fogged my conception of spirit. Although I now still hold to the truth I found that day – that there is nothing but our oneness – I share this experience because it shows the power of our mind and the limits we impose upon ourselves due to fear and how easily peace of mind can be disturbed. Our own thoughts alone have the power to shake us out of sync with inherent understanding and therefore we create our own suffering.

For years I wanted a revelation, to be fed an answer. I wanted to be told what I was supposed to do with my life and have my vocation become clear to me. I searched by all means known to me: fervently whispering prayers, asking friends and confidants, as well as consulting my horoscope in the newspaper. All I found was my own frustration. For years I was on antidepressant medications which numbed my ability to feel and blocked my libido and creative spirit. Slowly, I have slowly learned to live an unmedicated life and have begun to experience a full range of emotion. I have found that I can trust my gut, learning that no thing and no one else can be my teacher.

Beyond any other tool I have found, yoga and meditation have helped me overcome mental suffering. I have learned that suffering is caused by attachment to people, ideas, things or wishes. Furthermore, my mental suffering occurs most when “I” am holding fast to a sense of identity or a need to be right, as well as the false notion that life should be stable and unchanging. All of these core myths form the source of discontent in my life. When I am not paying attention, I forfeit clarity and am overtaken by Ego, neediness and clinging. Fortunately, I have found freedom in the realization that:

The real Self is not the body or even the mind of man. These things are but a part of his personality, the lesser self... The real Self is independent of the body, which it inhabits, and is even independent of the mechanism of the mind, which it uses as an instrument. The real Self is a drop from the Divine Ocean, and is eternal and indestructible. It cannot die or be annihilated, and no matter what becomes of the body, the real Self still exists. It is the Soul. Do not think of your Soul as a thing apart from you, for YOU are the Soul, and the body is the unreal and transitory part of you which is changing in material every day, and which you will someday discard. You may develop the faculties so that they will be conscious of the reality of the Soul, and its independence of the body. The Yogi plan for such development is by meditation upon the real Self or Soul, accompanied by rhythmic breathing (Ramacharaka 74).

While I do continue to experience moments of anger, fear, frustration and sadness, I recognize these as emotional states and try not to associate with them. Through intentional practice, being mindful of breath and empathatically listening, observing life as it is, I have expanded myself and returned to my natural state of joy. “I” have accomplished this by establishing rituals and remaining calm in the face of change. “I” used to struggle with change, but “I” have cultivated an ability to go with the flow. Fear has subsided and has been replaced with trust. Whenever balance is lost, I return to my practice and find that “I” am exactly where “I” need to be.

To develop this state of awareness is one thing, to wish it for others must be the next step in my personal evolution of spirit. This last week, we had a friend move into our home. He has a dog. I was surprised to witness this dog's experience of attachment. The dog crys and bays with prolonged tones of sadness whenever his owner leaves, be it morning or night. He does not trust that his owner will return; he does not like or accept this new space, or rather he does not understand it is his new home. He is not content with the present moment. In essence, this dog is displaying antithesis of my yogic experience.

I wish to some extent that I could bring this animal out of suffering, however I cannot permeate his awareness. I can sit with him and be a companion, but I cannot change the way he perceives himself in this space and time. Now, I know I am speaking about a dog's experience of attachment and suffering but the same can be true when we sit or walk with other people. As the Buddha said:
I do not carry anyone on my shoulders to take him to the final goal. Nobody can carry anyone else on his shoulders to the final goal. At most, with love and compassion one can say, “Well, this is the path, and this is how I have walked on it. You also work, you also walk, and you will reach the final goal.” But each person has to walk himself, has to take every step on the path himself. He who has taken one step on the path is one nearer the goal. He who has taken one hundred steps is one hundred steps nearer the goal. He who has taken all the steps on the path has reached the final goal. You have to walk on the path yourself” (Hart 23).

We must remember that words of wisdom from others act as simply as fingers pointing at the moon, not the moon itself. We must remember that actual experience, first-hand is the only way to knowing. While my well wishes cannot free this animal from suffering, perhaps my story about desiring freedom from anguish will lighten your spirit and help you to create space for others who likewise cannot be carried down the path of liberation; they must walk the path themselves.

