Went to Ted's 9:30 Hatha Class; first time in his class. He has a very light spirit, a lot of laughter about bodies not being perfect/trying things out to just see how your body feels in the pose. The students in the class all seemed to love his carefree approach. I did laugh a few times too, which was nice. Diane was in class today (she is someone I met the first week I started my training; I get the feeling that she is in every morning, I just happen to be going to a lot of evening classes so our paths haven't crossed).
After class, Aviel and I stayed in the studio so that I could practice teaching. Before we went through the postures we decided to meditate together (much more motivational than meditating alone at home). So we sat in the studio, lights dimmed for 20 minutes. There were a few times where I thought I heard another person breathing in the studio but I think it was just the heating/cooling system. My mind was very stubborn and wanted to have me prioritize a list of tasks. I had to keep putting that desire aside. Aviel had a very gentle timer that went off and did not cause me to have a heart attack, which was nice! He and I talked a little about our experience meditating, I told him about my restless mind and he said his was busy too.
We then took about an hour going through the standing, balancing and seated postures. We skipped Sun A and Sun B because we had done them together that day in Ted's class (and we both feel fairly confident with these sequences). From Padagustasana to Marichyasana. I had trouble hearing his breathing but I took the time to watching his chest/ribs expand and contract and counted to five several times. It was tricky trying to determine if these breaths were his natural pace or if he was breathing slowly to accommodate for my slow direction. I asked him afterwards and the thought that it was a good pace, a little slow but that he prefers working in a slower pace. He said I had a nice cadence and that I was permissive. Aviel has a limited range of motion in some poses and I wanted to be sure I was providing accommodation for his needs, especially in standing/balancing poses. It was helpful for me to observe him and learn from him what he is not capable of doing. He was not frustrated with my questions. I don't know how to be not overly concerned with how my directions impact a practitioner with limited motion abilities. Do I trust that they (newer students) will make modifications/adjustments as necessary without my verbal guidance if I am not aware of their limitation? Do I make an announcement before the class begins to clarify my needs as an instructor ("please communicate with me if you have any concerns or questions?") or do I trust that they will ask for help if they cannot come up with a modification on their own (I will of course list those that I know in an efficient manner, but if I don't know that they can't turn their neck or reach opposite elbows...)?
Daily Yoga Meal: Ate dinner with Amy. We made Annie's mac and cheese and had peas with it. Very starchy but it was a playful meal that harkened back to our childhood. We were kind of rushed in our eating as Amy needed to leave to get to her meditation practice. We did enjoy each other's company and pleasant conversation in between bites. We remained seated and did not have any external distractions (which was an oddity because usually at her apartment music is playing all the time). I would say my serving size was appropriate and that I did not over indulge.
Daily Gratitude: Happy I was able to meet up with Amy tonight; learned that her mom Ann is on her way to New Zealand, how fantastic to be retired and have friends abroad! It was a great evening of learning for me. Amy was willing to be my student today and I led her through 3 Sun As, 3 Sun Bs and then all the standing, balancing and seated postures through Marichyasana. She is working with chronic neck pain so I was sure to check in with her throughout practice (I know this would not be done in a larger class setting but since I met with Aviel earlier today, I learned to be a little more sensitive to restrictions students have; Amy couldn't lift her gaze in any revolved/twisted posture). She said I had a very calming presence and that the pacing was good for her, so that was reassuring. It was very evident working with her where my word choices/descriptions come into play (i.e. Prasarita Padottanasana C, when I told her to come to a T shape with her hand and then clasp her hands together, I forgot to mention "behind her back, below her hips" because she clasped her hands together above her head! This was a good learning experience for me, I laughed a little and asked to start that posture over again). All in all, a very rewarding experience. We shared dinner together afterwards and then she had to head out to a meditation session at Common Grounds Meditation Center. She invited me to come along but I felt pretty zonked at that point and kind of wanted to head home to sleep. It sounds like a great place to explore though and I do enjoy group meditation, so I might join her in the near future.
Thursday, October 31, 2013
Day 38: Oct. 29, 2013
I met up with Aviel today at the studio and we went over the standing, balancing and seated postures. We only spent an hour together today so I did not get a chance to do any teaching but I let him teach me, I figured I have this entire week at my disposal for practicing so I am not in any rush.
Feeling a little moody right now. Thinking it's just hormones. Of course perhaps I'm just feeling a little bit on edge because I am just sitting around. I should be happy to not have to focus on anything before I start work next week, but I feel like I still have unfinished business to attend to, like finding a spot for my 401k from Juut to roll-over to; get a temporary health care plan... call my Farmor.
Daily Practice: standing postures, balancing postures and seated postures with Aviel.
Daily Meditation: at home after practicing with Aviel; mid-afternoon, sat in the living room. Was a little distracted by the sound of sirens outside (two distinct times fire trucks roared by). Still fighting the desire to "get stuff done."
Daily Yoga Meal Record: I did not eat a lot of whole meals today... I definitely dropped the ball. With coffee in the morning I had a scone; then I went to yoga, then I came home and ate a piece of toast. I don't think I actually ate dinner – although I did eat a bowl of cereal a few hours before I went to sleep.
Daily Gratitude: Happy I was able to meet up with Chrissy and her son Harvey today. Had a latte, my first coffee since the end of September; it was quite a treat (and while I have removed caffeine from my diet, I did not notice any effects from introducing this into my diet today).
Feeling a little moody right now. Thinking it's just hormones. Of course perhaps I'm just feeling a little bit on edge because I am just sitting around. I should be happy to not have to focus on anything before I start work next week, but I feel like I still have unfinished business to attend to, like finding a spot for my 401k from Juut to roll-over to; get a temporary health care plan... call my Farmor.
Daily Practice: standing postures, balancing postures and seated postures with Aviel.
Daily Meditation: at home after practicing with Aviel; mid-afternoon, sat in the living room. Was a little distracted by the sound of sirens outside (two distinct times fire trucks roared by). Still fighting the desire to "get stuff done."
Daily Yoga Meal Record: I did not eat a lot of whole meals today... I definitely dropped the ball. With coffee in the morning I had a scone; then I went to yoga, then I came home and ate a piece of toast. I don't think I actually ate dinner – although I did eat a bowl of cereal a few hours before I went to sleep.
Daily Gratitude: Happy I was able to meet up with Chrissy and her son Harvey today. Had a latte, my first coffee since the end of September; it was quite a treat (and while I have removed caffeine from my diet, I did not notice any effects from introducing this into my diet today).
Day 37: Oct. 28, 2013
I stayed mainly inside today. I felt pretty lethargic. I did not do any yoga postures but I did sit in silent meditation for 20 minutes. I probably would have benefitted from a longer time but I was fighting the vice of anxiousness/need to get stuff done monster.
Daily Practice: n/a
Daily Meditation: 20 minutes in the late morning.
Daily Yoga Meal: Had chicken with broccoli, cauliflower and carrots; side of brown rice. Stopped half way through meal, had too much on my plate. Saved the rest for leftovers (half a chicken breast, 1/4 cup of brown rice; had eaten all the vegetables). No distractions. Minimal conversation. Ate with Andrew, it was his night off. He cooked dinner while I helped him winterize his windows.
Daily Gratitude: Glad I was not required to do much of anything today (other than drive to Hastings and fill out paperwork for the Union job which starts next Monday). Glad I was able to spend some time with Andrew this evening; enjoyed dinner together and watched two movies! We were both feeling pretty lazy and were just happy to enjoy one another's company.
Daily Practice: n/a
Daily Meditation: 20 minutes in the late morning.
Daily Yoga Meal: Had chicken with broccoli, cauliflower and carrots; side of brown rice. Stopped half way through meal, had too much on my plate. Saved the rest for leftovers (half a chicken breast, 1/4 cup of brown rice; had eaten all the vegetables). No distractions. Minimal conversation. Ate with Andrew, it was his night off. He cooked dinner while I helped him winterize his windows.
Daily Gratitude: Glad I was not required to do much of anything today (other than drive to Hastings and fill out paperwork for the Union job which starts next Monday). Glad I was able to spend some time with Andrew this evening; enjoyed dinner together and watched two movies! We were both feeling pretty lazy and were just happy to enjoy one another's company.
Sunday, October 27, 2013
Day 36: Oct. 27, 2013
Today was a busy and fast paced day.
After the initial yoga class at 11:15 and the meditation that
followed we went over Jonny Kest's article "Five Myths of
Alignment in Yoga" from our manual (pg. 124) discussing
mainly our own misconceptions and how this article went along
with the Paul Grilley segment we watched (last week's homework was
to watch "The 8 Major Joints").