In Everyday Zen: Love and Work, Charlotte Joko Beck kindly points out the dualisms we like to entertain – “that there's me and then there's life outside of me.” To overcome this delusion she stresses the importance of individual practice. We must sit with ourselves. For “as long as we approach our lives in this way we will bend all of our efforts to finding something or somebody else to handle our lives for us” (Beck 39-40). Sitting is not always pleasant but we must do the work. It is only by sitting that we realize that we can recognize the ultimate reality of oneness. By sitting we can overcome our fears and anxieties, learning to recognize them as they are and not let them steer our mind. Instead we use our mind as a tool. Yoga is about persistence; learning to harnessing the wild horses of our thoughts, taking the reins and breathing into focus the present moment. In

developing our capacity to observe and remain focused, we become more powerful than the citta vrittis in our mind.

Through practice we can separate ourselves from our emotions by creating “A Bigger Container.” That means stepping back and observing our experience. What is then created is an increased capacity for holding space without getting upset or becoming dominated by our thoughts. This is the path to freedom. “Having more and more contact with this reality always brings compassion for others and changes our daily life. We live differently, work differently, relate to people differently. Zen is a lifelong study. It isn't just sitting on the cushion for thirty or forty minutes a day. Our whole life becomes practice, twenty-four hours a day” (Beck 6). For me, life is beginning to be experienced in this way, constant practice. As Rumi says, “Don't go back to sleep!”

...

I have tried explaining this essay topic to my loved ones who have been curious about my studies and growth along the yogic path. My Father and his wife in particular grappled with the thesis. “I don't agree with the premise,” says one; “I don't think one should have to practice mind control” says the other. These statements are contradictory in themselves and are indicative of a lack of understanding.

True, the premise mind matters most may appear a loaded statement but that is only for those who find it so. As Aviel pointed out in class, if used without context the statement “mind matters most” can be heard as devaluing, implicitly meaning that all other perspectives do not matter or somehow matter less. It is important to realize that those who are threatened by this idea do not understand what it is getting at. Whether or not the mind matters to you personally, it is all how you take it, and by you I mean the response of our Ego. Is the Ego reactive or non-reactive? My Dad thinks that the mind is the same as intuition or gut feeling and that should not be hindered, it should be listened to. I agree; we should “listen” to our minds, but we must also recognize how the mind can become overly influential or overshadow our understanding if we fail to take a step back to disassociate with our Ego. If we aren't paying attention, we can easily let fear or anger “drive our car.”

Finally there was a concern for the use of material in response to this topic. It is being addressed here because is an example of perception. Being a clergy person and a loving parent, my Father suggested that I use passages from the Bible to “be sure to investigate and include a Christian perspective.” While again I appreciate the sentiment, I cannot speak from a particular perspective at this time. In fact, I am not speaking or thinking from any particular perspective at all. The material I am using now I have come across as a result of my studies; using a Christian lens is not where I am at right now. If it were I would use it, but since I have not, I will not. It simply does not matter. In order to live with open-mindedness we must learn to step back, listen and learn but not cling to or overvalue one perspective over another.

While wisdom can be found in the words of others, it is important that we become our own authorities. As William Hart says, “The highest authority is one's own experience of truth. Nothing should be accepted on faith alone; we have to examine to see whether it is logical, practical, beneficial. Nor having examined a teaching by means of our reason is it sufficient to accept as true intellectually. If we are to benefit from the truth, we have to experience it directly. Only then can we know it is really true.” (Hart 14-15). With experience I can assert that all the yogic axioms I have come into contact with are true. These truths can be experienced and are not in conflict with any religion or lifestyle that I can think of. 

Freedom can only come from within and with practice. Sola fide does not apply. We cannot expect to experience liberation without effort. Simply having faith in the Buddha [or Jesus or any other spiritual leader, i.e. person who has mastered the mind] or his teachings will not help to free us from suffering; neither will a merely intellectual understanding of the path. Both of these are of value only if they inspire us to put the teachings into practice. Only the actual practice... will give concrete results and change our lives for the better (Hart 17). Therefore, it is not enough to simply recognize what sounds like truth coming from others; we must find it for ourselves.