As a group we took a walk and did a
short outdoor meditation, mainly to take advantage of the
beautiful weather we had in Saint Paul! As we came back we
walked in silence to observe nature and be more mindful of our
bodies in motion.
Once we were back in the studio we
began learning the remaining standing/balancing postures from
the Ashtanga Primary Series (#12: Utthita Hasta Padaganustasana
A – #19: Virabhadrasana B)
and then started learning the short
form seated postures (#1: Dandasana – #7: Marichyasana C).
Our homework for the week is to watch
more Paul Grilley and then to practice with a partner from class the
entire Ashtanga Primary Series through the seated
posture Marichyasana C. This should take us about 45-50
minutes. That is almost the duration of an entire class! My
partner will be Aviel.
Waiting to get an email from him to see
what days work best. I also plan on practicing with Amy; she
said she is available Wednesday evening. So hopefully I'll get
at least those two opportunities in! Jan also mentioned that I
should come to her classes this week and be ready to lead Sun A and
Sun B. I think I can do this, especially if I am prepared/not
caught off guard.
Again, here is a record of what I did
today:
Yoga Meal Record: Ate with
Lynda, Sarah and Patience at Chipotle. I had a burrito bowl
with almost everything on it! I had a scoop of brown rice,
black beans, fajita/peppers and onions, carnitas (pulled pork), salsa
verde, tomato salsa and corn salsa, sour cream and queso fresco.
It was so wonderful and filling; I was not overly full (I
am sure my serving was slightly more than two handfuls). We
took turns in conversation and were not distracted by anything
outside our meal and conversation. I learned a bit about Lynda
and Patience's teacher practices and a little more about Lynda and
Sarah's lives as mothers. After our meal, Patience and I walked
down by the river for about 20 minutes, then we returned for our
siesta.
Daily Practice: Astanga
class at 11:15 with Jason/Jan. We spent a lot of time doing Sun
As and Bs, so that when it came time for standing postures we skipped
from Parivrtta Parsvakonasana (lunging twist/reverse prayer) to
Prasarita Podottanasana C (hands are clasped behind back, feet 3/4
feet apart, bending forward, holding for 5 breaths) in order to
complete the series of postures in our class. Although I
noticed this adjustment, I was not bothered and still felt like I got
the stretch I needed in order to move on to balancing postures and
then seated postures, etc.
Daily Meditation: Today in
group meditation I emulated a seated posture I have seen
Michelle and others do, which incorporates a bolster, sitting on it
hot-dog style (if this makes any sense - the bolster is between
the thighs, and the knees are on the ground on either side). This
worked really well. I had a blanket under my knees and I was
able to stay upright and not experience any discomfort or fidget
during the meditation. This contributed to a more stable/quiet mind
and a more enjoyable meditation experience. I felt more loving
and joyful during mettā-meditation today, I think that was
because I was not so fixated on my body/desire to eat lunch. I
hope I can continue this in my at-home practice!
Daily Gratitude: I am
thankful for Jan who took away my manual today and forced me to teach
from my memory. This was good. I did fine without my
crutch and figured out (for the most part) what movement came next
with which breath. There were a few confusing
seated postures but with practice I will "crush"
this! Happy to have had lunch with others today (and enjoy
Chipotle, it's been a while). Also incredibly thankful for
getting to go on two walks today, see the river and experience the
crunching of leaves underfoot. What a great blue sky we had and
what lovely sun gracing our skin. Only a slight soft breeze, I
think it was about 55ª F, which is quite great at the end of Oct.
Happy to have the week ahead of me to practice with others
and dedicate time on my own. My yoga practice has
been daily but taken the back seat these past few weeks with job
search anxieties, etc. So happy to thrive in my live with a
mini vacation before I start my new job next Monday. Whoohoo!
Day 35: Oct. 26, 2013
So sleepy right now as I write this. Working on yoga homework (scribing Sun Salutation B again and then the standing postures; need to write down their purpose/benefits). Will be consulting Beryl Birch and my Astanga manual. Also need to finish watching the lecture by Grille; saw only 2 of the 8 joints earlier. I think I am just recovering from the highs and lows of this week, not to mention just the change in season/my own cycle. I am more tired than usual. Trying to eat well and get enough rest. Hopefully tonight I will recoup even more before class tomorrow.
Yoga Meal Record: Made spaetzle with Pippa. We ate the homemade dumplings with a pot roast around 6:30 p.m. I remained seated during my meal; caught myself speaking once when I had not finished my mouthful of food (90% successful), oops/gross! Was able to focus on one bite at a time/did not try to load up fork before I had finished bite. Had just over two handfuls of food (the dumplings were very filling), but I would say my stomach did not feel more than 2/3 full. There was a lack of vegetables on the plate. I asked Pippa what had happened to the onions/carrots that had been marinating with the pot roast but she said they had been tossed after making the gravy. I was slightly disappointed but since we were all sitting down to eat I was not going to get up and make a side of vegetables and let my meal get cold. It was a delightful meal; Pippa thickened the gravy with some gingerbread crumbs (that was a first/very creative). I think we were seated for about 20 minutes total, it was not a rushed meal but it did not last a long period of time. I don't think I will have a need to snack at all tonight – the last few days I have found myself needing another meal/snack 2-3 hours after dinner time. It's already been about 2 hours and I still feel satiated, yay!
Daily Meditation: After dinner took time to sit on my own in the living room to observe silence and be still. It was more successful than recent days; I think my anxiety is finally settling down/I have accepted my decision/choosing the union job over the Seward position.
Daily Practice: 5 Sun As and 5 Sun Bs, very basic today; still recouping and not entirely energetic. Tried to keep my mind engaged with my breath and worked on engaging my bandhas in downward facing dog.
Daily Gratitude: I am thankful for another beautiful fire in the fireplace tonight. I get to work on homework/worksheets while my housemates watch a movie. It is a cozy night and I am happy that I am able to just stay home and not go out, while I am grateful to have been invited out to celebrate Halloween. I am also thankful for this morning with my Mom and Deb; they picked me up and we went to my cousin's elementary school function, an outdoor Fall Festival. It was very chilly out due to the wind, but what a special occasion! There was a representative from the DNR there and a worker from the MN Raptor Center. I was able to listen to a live band and see beautiful rescued birds (two types of falcons, an owl and an eagle). My Mom, Deb and I also enjoyed a treat from a food vendor Anchor Fish and Chips (we had fish and chips). It was nice to get outside and spend time with friends and family. I was also able to share my good news of employment with my family and they were happy for the update.
Yoga Meal Record: Made spaetzle with Pippa. We ate the homemade dumplings with a pot roast around 6:30 p.m. I remained seated during my meal; caught myself speaking once when I had not finished my mouthful of food (90% successful), oops/gross! Was able to focus on one bite at a time/did not try to load up fork before I had finished bite. Had just over two handfuls of food (the dumplings were very filling), but I would say my stomach did not feel more than 2/3 full. There was a lack of vegetables on the plate. I asked Pippa what had happened to the onions/carrots that had been marinating with the pot roast but she said they had been tossed after making the gravy. I was slightly disappointed but since we were all sitting down to eat I was not going to get up and make a side of vegetables and let my meal get cold. It was a delightful meal; Pippa thickened the gravy with some gingerbread crumbs (that was a first/very creative). I think we were seated for about 20 minutes total, it was not a rushed meal but it did not last a long period of time. I don't think I will have a need to snack at all tonight – the last few days I have found myself needing another meal/snack 2-3 hours after dinner time. It's already been about 2 hours and I still feel satiated, yay!
Daily Meditation: After dinner took time to sit on my own in the living room to observe silence and be still. It was more successful than recent days; I think my anxiety is finally settling down/I have accepted my decision/choosing the union job over the Seward position.
Daily Practice: 5 Sun As and 5 Sun Bs, very basic today; still recouping and not entirely energetic. Tried to keep my mind engaged with my breath and worked on engaging my bandhas in downward facing dog.