“The breezes at dawn have secrets to tell you!. Don't go back to sleep!!
You must ask for what you really want.! Don't go back to sleep!!
People are going back and forth across the doorsill where the two worlds touch,! The door is round and open. D! on't go back to sleep!”  – Rumi

Bibliography

Everyday Zen: Love & Work. Charlotte Joko Beck. Harper Collins, 1989.

The Art of Living: Vippassana Meditation as Taught by S.N. Goenka. William Hart. Harper Collins, 1987.

“The Breezes at Dawn,” Rumi. 13th Century C.E. Last Accessed 02/19/2014 at https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/77301-the-breezes-at-dawn-have-secrets-to-tell-you-don-t

The Science of Breath. Yogi Ramacharaka. Yogi Press, 2013; original publication 1904.

Email Recap for Week 02/26/14

Hello Om-ies!

I hope your week is off to a great start, snow and all :) I am recapping on Jan's behalf, so if I miss anything please feel free to reply-all to inform the group.  Thank you in advance.

Okay, so on Sunday: 

Jason led the 11:15 a.m. short form Ashtanga class and if I remember correctly Heather and Dean helped with the Sun Salutations.  We practiced for 75 minutes and played with additional poses such as: 

Chakrasana (backwards rolling from flat back through Halasana to Chaturanga Dandasana), 

Supta Padangusthasana 

   

< --- Iyengar models Supta Padaguthasana.

Upavistha Konasana (1. seated wide angle forward fold), which we took up into a balance like boat (2) and then back over our heads (3), weight on our shoulders, then rocking back up to our sit bones -balancing here (2) - then back down to floor, maintaining wide leg stretch (1) -- see below.  

                    1.       2.          

                   3.   

and Cobbler's Pose (Baddha Konasana or "bound angle"), sitting tall with the soles of our feet together, thumbs pulling feet apart like pages of a book.

We also tried 108 rounds of Kapalabhati (Breath of Fire/cleansing breath) feeling the prana build and exhaling at the end like lions.

As usual, after our short form Ashtanga class we had a 20 minute meditation ending with mettā-meditation.  We had our lunch/siesta time and came back at 2:30 to start class again.

We discussed "Mind Matters Most."  Jen, Linda, Dean and Aviel shared their papers (again, sorry if I missed anyone, going on memory alone here)!  Several good points and questions arose about the topic (i.e. in what context does mind matter, how are we acting with regard to our mind).  Jason took some time to break down the topic question and its origin was from William Heart's The Art of Living.  Essentially "Mind Matters Most" comes from the Buddha's words.  Enlightenment can only come from a pure mind.  An impure mind is filled with delusion and ignorance.  Purity of mind determines happiness/where peace comes from.  Wisdom can only arise in this state.  There are four qualities to a pure mind:  1. Love/goodwill for all.  2. Compassion.  3. Sympathetic joy.  4.  Equanimity/balance/peace.  By paying attention to our mind and acting from a place of equanimity improves how we perceive and also improves our well being.  

Michelle asked Jason to clarify why we do "flow on our own" or rather, how to meet the question when asked by our students: 

We want to empower them!  Create a leader/leader culture rather than a leader/follower culture, better enabling them to relate to their own bodies.  The best teacher is not the one guiding the class but the student (his or her self)!

To counter fear that may arise from students not used to "flowing on their own."

This is ambiguity training!  Like a road trip -- do what feels right for you.  This is not a test of your ability to remember a pattern.  This is your playtime!

Jason led us in a Slow Burn class (no blindfolds this time) to remind us all how to set it up.  Dim lighting.  Soft music.  We started on our stomachs, he brought us to our breath; yogic complete breathing.  We went through the "Master Slow Burn flow."  Baby flow with cobras, papa flow from downward dog into warrior one, humble warrior, walking our hands to the back foot and going into crescent, from which we did a side twist and then runner's lunge ending with chaturunga dandasana/downward dog, then other side.  