Daily Gratitude: I am thankful for another beautiful fire in the fireplace tonight. I get to work on homework/worksheets while my housemates watch a movie. It is a cozy night and I am happy that I am able to just stay home and not go out, while I am grateful to have been invited out to celebrate Halloween. I am also thankful for this morning with my Mom and Deb; they picked me up and we went to my cousin's elementary school function, an outdoor Fall Festival. It was very chilly out due to the wind, but what a special occasion! There was a representative from the DNR there and a worker from the MN Raptor Center. I was able to listen to a live band and see beautiful rescued birds (two types of falcons, an owl and an eagle). My Mom, Deb and I also enjoyed a treat from a food vendor Anchor Fish and Chips (we had fish and chips). It was nice to get outside and spend time with friends and family. I was also able to share my good news of employment with my family and they were happy for the update.
Saturday, October 26, 2013
Day 34: Oct. 25, 2013
Daily Meal Record: Had dinner with Amy. We walked to a local Thai restaurant, ordered a few egg rolls and two curry dishes; one was the bung bo (a yellow curry dish with lemon grass and beef) and the other was a red curry with roasted duck, tomatoes and peas. She had never had duck before (Amy has been a vegetarian for several years but is reintroducing meat as a source of protein back into her life per doctor recommendations, she has had a lot of issues lately and eating beans and nuts is not sufficient for her). Each were made with coconut milk and were mild-medium spice level. I ate a moderate amount; spacing it out over the course of an hour or so after we made the walk home (we ordered it to go). We did not eat without distraction, however; it was a date night and she wanted to watch a movie together, so technically this was not a yoga meal but I felt myself more absorbed in my eating than paying attention to the movie. The flavors and eating experience were so dynamic and it was great to eat in her company. I ate a proper amount and stopped when I was satiated. There was plenty afterwards for leftovers, which I left with her.
Daily Practice: Woke up at Andrew's; did 5 Sun Salutations As and 5 Bs to start my day. Again, did not focus on the side postures. Did recite in my mind a simple script as I engaged my ujjayi pranayama breathing. I felt good head accrue during my movement. My breaths in and out were equal in length, not a quick breath but not drawn out to slow down the practice. I think all in all I spent about 15 minutes going through these sequences. Every time I was in Adho Muka Svasana (downward facing dog) I practiced engaging my mula and uddiayana bandahas. I felt these strongly too whenever I paused for rest in sama-sthiti. Did not spend more than 2/3 minutes in savasana.
Daily Meditation: After asanas I sat alone in the living room and set an alarm for 20 minutes. At about 10 minutes in I found myself panicking about my recent job change choice; what if when I start the new job they don't think I'm qualified and they let me go?? I called myself out on this... as being ridiculous. I breathed deeply into my manipura chakra. Tried to focus calm and not think of anything. It was after that 10 minute mark that my focus was disturbed and the remaining 10 minutes of my meditation were full of "can't this be done yet?" thoughts... I need to work on combating resistance. The suggestion is always add time for MORE meditation. I was really hungry though so after dedicating a minute or two to mettā-meditation that I was ready to eat breakfast.
Daily Gratitude: Glad that I was able to spend time with Amy and Andrew today. Really glad that I had no obligations toward anyone else / that I was able to take the time and catch up on rest. The night before I did not sleep all that well, I went to bed coughing. When I woke up I felt a slight nervousness in my stomach so it was good to move straight into my yoga and meditation to start the day. I shared one of *Brené Brown's TED talks with Andrew today (on Shame) and we both agreed how helpful her research/conversation is/relevant to all of us. *BB is the woman who wrote the book I am reading on vulnerability and embracing our true self, rather than being fixated on trying to become who we are not. Here are a few of my favorite quotes from The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are, Your Guide to a Wholehearted Life:
Daily Practice: Woke up at Andrew's; did 5 Sun Salutations As and 5 Bs to start my day. Again, did not focus on the side postures. Did recite in my mind a simple script as I engaged my ujjayi pranayama breathing. I felt good head accrue during my movement. My breaths in and out were equal in length, not a quick breath but not drawn out to slow down the practice. I think all in all I spent about 15 minutes going through these sequences. Every time I was in Adho Muka Svasana (downward facing dog) I practiced engaging my mula and uddiayana bandahas. I felt these strongly too whenever I paused for rest in sama-sthiti. Did not spend more than 2/3 minutes in savasana.
Daily Meditation: After asanas I sat alone in the living room and set an alarm for 20 minutes. At about 10 minutes in I found myself panicking about my recent job change choice; what if when I start the new job they don't think I'm qualified and they let me go?? I called myself out on this... as being ridiculous. I breathed deeply into my manipura chakra. Tried to focus calm and not think of anything. It was after that 10 minute mark that my focus was disturbed and the remaining 10 minutes of my meditation were full of "can't this be done yet?" thoughts... I need to work on combating resistance. The suggestion is always add time for MORE meditation. I was really hungry though so after dedicating a minute or two to mettā-meditation that I was ready to eat breakfast.
Daily Gratitude: Glad that I was able to spend time with Amy and Andrew today. Really glad that I had no obligations toward anyone else / that I was able to take the time and catch up on rest. The night before I did not sleep all that well, I went to bed coughing. When I woke up I felt a slight nervousness in my stomach so it was good to move straight into my yoga and meditation to start the day. I shared one of *Brené Brown's TED talks with Andrew today (on Shame) and we both agreed how helpful her research/conversation is/relevant to all of us. *BB is the woman who wrote the book I am reading on vulnerability and embracing our true self, rather than being fixated on trying to become who we are not. Here are a few of my favorite quotes from The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are, Your Guide to a Wholehearted Life:
If we share our shame story with the wrong person, they can easily become one more piece of flying debris in an already dangerous storm. We want solid connection in a situation like this–something akin to a sturdy tree firmly planted in the ground. We definitely want to avoid the following: 1. The friend who hears the story and actually feels shame for you. She gasps and confirms how horrified you should be. Then there is awkward silence. Then you have to make her feel better. 2. The friend who responds with sympathy (I feel so sorry for you) rather than empathy (I get it, I feel with you, and I've been there). If you want to see a shame cyclone turn deadly, throw me one of these at it: "Oh, you poor thing." Or, the incredibly passive-agressive southern version of sympathy: "Bless your heart." 3. The friend who needs you to be the pillar of worthiness and authenticity. She can't help because she's too disappointed in your imperfections. You've let her down. 4. The friend who is so uncomfortable with vulnerability that she scolds you: "How did you let this happen? What were you thinking?" or she looks for someone to blame: "Who was that guy? We'll kick his ass." 5. The friend who is all about making it better and, out of her own discomfort, refuses to acknowledge that you can actually be crazy and make terrible choices: "you're exaggerating. It wasn't that bad. You rock. You're perfect. Everyone loves you." 6. The friend who confuses "connection" with the opportunity to one-up you: "That's nothing. Listen to what happened to me one time!" (10).
Our stories are not meant for everyone. Hearing them is a privilege, and we should always ask ourselves this before we share: "Who has earned the right to hear my story?" If we have one or two people in our lives who can sit with us and hold space for our shame stories, and love us for our strengths and struggles, we are incredibly lucky. If we have a friend, or a small group of friends, or family who embraces our imperfections, vulnerabilities, and power, and fills us with a sense of belonging, we are incredibly lucky. We don't need love and belonging and story-catching from everyone in our lives, but we need it from at least one person or that small group of confidants, the best way to acknowledge these connections is to acknowledge our worthiness. If we're working toward relationships based in love, belonging, and story, we have to start in the same place: I am worthy (48).
Thursday, October 24, 2013
Day 33: Oct. 24, 2013
Today I woke up feeling anxious. I
wonder how many times I have used that word – anxious – in all my
postings. Must be the season. I decided last night to
accept the position at the union despite all its mysteries and
unknowns. When I woke up I felt my "stomach" feeling
like it was churning into knots; the exact location was my
solar plexus/manipura/3rd chakra. This is the place where
fulfillment, self-esteem and transformation takes place. I have
been doing a lot of deep breathing and engaging my Uddiyana
bandha; perhaps this has something to do with my growing sense of
awareness. I have no doubt that my daily yoga practice has had
an impact on my ability to perceive and understand myself.
When I could not sleep/stay in bed anymore I got up
and went to the bathroom, then I went into the living room and rolled
out my yoga mat. I did 10 Sun Salutation As and 5 Sun
Salutation Bs.
The first sequence of Bs my brain
was so absorbed in my breath that I found myself hanging out in
downward facing dog before I corrected myself and started over; I
needed to instead:
1. exhale, hands to floor, knees
bent, eyes ahead.
2. inhale, arms overhead, knees remain
bent, eyes beyond fingertips
3. exhale, fold forward, straighten
knees, gaze at or through knees
4. inhale, half way lift, gaze up
5. exhale, hands down to mat, step feet
back into plank and lower down through low push up
6. inhale, raise torso up and back,
lifting through the chest, lift weight of body off of legs, holding
through tops of feet; gaze is up at the ceiling.