Jason made sure to let us know that we could incorporate whatever felt right in the moment and if we forgot the sequence to just go with the flow.  We took a moment to find our breath again in seated meditation then went big mama flow (which I am currently blanking out on, but I DO remember the logs)!  We found our first edge in uttanasana, we were reminded that even simple postures can take us to our edge if held long enough!  We also did some balancing poses, like airplane with our hands woven behind our back (what's the term for this? I want to say eagle, but that isn't it)...  Then we did some head stands... finally closed with savasana, Jason brought us full circle by talking about corpse pose - We must die to live more fully.  

When we came upright into our seated posture to close the class, Jason had us bring our hands to heard center then bow our heads.  Something to the effect of:  "With our hands we do; with our heads we think and with our eyes we see.  By bringing our heads closer to our hearts, may we become more aware of our actions, how we think and how we perceive."  This was very powerful for many in our group and of course I don't have it word for word, but I hope this helps! :)

After a short break we sat in a circle and reviewed the six stages of the (slow burn/any) class as well as the seven necessary pieces for making meaningful connections.  Bricks and mortar folks!  I will number the six stages and put in between them the seven necessary components for creating meaningful connections:

PROPER ENVIRONMENT -- internal and external -- temperature, lighting, music, aroma.  Introduce breath.  Establish inward focus.  Get Grounded.

1. Sacred Space (come as you are.  you are exactly where you are supposed to be)

USE CLEAR AND SIMPLE DIRECTIONS

2. Ignite the Spirit (breath) awaken pranayama technique; focus on getting in body, master mind.

MAKE SURE STUDENTS ARE FULLY IN THEIR BODIES/MAINTAINING THEIR BREATH/FOCUS

3. Ignite the Fire (warm up asanas, Sun Salutations A/B; "baby" and "papa" flows). Develop breath and movement.  Rhythm and swiftness.

GET STUDENTS TO THEIR EDGE; ADD ON / KEEP IT FRESH (introduce new postures, variations).  

REMEMBER Jason's tattoo ideas :P 

• No EDGE, NO growth!

• The more you feel, the more you heal!

• Pain and fear are two of the greatest teachers...

4. Build the Fire (LOGS)  Muscular endurance poses, basic variations.  Create more heat.

HELP STUDENTS SOFTEN AROUND THEIR EDGE

This means:  stay relaxed, develop determination, stay non-reactive.  Things might come up, but that is okay, this will not last forever!

5. Utilize the Fire (Yin postures/on the floor) let body release.

USE BENEFITS AND STORIES

Share the purpose.  Why are they doing this?  How is it helping them?  How are they growing?  What is thebigger meaning?

6. Conscious Surrender (closing postures/savasana).

OBSERVE MOMENTS OF SILENCE

As Johnny Kest says, "allow for at least half of your savasana (rest period) to take place in complete silence (with no talking or music whatsoever)."  

It is important to give people time for catharsis.  Corpse pose is a place to release.  

We must die to live.  

Fear and attachment are the only things in the way liberation, of knowing or feeling our Oneness.

Finally, in small groups of three or four we practiced the first few components of teaching Slow Burn (setting proper environment, creating sacred space; using clear and simple directions to ignite the spirit and making sure students are in their bodies).  After each person had a turn and gave/received feedback, we came back together as a big group and shared our findings for what is needed in this practice.  Presence.  Clarity.  Willingness to explain again.  These are only some of the talking points; can you think of others?

OUR HOMEWORK:  

First of all: BREATHE!  Second:  SMILE :D

Now it's time to HAVE FUN!  

Continue your daily disciplines (one more week everyone)!  This means practice by yourself, get out there and practice Life power yoga!  Go to Slow Burn classes -- go to Vinyasa Classes!  Observe Classes!  Teach classes!  

Take time to meditate.  

Take time to consider each bite of food mindfully for at least one meal a day.  

OBSERVE 24 HOURS OF SILENCE.  

Finish your papers (new paper topic for Sunday:  "If You had only 24 hours left to live, what would you do?")

Continue journaling

Finish remaining study guide questions/readings.  

KNOW the bricks and mortar of classes.

* If you have an interest in teaching at Lifetime and would like Jan or Jason's help getting a mentor, ask!  

* If you would like help setting up a class/feedback session, ask!

Again, if I have omitted anything in this email and you would like to bring it up, please email the group.

It has been a pleasure learning along side each and every one of you.  I appreciate the community we have created.

Peace and love be with you all,

Claire

P.S. Just in case you aren't on our Facebook group and need a little "doga" for awww and giggles I have included a link to my favorite little dogi named Poncho (get it? Dogi? Like yogi)!

Click link to see:  Yoga with Pancho

P.P.S.  I have to share this song, if you haven't heard it already or just need to take a dance break, listen to "Happy" by Pharrell Williams.  If you can believe it, I've been kicking up my heals and singing along each time I hear it, whether I'm at a red light or in the lunch room on break, it just works!  XO ... and if once isn't enough... there is an entire YouTube channel for 24 hours of Happy!  Unbelievably awesome project where people submit their own video footage, being happy.

Love you all.

Ashtanga Yoga : Chakrasana, Backwards Rolling with Kino MacGregor and Daylene Christensen

Yoga Time with a Cute Chihuahua - Pilot

Pharrell Williams - Happy (Official Music Video)

February 6, 2014: Tea Time

I am grateful that I took the opportunity to meet with Michael, Patience, Tova, Kody, Mark, Al, Molly and Angela today at Verdant Tea in Minneapolis.  We started with a Yin session at 7 p.m. and then between 8 and 9 p.m. sampled three different types of tea.  This was my first non-Lifetime class since September.  It was a nice introspective process which proved a positive way to be social in a group out in the world/in a new setting.  It even felt right to have a Yin session at a tea shop where others come and go in conversation -- as Angela our instructor said, "it's real life, things keep going on and changing but we can focus in and let the rest be back ground noise."  A new way to get through the day!  When things seem crazy around us, we can just tune it out.  Not in an arrogant way, but as a means to not further provoke the craziness!

I am excited to see Allie tomorrow; haven't spent time with her in about a year and a half.  It will be good to catch up.

For my yoga meal today I had left over Chinese food.  Lots of fresh veggies :)  I love it when a meal looks colorful.  Sometimes plates can look "blah" but this was not.  Bright/deep green peppers, solid orange carrots, brown mushrooms, yellow corn, lighter green pea pods on a bed of fried rice with tender pieces of chicken breast.  I also had a glass of whole milk, which was refreshing.  I notice when drinking the milk how restored I feel.  I have been drinking tea and water all day, this is just so different, nourished rather than astringently cleansed or washed out.  I felt full but did not eat/put more than two handfuls of food on my plate.  I did not talk with my mouth full but I did look at my phone twice, once for the time and once to write a text message... shame!  Need to just leave it in another room on silent so as to not even tempt myself.  I did remain seated and it had been four hours since my previous meal.  I ate one biteful at a time and did chew it to completion before swallowing, so at least I did that right!

Need to do my meditation next before bed.  It's been a busy day with work from 7-5, then helping Amy with her car, then coming home to eat dinner, then going to the yoga practice/tea ceremony.  Oh, I was also excited to learn about a Yin yoga teacher training intensive in March offered by a Michelle PW at the Yoga Center in Minneapolis.  Must investigate, interested.  Goodnight all!

February 3, 2014: Rejoice!

I have turned a corner!  I don't know if I wrote about it yesterday but I totally crushed teaching a Sun Salutation to a class of 40+.  I have had a smile on my face all day today and all day yesterday.  Even our talk on morality didn't get me down (I really think it has to do with where I am now and my level of understanding the dissolution of the ego and freedom from suffering).  While I get how others can get stuck on the realistic actuality of social-economic suffering (I've been there!) I believe that suffering, as was investigated by the Buddha, is of our own making.  I have always thought this.  I am not "Buddhist" per se, but I strongly resonate with the vibe of it.  Anyhow, long story short, something has changed.  It's this growing awareness that really can't be described, but it can be experienced.