7. exhale, roll toes and bring hips up
and back, stretch through to an upside down V shape; gazing
at navel, immediately bring right foot up towards front of
mat between hands and plant left foot back
8. inhale and lift up, right knee is
bent, left leg stays long and strong, arms are overhead; gaze is up
toward fingertips
9. exhale hands down to mat, step right
foot back to left; lower down through chaturunga...
10. inhale, rise up, upward facing dog;
eyes up, check lifted
11. exhale, hips up and back into
downward facing dog, bring left foot up this time and plant right
foot... then finish sequence.
As you can see, a lot to remember and
internalize. I was sweating and this was reassuring, as it was
chilly in the living room and I wanted to be warm in my practice. I
was working hard to engage my bandahs and engage my ujjayi
pranayama breath. I thought about doing the standing
postures but I was again, anxious to get on to my day.
I made a plan to shower, write a
letter of resignation, get dressed for professional interaction with
Pauline and with Arnie. I wanted to go over to Pauline first to
sign documents and then go to Arnie to resign.
I called Pauline first to tell her I
was coming and she said there was no need but that if I wanted the
job it was mine and that I should come in next Monday to do paperwork
and a drug screening. I felt a little uneasy; I wanted
something tangible to make it more real, so I could trust that it was
actually happening... I did not want to resign without a promise of
something waiting for me on the other side... I called my Mom and she
said not to worry, so I went ahead with my letter and went to visit
Arnie. He was very receptive but sad to hear my decision. He
had hoped I would stay and develop there; he said he could see
a lot of potential but that he wanted me to be happy and
hoped I was making the best decision for myself. He squeezed my
hand and hugged me as I left. He appreciated me coming in to
tell him instead of just quitting. He was glad to know that I
enjoyed the environment and that no one had done anything to
make me want to leave/that it was purely my own decision. It
was difficult for me, I almost cried. I thanked him for the
opportunity and for entrusting me with his department, especially as
an outsider as they had internal candidates that were interested too.
Sarajean congratulated me in my decision (she was the woman
from HR); what a sweet soul she is. I am grateful to her and
for her support. She helped me feel good about my choice
despite the fact that it was not easy for me.
For my yoga meal I enjoyed a piece
of salmon with cauliflower. I had dinner with my Mom; she
wanted to check in on me and see how the resignation went. I
was still a little foggy when she came to pick me up. I think,
like I assured her, I would feel better about my decision once I
actually start working. It's weird to be in limbo for a week
and a half... I don't really feel like making a LinkedIn update or
Facebook update until it's official. It is so weird since I had
such an outpouring of support for my change. I know it's not
the job, that it was me that people were approving; I don't need to
worry about their approval but I certainly feel like I am taking the
road less travelled. It is weird to go from a title at a
location that is familiar to people to an unknown place. I
don't need brand recognition to succeed but I anticipate that people
will go, "oh... okay" and kind of glaze over when I talk
about the Union... anyway, back to my meal. No distractions,
good conversation in balance with attention paid to food/eating.
Chewing each bite before going after the next one. My
salmon had this awesome horseradish sauce; who knew that would be
such an awesome paring?? It's now 9:00 (about two hours after
eating dinner) and now I am hungry again so I might go after a snack
of grapes. I passed on dessert although it was offered at
dinner.
Hoping I can sleep soundly tonight.
I really need that. Then I will spend my Friday and
Saturday doing "yoga work" filling out my worksheets,
practicing asanas and watch that anatomy movie. I plan to go to
the Slow Burn class at 4:30 tomorrow but we'll see where I end up.
Saturday I might try to go to that donation class for Saint
Paul schools/fundraising for kid's lunches(breakfasts?). I
might read a little bit for fun and then I really do need to relax.
I've been so stressed these past few days. I don't do
well with making choices, so this was a good challenge for me. I
hope to get better at making choices.
Gratitude: I have had
the opportunity to speak up for my wants and needs today.
I have accepted yet another job from this life of abundance. I
should never fear for lack of options. Truely. In the
past I used to fear and feel stuck; nevermore!
Day 32: Oct. 23, 2013
Had a difficult day. Spent the early morning hours working at the Seward. Arrived at 5:55 a.m. and got right to work. I spent the entire day trying to decide if it was really for me. Ate "lunch" at 8:50 a.m. Observed at 2 p.m. that I was exhausted, mentally and physically. Emotionally drained because I had to make a decision on whether or not I would accept the Union position that had been offered to me the day before. Pauline spent a good amount of time with me on the phone trying to explain the benefits to me. I did not know what I wanted but she urged me to take more time to think about it and call her back in the morning.
I decided after talking to her that I really was not enjoying the hard/physical labor of my position and that I really did not want to do what I was doing/that I am more geared towards an office position at this time in my life. Not to mention the benefits and pay are exactly where I want to be. The biggest fear holding me back = not knowing how it will be at the union. What if they lay me off after three months? I can't let fear drive my car, according to my mom. It's a great opportunity and I should felt compelled to take it. That's right, I even consulted horoscopes which as fortune would have it supported my decision to leave the Seward and take the leap of faith/take the unknown job at the union. I felt sick to my stomach all night.
I did my own yoga practice around 6 p.m. at Andrew's place. 5 Sun As and 5 Sun Bs; was too tired to do anything else. In my savasana I felt like a limp noodle. A mixture between being happy and sad.
Yoga meal? It was one of those days where I had been so absorbed in my head that I realized around 5 p.m. that I hadn't eaten since 8:50 a.m. I had some of Pippa's sweet potato stew. I ate alone, focused on my meal and had zero external distractions.
Gratitude: People were so nice to me at the Seward today. Sheena who was training me took time to answer my questions and provide me with tasks to get me oriented into the grocery side of things. I was "training" with Dan, who had transferred from the Deli. Joe, the shift lead, was a former Dairy dept. person and met about a dozen other people that helped me throughout the day. I could tell they were all really happy to have me there. I think it was my lack of sleep the night before (and the poor sleep I had several nights in a row beforehand) that contributed to my poor constitution. Sheena shared a part of her grapefruit with me that morning on break, that was really sweet. I think she really wanted me to feel welcome. I did. I was grateful to get home and talk with my Mom, Andrew and Dad before calling Pauline. I've waffled so much about this decision. Who knew that "problem" would arise (having multiple job offers). All of my friends and loved ones have my back, even if this falls on its face. We're all hoping for the best, that it pans out into something long term that I love. I'm gambling; it's scary. I don't want to disappoint the Seward people who have been so good to me. They have a great thing going there. I guess I just didn't feel like now was the time for me to be doing a physical labor position. I want more to do with numbers, organizing and problem solving. These were all present in the grocery replenishment buyer position but being that I did not feel "happy" there yesterday I think was telling. I was radiant when I interviewed last Friday with the Union. I felt good about myself and my abilities. Of course now I am filled with doubt; what if they don't think I'm good enough. GRATITUDE: I need to remember to TRUST myself and my decisions. That others think highly of me and support me no matter what. That I can hopefully rest well tonight...
I decided after talking to her that I really was not enjoying the hard/physical labor of my position and that I really did not want to do what I was doing/that I am more geared towards an office position at this time in my life. Not to mention the benefits and pay are exactly where I want to be. The biggest fear holding me back = not knowing how it will be at the union. What if they lay me off after three months? I can't let fear drive my car, according to my mom. It's a great opportunity and I should felt compelled to take it. That's right, I even consulted horoscopes which as fortune would have it supported my decision to leave the Seward and take the leap of faith/take the unknown job at the union. I felt sick to my stomach all night.
I did my own yoga practice around 6 p.m. at Andrew's place. 5 Sun As and 5 Sun Bs; was too tired to do anything else. In my savasana I felt like a limp noodle. A mixture between being happy and sad.
Yoga meal? It was one of those days where I had been so absorbed in my head that I realized around 5 p.m. that I hadn't eaten since 8:50 a.m. I had some of Pippa's sweet potato stew. I ate alone, focused on my meal and had zero external distractions.
Gratitude: People were so nice to me at the Seward today. Sheena who was training me took time to answer my questions and provide me with tasks to get me oriented into the grocery side of things. I was "training" with Dan, who had transferred from the Deli. Joe, the shift lead, was a former Dairy dept. person and met about a dozen other people that helped me throughout the day. I could tell they were all really happy to have me there. I think it was my lack of sleep the night before (and the poor sleep I had several nights in a row beforehand) that contributed to my poor constitution. Sheena shared a part of her grapefruit with me that morning on break, that was really sweet. I think she really wanted me to feel welcome. I did. I was grateful to get home and talk with my Mom, Andrew and Dad before calling Pauline. I've waffled so much about this decision. Who knew that "problem" would arise (having multiple job offers). All of my friends and loved ones have my back, even if this falls on its face. We're all hoping for the best, that it pans out into something long term that I love. I'm gambling; it's scary. I don't want to disappoint the Seward people who have been so good to me. They have a great thing going there. I guess I just didn't feel like now was the time for me to be doing a physical labor position. I want more to do with numbers, organizing and problem solving. These were all present in the grocery replenishment buyer position but being that I did not feel "happy" there yesterday I think was telling. I was radiant when I interviewed last Friday with the Union. I felt good about myself and my abilities. Of course now I am filled with doubt; what if they don't think I'm good enough. GRATITUDE: I need to remember to TRUST myself and my decisions. That others think highly of me and support me no matter what. That I can hopefully rest well tonight...
Day 31: Oct. 22, 2013
So I woke up to a voicemail message from Pauline today. The Union called and asked her to extend an offer to me. It isn't for the job I applied/interviewed for last Friday. It is a position that would work directly with the office coordinator they had hired last Friday (it would be a support role that would perform essentially the same tasks; answer phones, direct union members to their representatives; file paper work, write reports, basic accounting).
I have several fears/questions about the assistant coordinator position. What if I don't enjoy the person they hired as my supervisor? What if after a period of time they decide to just go with one of us and my position get eliminated? What if I feel isolated in an office setting? I tend to think I would thrive autonomously doing projects but I also enjoy interacting with people and like hearing/sharing stories, which I feel would be more prevalent in the Seward setting. I have 8+ years experience working in a grocery store but what if I don't want to be there after a period of time. How will my experience at the Seward get me ahead anywhere in life if I decide not to stay in the food/wellness industry? Existential questions, really.
After asking Christine, Andrew and Laura for feedback I spent some time alone with myself. I did my meditation in the afternoon before going to yoga today. I went to Jan's Hot Vinyasa Yoga class at 4:45. I arrived late. When I came into the room the only spot remaining was by the door. I was scrunched. Usually when I am late I don't bother coming in but today was a day I felt like I needed to practice with others and I hoped my late entrance did not disturb others too greatly. During Sun Salutation A's Jan came over and whispered a question in my ear, "How are your Sun Salutation Bs?" I stammered quietly, "they're okay" and she said "great, I will lead two and you will lead the third one. okay?" So when it came time to lead I was absolutely terrified. I wasn't going to run away but I felt like the order of the asanas left me; I managed to cry out the beginning of the sequence, stumbled across the breath, movement and drishti of the flow... somehow managed to pull them all out of uttkatasana in the end and back to sama-sthiti. I was a complete wreck. Jan at the end encouraged me by saying the first time is always the worst; I think she must be right. There were at least 40 people in the room. I hope that by practicing on my own and with others more this week I will gain more confidence.
For my yoga meal I ate another bowl of soup from Pippa's Sunday batch; I feel like it has really stretched this week. Of course it's only Tuesday, but we have like three or four more containers of it in the fridge. I ate rather quickly; without distractions and without conversation. However, I feel like my appreciation for the meal was not there, I was too busy thinking about job offers and what I was going to do about it... I chewed each bite thoroughly before swallowing but I didn't wait before scooping up the next spoonful/holding it there in front of me while I chewed. I did not over eat and I remained seated the entire time but as soon as I was done I rushed off to wash my bowl and spoon so I could "get on to the next thing."
I am journaling now before I go to bed; I have an alarm set to go off at 9 p.m. when I need to go upstairs. I need to wake up tomorrow at 4:45 a.m. to get ready for work/make sure I get there on time. I heard there might be snow/freezing rain?
Gratitude: Surprised and thankful for the generous offer from the Union; not quite sure what to do with that information but happy to have options for my life at this time. I want to give the Seward a try so in a way it is really great that this has happened the way it did. I was really hoping that all the debating would be over by now but I guess I will see how it goes tomorrow and then make a decision based on my gut feeling/comparing pay and benefits. Happy to have Jan guide me today through a vinyasa class that was quite intense. Glad she trusted me to lead a Sun B. It helped me know what I need to work on. I think my projection is fine (could always improve); my understanding of poses is also fine but need more I need to find more succinct phrasing to get people moving from one position to the next and not let myself get confused. I need to eat, breathe and sleep yoga for a while. Thankfully I have time to do that these next few months of practice. I will try to incorporate more home practice too even though I prefer my group classes.
I have several fears/questions about the assistant coordinator position. What if I don't enjoy the person they hired as my supervisor? What if after a period of time they decide to just go with one of us and my position get eliminated? What if I feel isolated in an office setting? I tend to think I would thrive autonomously doing projects but I also enjoy interacting with people and like hearing/sharing stories, which I feel would be more prevalent in the Seward setting. I have 8+ years experience working in a grocery store but what if I don't want to be there after a period of time. How will my experience at the Seward get me ahead anywhere in life if I decide not to stay in the food/wellness industry? Existential questions, really.
After asking Christine, Andrew and Laura for feedback I spent some time alone with myself. I did my meditation in the afternoon before going to yoga today. I went to Jan's Hot Vinyasa Yoga class at 4:45. I arrived late. When I came into the room the only spot remaining was by the door. I was scrunched. Usually when I am late I don't bother coming in but today was a day I felt like I needed to practice with others and I hoped my late entrance did not disturb others too greatly. During Sun Salutation A's Jan came over and whispered a question in my ear, "How are your Sun Salutation Bs?" I stammered quietly, "they're okay" and she said "great, I will lead two and you will lead the third one. okay?" So when it came time to lead I was absolutely terrified. I wasn't going to run away but I felt like the order of the asanas left me; I managed to cry out the beginning of the sequence, stumbled across the breath, movement and drishti of the flow... somehow managed to pull them all out of uttkatasana in the end and back to sama-sthiti. I was a complete wreck. Jan at the end encouraged me by saying the first time is always the worst; I think she must be right. There were at least 40 people in the room. I hope that by practicing on my own and with others more this week I will gain more confidence.
For my yoga meal I ate another bowl of soup from Pippa's Sunday batch; I feel like it has really stretched this week. Of course it's only Tuesday, but we have like three or four more containers of it in the fridge. I ate rather quickly; without distractions and without conversation. However, I feel like my appreciation for the meal was not there, I was too busy thinking about job offers and what I was going to do about it... I chewed each bite thoroughly before swallowing but I didn't wait before scooping up the next spoonful/holding it there in front of me while I chewed. I did not over eat and I remained seated the entire time but as soon as I was done I rushed off to wash my bowl and spoon so I could "get on to the next thing."
I am journaling now before I go to bed; I have an alarm set to go off at 9 p.m. when I need to go upstairs. I need to wake up tomorrow at 4:45 a.m. to get ready for work/make sure I get there on time. I heard there might be snow/freezing rain?
Gratitude: Surprised and thankful for the generous offer from the Union; not quite sure what to do with that information but happy to have options for my life at this time. I want to give the Seward a try so in a way it is really great that this has happened the way it did. I was really hoping that all the debating would be over by now but I guess I will see how it goes tomorrow and then make a decision based on my gut feeling/comparing pay and benefits. Happy to have Jan guide me today through a vinyasa class that was quite intense. Glad she trusted me to lead a Sun B. It helped me know what I need to work on. I think my projection is fine (could always improve); my understanding of poses is also fine but need more I need to find more succinct phrasing to get people moving from one position to the next and not let myself get confused. I need to eat, breathe and sleep yoga for a while. Thankfully I have time to do that these next few months of practice. I will try to incorporate more home practice too even though I prefer my group classes.