I just finished reading The Art of Living: Vipanassa Meditation by S.N. Goenka.   This book describes the process of learning how to meditate (not a how-to guide but rather a look at the sensations/thoughts we might encounter as we progress along the path).

We need to let go, stop trying to have control.  We're so caught up in getting it right.  I used to care so much about linguistics/saying things correctly so as to be balanced and politically correct -- it's not that I don't care anymore, it is just that the words being used are not as as important as the message being communicated.

To jot down my daily disciplines real quick:

I had a Jimmy John's sandwich for lunch, courtesy of my boss.  They were having a board meeting and were kind enough to include me.  I was able to take about 40 minutes for myself.  I sat on my own and ate my sandwich.  I focused on the texture of the bread, the tang of the vinaigrette, the fatty smoothness of the salami and the provolone.  Yes, I am still eating meat and dairy products.  No, I did not investigate where these came from.  The tomato on my sandwich was icy cold, so I ate about half of it and removed the rest.  I admit my meal was not distraction-free.  I spent about 10 minutes reading a story in the newspaper about the death of Mr. Phillip Seymour Hoffman.  I regret to hear about his passing and I couldn't help but feel sad but indifferent about it.  I recognize the tragedy of it but am not distraught over the occurrence.  In essence, I have remained in equanimity.  Of course I did not know the man, but I greatly appreciated his acting and in a sense I mourn his passing.  I will not obsess over it as I am sure the news will...  It just harkens back to our discussion yesterday about cessation and impermanence.

Anyway, after my meal I walked several laps around the hall to stretch my legs,  I also spent some time reading The Science of Breath by Yogi Ramacharaka while I walked.  Got about 25 pages in.  Learned some fascinating facts about our lungs and circulatory system.  I feel like the writing itself is a little outdated (clearly, the use of Oriental and Occidental as terms = slightly jarring; but again, I accept it as a product of its time).  The information itself was a little visceral (the lining of the lungs is comprised of... the heart itself pumps 35,000+ pints of blood a day...) but useful as nuggets to share I am sure.

Daily Practice:  I attended Jennifer's Hot Vinyasa class at 5:45 tonight right after work.  I had originally planned to go home, eat dinner and then attend the Slow Burn or Yin class later this evening, however as I drove I found myself heading to Highland Park, not wanting to stop for fear I would turn into my slothful self and surrender to an exhausted state.  I did not sleep well last night, my bedroom was surprisingly warm with my radiators.  Nothing to complain about but surprising that it kept me up.  Anyhow, the class was packed.  Her Sun Salutation was something like this:  inhale up from forward fold, exhale side bend, inhale to center, exhale side bend, inhale up to center, back bend with hands to heard.  inhale up to center, exhale fold forward.  Inhale halfway lift, exhale hands to mat chaturanga dandasana.  Inhale upward dog, exhale downward dog.  Hang out here, exhale step forward, inhale half way lift, exhale bend closer to the knees.  Inhale all the way up and start again.  Sun B was a little different, from forward fold, utkatasana (chair) exhale fold, inhale lift, exhale plant hands step back, lower down, inhale lift, exhale back to downward dog.  Inhale right foot up behind, exhale step through to warrior one.  Exhale open out to warrior two, inhale reverse warrior, exhale hands back down to mat, vinyasa to downward dog.  Inhale left leg, same process.  Got very warm here.  Good nose breathing.  Sun C, definitely chunked but altogether: right leg up and back, step through knee to nose, exhale bring leg all the way forward between hands, plant left foot, inhale back into warrior one, exhale out into warrior two, inhale hands behind back, slight backbend to prepare, exhale humble warrior.  Inhale knee straightens to reverse triangle.  From here pivot to back foot, revolved triangle, exhale pyramid pose, inhale look up, exhale to standing splits.  Inhale, grab right foot with both hands, exhale pull leg through to standing (padangusthasana) exhale to figure four, hands at hear center, left knee bent.  A few berths, on exhale come down to mat and take crane pose (bakasana) or head stand if ready, then vinyasa to downward dog and begin on left side.  The logs were crazy.  Utkatasana with heels lifted, then pulsating to music was intense.  Enjoyed the dancing we did for a little release ("Happy" by Pharrell Williams; p.s. did you know there's 24 hours of happy on his YouTube station??) Boat was normal(ish), the forearm plank and side planks were killer.  Anyway, good class.  I felt that she really pushed me and did not let up.