Day 30: Oct. 21, 2013
Today was my first day at the Seward (I had orientation, it was not an actual shift)! I was quite tired in the beginning because I did not sleep well last night. I had a dream that my mother had died and I woke up quite upset. I think what bothered me the most in my dream was the premise that my mother underwent another medical procedure and it "just didn't work" this time. I was so angry that her body gave up; that it had been punctured and probed so many times and that it could no longer serve her. I was sad because we were separated. It was weird waking up and knowing this was just a dream but realizing the brutal reality that someday we will be separated by death; maybe not eternally but for a duration (I know my mother believes in the community of saints/life after death. I am at a point where I believe in some sort of unification with a whole and that there will be no separation amongst us, however that pain/sadness can be felt only by the living). I woke up with a sharp cry. My sobs helped me realize the capacity of which I can breathe, to a clean, crisp depth. I really felt like my heart was open. I don't know how else to describe this experience. I was not miserable to the point of fear but I think I was just surprised to what extent I could feel and wake from emotion present in my dream. The night before I had not rested well either; a past boyfriend was stalking me and I was doing all I could to avoid him but he ended up finding/confronting me and I ended up having a physical altercation where I pushed him away. Somehow he ended up drenched (as if a rain cloud had opened overhead or he had been pushed into a body of water) and he walked away; I was relieved but only temporarily, my mind raced into wondering where I should go/if I should move/if I would be bothered again. Clearly I am not at ease right now. I don't know why the transition into fall/cold weather is so hard on me but clearly I am busy processing things in my sleep.
Back to today, my orientation went well. It was myself and one other new employee (Gretchen). We went through paperwork, discussed policies, learned a basic history of the co-op and a basic run through on gains sharing. There were several opportunities to walk through the building; I still feel kind of out of body there. What I mean to say is that I am in disbelief that this is somewhere that I will be spending the majority of my waking hours during the work week. This is not a bad thing, I think I'm just surprised to find myself all of a sudden working/learning. It will be good. I will make connections there and learn invaluable skills that I can use to further develop into whichever career I find myself choosing/creating.
The daily work schedule will be something like 6 a.m. to 2 p.m. / 7 a.m. to 3 p.m. / 8 a.m. to 4 p.m. depending on the day. It will be great to get out of work early! It will be tricky getting there by 5:45 a.m. on those 6 a.m. start days but I am sure I will adjust! I will also need to wear layers; lots of layers. I was so cold today. I will also have to be sure that I am eating well and well rested so that I am at my best. I don't know when yoga practice/meditation will occur if I will do it mornings before work or in the afternoon/evening before winding down. Maybe it will depend on the day!
Today's daily disciplines:
Yoga Meal Record: For lunch today (around 3 p.m.) I ate a bowl of sweet potato curry soup that Pippa made yesterday. It had chickpeas, corn and the obvious sweet potatoes in a coconut curry base. I liked the warmth of the dish. It was calming to eat and a real sensual experience. Different textures and richness with spices. I am grateful for her gift of making soups and stews, they are always so hearty and full of wonder. I remained seated, took my time away from distractions. I ate alone, focusing on each bite–first looking at it, then feeling the texture of it in my mouth before chewing, then chewing, then swallowing. It was a very dedicated meal and I felt a sense of peace, no urge to rush or complete any other task.
Daily Meditation: After work I came home and sat on the couch for about a half an hour. I realized that I had not eaten for a while, so my hunger pestered me as I waited to accomplish my dedicated meditation time.
Daily Practice: n/a took today off.
Daily Gratitude: I am thankful for Christine for helping me connect with the Seward, I wouldn't have thought of applying on my own and I feel like this environment will be nurturing for me as I grow in wellness and in service to others. I am thankful for Arnie and Chris, for wanting me to work on their team. I am thankful for Sarajean who led our orientation today; for Sean and Nick who shared their stories on how they got started with the Seward and what they do now. For Allan for taking us through basic safety procedures and guidance on waste, recycling and phone call paging. I am grateful for Andrew who comforted me last night when I awoke crying. I am thankful that I was able to see my Mother this afternoon after work and that she and I could share an evening meal together, play charades with our fortune cookies. I am thankful for my new wool socks and new bras. Basic things that make life so much more enjoyable. I am thankful for the invitation to attend "Beer and Hymns" which I did intend on going to but by the time evening rolled around I needed to rest. May Courtney feel well soon. Happy birthday to Rita who is 28 today. Thankful for my Dad who understood when I was grumpy the other day and to my Uncle, who I may not have yet informed of my employment status–will have to share the good news! I am thankful for my yoga practice which has awakened in me a greater awareness and sensitivity.
Back to today, my orientation went well. It was myself and one other new employee (Gretchen). We went through paperwork, discussed policies, learned a basic history of the co-op and a basic run through on gains sharing. There were several opportunities to walk through the building; I still feel kind of out of body there. What I mean to say is that I am in disbelief that this is somewhere that I will be spending the majority of my waking hours during the work week. This is not a bad thing, I think I'm just surprised to find myself all of a sudden working/learning. It will be good. I will make connections there and learn invaluable skills that I can use to further develop into whichever career I find myself choosing/creating.
The daily work schedule will be something like 6 a.m. to 2 p.m. / 7 a.m. to 3 p.m. / 8 a.m. to 4 p.m. depending on the day. It will be great to get out of work early! It will be tricky getting there by 5:45 a.m. on those 6 a.m. start days but I am sure I will adjust! I will also need to wear layers; lots of layers. I was so cold today. I will also have to be sure that I am eating well and well rested so that I am at my best. I don't know when yoga practice/meditation will occur if I will do it mornings before work or in the afternoon/evening before winding down. Maybe it will depend on the day!
Today's daily disciplines:
Yoga Meal Record: For lunch today (around 3 p.m.) I ate a bowl of sweet potato curry soup that Pippa made yesterday. It had chickpeas, corn and the obvious sweet potatoes in a coconut curry base. I liked the warmth of the dish. It was calming to eat and a real sensual experience. Different textures and richness with spices. I am grateful for her gift of making soups and stews, they are always so hearty and full of wonder. I remained seated, took my time away from distractions. I ate alone, focusing on each bite–first looking at it, then feeling the texture of it in my mouth before chewing, then chewing, then swallowing. It was a very dedicated meal and I felt a sense of peace, no urge to rush or complete any other task.
Daily Meditation: After work I came home and sat on the couch for about a half an hour. I realized that I had not eaten for a while, so my hunger pestered me as I waited to accomplish my dedicated meditation time.
Daily Practice: n/a took today off.
Daily Gratitude: I am thankful for Christine for helping me connect with the Seward, I wouldn't have thought of applying on my own and I feel like this environment will be nurturing for me as I grow in wellness and in service to others. I am thankful for Arnie and Chris, for wanting me to work on their team. I am thankful for Sarajean who led our orientation today; for Sean and Nick who shared their stories on how they got started with the Seward and what they do now. For Allan for taking us through basic safety procedures and guidance on waste, recycling and phone call paging. I am grateful for Andrew who comforted me last night when I awoke crying. I am thankful that I was able to see my Mother this afternoon after work and that she and I could share an evening meal together, play charades with our fortune cookies. I am thankful for my new wool socks and new bras. Basic things that make life so much more enjoyable. I am thankful for the invitation to attend "Beer and Hymns" which I did intend on going to but by the time evening rolled around I needed to rest. May Courtney feel well soon. Happy birthday to Rita who is 28 today. Thankful for my Dad who understood when I was grumpy the other day and to my Uncle, who I may not have yet informed of my employment status–will have to share the good news! I am thankful for my yoga practice which has awakened in me a greater awareness and sensitivity.
Sunday, October 20, 2013
Days 27, 28 and 29: Oct. 18, 19, 20
I dropped off the map or so it seems this week in regard to the daily discipline of journaling, so I am doing it now. My brain has been busy with job related thoughts and activities; organizing myself and all the incoming mail I have received. I need to contact several offices on Monday to call off the assistance I had requested from the county for SNAP/health insurance, etc. since I have accepted employment and will soon be starting to work normal hours... I start my orientation on tomorrow!
To recap:
On Friday 10/18
I attended Aleeh's(?) Hatha class at 4:45 p.m. I loved how she talked about the whole moon and how the phases of the moon/as seasons change we can alter our practice. I look forward to investigating this further. She encouraged me to join her four week meditation group on Fridays. I will have to see if this is something I can afford to do, I think it would be a rewarding/enriching experience to do with a group.
Yoga meal: Ate oatmeal by myself in the morning before my interview. Had 1/4 cup steel cut oatmeal with some cinnamon and brown sugar (realized afterwards that that was a no-no with my recent attempt to cut out the added sugar)... Did not want to eat any more than that since before interviews my stomach tends to get a little upset/nervous/excited/churning.
Meditation: I practiced alone this evening after yoga. I had thought Amy would need me around since she had texted me earlier that day to saying she might, but then she never called. I decided before it got too late that I should meditate so about an hour after dinner (a few hours before bed) I sat in the living room. There was a candle lit in front of me. I kept my eyes closed but it was nice to sense the warm glow there. I was not too antsy but thoughts did arise about what I needed to get done this weekend/concerns I had for Amy and the transition she is going through with her break up.
Gratitude: I had a great interview with the union this morning. Although they chose the other candidate who had more direct experience in working with unions, I was told that I interviewed strongly and I likewise thought it was a positive experience! I also had a strange premonition that I had met these men before as their faces and figures were all very familiar to me (their eyes, their hair, their names; I anticipated their character/their actions/questions matched exactly as if I knew them already). Maybe it was deja vu, but the general sensation that I had was that I had worked with these men before... OR that in other circumstances I would have worked with them in this administrative position. Anyway, it was easy for me to accept the standing offer I had on the position at the Seward! I just did not want to miss an opportunity to interview for something new that I think I would be really good at.
Question/note to self: I don't know why I am angry to know that NK was looking at my profile/update of my new job on LinkedIn. Apparently she heard of my good news and wanted to check it out for herself. Why does this insight anger within me? What if she was genuinely pleased to know that I had found work so quickly? Why did I feel vulnerable/that she is out to get me? I feel that my privacy is invaded/that she somehow doesn't have a right to see me moving on to other successes. I feel like I have a lot of emotions still to sort out about being let go from Juut, despite the fact I will be happier having moved on in the long run. I was just so tied up to the idea of moving up there and the fact that it kept not happening means that I shouldn't feel so worked up about this whole thing(although in the past I felt like I was being dealt an injustice; that I was "so capable" and should be entrusted with more responsibility). NK if you are reading this I don't know how I will ever quite forgive you for your choice to let me go/how I can ever thank you for helping me along my path although it hurt at the time... I did not like how you did what you did but the fact is I am no longer there and I won't ever be again. **Jason made a comment today (10/20) in yoga that there is a shift that happens to people when they realize that things are not happening to them but rather things in life start happening for them. I think I am realizing this shift in my higher self but it comes in short bursts followed by my shouting/bruised ego on the more basic level. I still have healing to do but eventually gratitude and forgiveness will be my stance.
On Saturday 10/19:
I set my alarm for 8:00 a.m. to go to the 9:30 a.m. Hot Vinyasa class with Jan but then I decided to accept an invitation from my Mom and went with her and her friend Deb to North Branch. They wanted to get out of town and see some fall colors, which I thought sounded like a great opportunity. We also stopped at the outlet mall where I picked up a few new sweaters for winter, which I had been thinking about doing for some time. When I came back into town I got a phone call from Amy saying she wanted me to be around so I went by her place and spent some time with her. When I got back home I still had to finish part one of Man's Search for Meaning. I know that daily practices should come first (before homework) but I decided I would rather finish that book than do a set of Sun A's and B's. I also did not take time to meditate on Saturday :(
I did not eat much for food on Saturday, which contributed to my weird mood (I was kind of angry and inexplicably sad). I had a scone for breakfast and then an omelet for lunch and then I really did not eat dinner. If I considered one of my meals to be a yoga meal it would have been the lunch I ate with my Mother and Deb (the omelet). I stayed seated, did not talk with food in my mouth or allow myself to participate in distracting activities. I did not eat more than my fill, my stomach was at most 2/3 full when the meal was complete. It was a delicious omelet but I did not regard each bite full as I should have.
I was grateful to get out of town for a while, see beautiful trees and step out and walk around a state park for a bit (Wild River). The trees smelled so good, it had just rained; it also smelled like horses were nearby. I was glad I could be there for Amy as well. I did not resent our time together but I had very low energy all day which contributed to my attitude which I tried to control.
Sunday 10/20:
11:00 Astanga with Jason
We all agreed that this was an intense class but that we were all really thankful for it. I cannot describe why it was intense for me but I think Jason was able to challenge us/get each of us to an edge in several asanas.
20 minute meditation with group after class; got antsy only one time and shifted my weight around because my foot fell asleep. I have not figured out how to ignore the impulse to adjust.
Yoga meal:
Ate my lunch with Patience outside of Lunds. Had a small serving of chicken curry salad and basmati tofu salad (with ginger and raisins). This was an enjoyable meal and it was fun sitting outside, although it was kind of chilly (mid-forties today). Met her boyfriend Cody. Sounds like he is a yoga instructor too. They talked about different classes they've taken/led and it was nice to just listen to them. There were no distractions and I did not feel rushed. I ate slowly and savored each bite. After lunch was over it was time for our 20 minute siesta in the studio.
Gratitude: Happy to have time today to get caught back up with journaling and to have a good day spent with people dedicated to improving themselves. I had many opportunities for laughter today and growth. I enjoyed learning more about Johnny Kest's philosophy of using asanas to get into the body, rather than using the body to get into asanas. I agree with the sentiment that yoga is not about cookie cutter perfection of form. The human body is marvelous and can do so many things but it is not wise to expect that all bodies will be capable of the same range of motion. That assumes a lot about a person; their anatomy, health, previous experience, current pain/issues all play into how one practices asanas. What is most important again is breathing; proper alignment may help people have "ah-ha!" moments feeling energy coursing through their bodies, but this sensation will not last forever either. I am so glad to have teachers from all walks of life in my class. To have classmates that ask each other fervent "why" questions – getting at the purpose and function/benefits of poses and asking why they are performed in the order they are, etc. I am glad we took the time to discuss Man's Search for Meaning. I could write an entire entry/essay on that reading and perhaps I will as an exercise some time this week. I do have a lot of homework to do. I am very excited to watch the movie on anatomy! I also look forward to practicing the standing postures more and learning my own verbiage for cues/instructions. It will be a strong week of growth ahead. So happy that I can alleviate the worry of having to search for a job/replace that with joy and learning in the new job. I don't know how long I will be there but I can only hope I will learn more about myself over time and from there move toward something that ultimately fulfills me! Who knows, perhaps this will??
To recap:
On Friday 10/18
I attended Aleeh's(?) Hatha class at 4:45 p.m. I loved how she talked about the whole moon and how the phases of the moon/as seasons change we can alter our practice. I look forward to investigating this further. She encouraged me to join her four week meditation group on Fridays. I will have to see if this is something I can afford to do, I think it would be a rewarding/enriching experience to do with a group.
Yoga meal: Ate oatmeal by myself in the morning before my interview. Had 1/4 cup steel cut oatmeal with some cinnamon and brown sugar (realized afterwards that that was a no-no with my recent attempt to cut out the added sugar)... Did not want to eat any more than that since before interviews my stomach tends to get a little upset/nervous/excited/churning.
Meditation: I practiced alone this evening after yoga. I had thought Amy would need me around since she had texted me earlier that day to saying she might, but then she never called. I decided before it got too late that I should meditate so about an hour after dinner (a few hours before bed) I sat in the living room. There was a candle lit in front of me. I kept my eyes closed but it was nice to sense the warm glow there. I was not too antsy but thoughts did arise about what I needed to get done this weekend/concerns I had for Amy and the transition she is going through with her break up.
Gratitude: I had a great interview with the union this morning. Although they chose the other candidate who had more direct experience in working with unions, I was told that I interviewed strongly and I likewise thought it was a positive experience! I also had a strange premonition that I had met these men before as their faces and figures were all very familiar to me (their eyes, their hair, their names; I anticipated their character/their actions/questions matched exactly as if I knew them already). Maybe it was deja vu, but the general sensation that I had was that I had worked with these men before... OR that in other circumstances I would have worked with them in this administrative position. Anyway, it was easy for me to accept the standing offer I had on the position at the Seward! I just did not want to miss an opportunity to interview for something new that I think I would be really good at.
Question/note to self: I don't know why I am angry to know that NK was looking at my profile/update of my new job on LinkedIn. Apparently she heard of my good news and wanted to check it out for herself. Why does this insight anger within me? What if she was genuinely pleased to know that I had found work so quickly? Why did I feel vulnerable/that she is out to get me? I feel that my privacy is invaded/that she somehow doesn't have a right to see me moving on to other successes. I feel like I have a lot of emotions still to sort out about being let go from Juut, despite the fact I will be happier having moved on in the long run. I was just so tied up to the idea of moving up there and the fact that it kept not happening means that I shouldn't feel so worked up about this whole thing(although in the past I felt like I was being dealt an injustice; that I was "so capable" and should be entrusted with more responsibility). NK if you are reading this I don't know how I will ever quite forgive you for your choice to let me go/how I can ever thank you for helping me along my path although it hurt at the time... I did not like how you did what you did but the fact is I am no longer there and I won't ever be again. **Jason made a comment today (10/20) in yoga that there is a shift that happens to people when they realize that things are not happening to them but rather things in life start happening for them. I think I am realizing this shift in my higher self but it comes in short bursts followed by my shouting/bruised ego on the more basic level. I still have healing to do but eventually gratitude and forgiveness will be my stance.