Daily Gratitude:  So grateful that my body was resilient today.  I am glad I made it to class.  Happy for "Happy" :)  Cannot express how grateful I am for everything that has happened to bring me to this moment.  Off to meditate now before bed.  Sleep well you all.  Love.

February 1, 2014: Another Day, A New Beginning

I am at the Tea Garden on Grand Ave. right now, enjoying a tea latte.  I woke up at 7 a.m. this morning -- went to bed last night around 1 a.m.  after creating a sequence and a playlist for the class I was to teach today.

At 10:00 a.m. I headed out the door to pick up a treat for my participants (went to Whole Foods and picked up two slices of Vegan cake).  Made it to their house at 11:00 a.m. and proceeded to guide them through my class.  It was a really positive experience, considering how terrified I was last night.  My class went about forty-five minutes in length, so it was a little shorter than I wanted it to be.

My participants were hesitant to flow on their own throughout the practice.  They would look up at me for more, indicating they wanted more instruction after I said it was time for them to flow on their own (I got some worried looks/blank stares), so I proceeded to instruct (inhale, lift, exhale fold...).

We patiently worked together to accomplish the Sun C, but since they were not comfortable flowing on their own I cut the practice short (they did the Sun A about 10 times, Sun B about 5 times and Sun C we did twice on each side.)

I had them hold about a three-minute twisted chair pose for their log.  The second side was definitely shorter than the first by about a minute.  I was getting a lot of grunts and heavy struggled breathing/shaking legs so I explained that being frustrated with me/the duration/discomfort of the pose was not the end of the world/that meant they were doing a great job.  I pulled them out after they demonstrated fatigue/falling out several times.  From the log I had them sit on their mat and do some relaxing marichyanasa postures.  Then went on their backs for final postures such as spinal twist and savasana (no head stands or back bends today).

Overall I think it went really well.  They said they really liked it.  I know I need to work on my directions (rights and lefts) and being less wordy overall, but in general I think my descriptions were necessary without presupposing that everyone understands posture names.

The playlist I used today:

Kiss of Life,  Sade
Spinning,  Zero 7
Even After All,  Jack Johnson
Le Monde,  Thievery Corporation
200 Gigapixels,  Boreal Network
Loud Pipes,  Ratatat
All I Wanna Do,  Sheryl Crow
You're the Only Thing in Your Way,  Cloud Cult
Dawn,  Cloud Cult
Keep it Loose,  Keep it Tight,   Amos Lee
Always Love,  Nada Surf

The good news:  my students gave me great feedback.  They loved my voice, presence, confidence and hands-on adjustments.  To work on:  more descriptions, one even wanted names of postures at the end of each description/said that would be more helpful for her.

It was helpful speaking with them afterward.  It helped me feel like I challenged them but reached out to them in a helpful manner.  On a side note when I was eating lunch this afternoon it came up in discussion -- Andrew described the script he uses when waiting tables and I think that is what I need to do.  I need to design a few scripts, memorize them and create a sense of control/comfort with what I am doing.  I am sure this has been suggested all along with my course through Lifetime but I needed to have this break through on my own for it to make "ah-ha!" sense.  It doesn't have to be so scary.  I don't have to meet my work with so much resistance.  I am doing this because I love yoga and I want others to love it/what it can do for them too.

My own back is quite sore today and does not like me sitting still.  I have yet to do my own practice today so that is probably why.  I will go home shortly and go through the same sequence for myself so I can really embody what I was encouraging earlier.  Thanks for reading :)