On Saturday 10/19:
I set my alarm for 8:00 a.m. to go to the 9:30 a.m. Hot Vinyasa class with Jan but then I decided to accept an invitation from my Mom and went with her and her friend Deb to North Branch. They wanted to get out of town and see some fall colors, which I thought sounded like a great opportunity. We also stopped at the outlet mall where I picked up a few new sweaters for winter, which I had been thinking about doing for some time. When I came back into town I got a phone call from Amy saying she wanted me to be around so I went by her place and spent some time with her. When I got back home I still had to finish part one of Man's Search for Meaning. I know that daily practices should come first (before homework) but I decided I would rather finish that book than do a set of Sun A's and B's. I also did not take time to meditate on Saturday :(
I did not eat much for food on Saturday, which contributed to my weird mood (I was kind of angry and inexplicably sad). I had a scone for breakfast and then an omelet for lunch and then I really did not eat dinner. If I considered one of my meals to be a yoga meal it would have been the lunch I ate with my Mother and Deb (the omelet). I stayed seated, did not talk with food in my mouth or allow myself to participate in distracting activities. I did not eat more than my fill, my stomach was at most 2/3 full when the meal was complete. It was a delicious omelet but I did not regard each bite full as I should have.
I was grateful to get out of town for a while, see beautiful trees and step out and walk around a state park for a bit (Wild River). The trees smelled so good, it had just rained; it also smelled like horses were nearby. I was glad I could be there for Amy as well. I did not resent our time together but I had very low energy all day which contributed to my attitude which I tried to control.
Sunday 10/20:
11:00 Astanga with Jason
We all agreed that this was an intense class but that we were all really thankful for it. I cannot describe why it was intense for me but I think Jason was able to challenge us/get each of us to an edge in several asanas.
20 minute meditation with group after class; got antsy only one time and shifted my weight around because my foot fell asleep. I have not figured out how to ignore the impulse to adjust.
Yoga meal:
Ate my lunch with Patience outside of Lunds. Had a small serving of chicken curry salad and basmati tofu salad (with ginger and raisins). This was an enjoyable meal and it was fun sitting outside, although it was kind of chilly (mid-forties today). Met her boyfriend Cody. Sounds like he is a yoga instructor too. They talked about different classes they've taken/led and it was nice to just listen to them. There were no distractions and I did not feel rushed. I ate slowly and savored each bite. After lunch was over it was time for our 20 minute siesta in the studio.
Gratitude: Happy to have time today to get caught back up with journaling and to have a good day spent with people dedicated to improving themselves. I had many opportunities for laughter today and growth. I enjoyed learning more about Johnny Kest's philosophy of using asanas to get into the body, rather than using the body to get into asanas. I agree with the sentiment that yoga is not about cookie cutter perfection of form. The human body is marvelous and can do so many things but it is not wise to expect that all bodies will be capable of the same range of motion. That assumes a lot about a person; their anatomy, health, previous experience, current pain/issues all play into how one practices asanas. What is most important again is breathing; proper alignment may help people have "ah-ha!" moments feeling energy coursing through their bodies, but this sensation will not last forever either. I am so glad to have teachers from all walks of life in my class. To have classmates that ask each other fervent "why" questions – getting at the purpose and function/benefits of poses and asking why they are performed in the order they are, etc. I am glad we took the time to discuss Man's Search for Meaning. I could write an entire entry/essay on that reading and perhaps I will as an exercise some time this week. I do have a lot of homework to do. I am very excited to watch the movie on anatomy! I also look forward to practicing the standing postures more and learning my own verbiage for cues/instructions. It will be a strong week of growth ahead. So happy that I can alleviate the worry of having to search for a job/replace that with joy and learning in the new job. I don't know how long I will be there but I can only hope I will learn more about myself over time and from there move toward something that ultimately fulfills me! Who knows, perhaps this will??
Thursday, October 17, 2013
Days 24, 25 and 26: Oct. 15, 16, 17
It's been a good whirlwind these past few days. On Tuesday I had an interview at the Seward Co-op; I don't know why I was nervous but I had no idea how I came across to Arnie or Chris who interviewed me. I responded to questions quickly with examples from my employment at Juut rather than my background at Byerly's; when they asked I explained succinctly why I was let go. I was afraid that I came across as nervous/excited and I hoped that this would not count against me. They said they would let me know their decision by next Monday. That very afternoon I received a phone call from Arnie offering me the position. I was excited but told him I would have to wait until Friday to make a decision (I still have an interview with the Heat and Frost Insulators Local 34 Union). The offer was for the same wage I left Juut at, which I was grateful for but also upset with; I had wanted more. It took me a whole day to drum up my proposal back to him (did not sleep well) but spoke with him yesterday asking if he would consider with my experience to start me at a slightly higher wage. He accepted my proposal and hopes that I will accept the position. I was delighted that he was not turned off by my suggestion and feel hopeful that this will be a good company to work for, but I don't want to sell myself short. The administrative job at the union offers a good $4-$5 more an hour, so I am waiting to see how that goes.
All in all by the end of tomorrow I should have a decision/chosen job it will be one or the other. I have had to decline three or four other phone calls asking for interviews, which is amazing! I am delighted that my job search took all of three weeks. It was not as painful as it could have been. Now I need to remember to contact Ramsey County to share my decision/stop my pending request for assistance.
To get back on to where I have been with yoga the past few days:
On Tuesday (Day 24 of my practice) I did not do any physical practice – i.e. I took the day off... I tried to meditate in the morning before my interview (which was helpful this time; before I interviewed for the Mississippi Market position my mind was more busy). It was a quiet, grey morning. There was some rain outside which was a nice noise to hear. My thoughts were minimal, sometimes they fixated on the question of "how are you going to handle it if they ask you about being let go?" – I kept breathing deeply and calmed myself down. After my interview I came home and tried to read some of the Strengthsfinder 2.0 book; I made it to the part where it asked me to fill out the online quiz, which I began working on when Arnie called back to make the offer. I did not answer right away. I finished the assessment before checking the voice message. After I got the offer I sat by myself a while and laughed. The foreword to book I had read the night before had talked about success (Man's Search for Meaning) and my laughter was a testament to how true the statement was:
I had a yoga meal with my mother; she took me out to Cecil's delicatessen in Highland Park where I had a traditional reuben sandwich (which I only ate half of) and a side of fantastic potato salad. She told me about her final cardiac rehab session and reminded me that I had agreed to help her go to an eye appointment on Wednesday. I took my time eating, did not talk while eating and finished each bite before proceeding on to the next. I stopped when I was contentedly full and we had a good visit with each other. It was a good 3-4 hours before I had anything more to eat.
Andrew came by that same evening to celebrate my good news. He took me out to W.A. Frost; as I had already eaten I sat as his companion. I had a non-alcoholic beverage and watched him enjoy an order of mussels. I was tempted by the duck entree but decided to be content with watching him enjoy it (it is a dish we both savor there). I did join him in dessert; we shared the "kit kat" bar made of hazelnut praline and dark chocolate; there was a little drizzle of rich caramel on the plate as well as a side of chai ice cream, literally a scoopful that was the size of a large gum ball; I had no aversion to enjoying this delight although it was certainly "added sugar." Good thing I am admittedly not 100% committed to the group's 21 day quantum cleanse. No doubt it would be good for me to try but I am not yet ready for this and think it would be best to try when my spirit is in it. I loved spending my evening with Andrew, it's a good date spot. Our evening ended abruptly when we realized his sister had been trying to call us. She needed our support so we rushed home. While Andrew listened as her confidant, I went downstairs and spent some more time meditating.
Day 25: Wednesday. I woke up around 9:30 a.m. which means I slept in. I went into the living room and did 5 Sun As and 5 Sun Bs and tried to do the standing postures that we had practiced from Sunday's class, which amounted to about 20 minutes of personal practice. It was tricky since I was working with my bare feet on the floor, my yoga mat was at my place. I contemplated what it would be like with a towel on the floor but decided I had better traction on the wooden floor with my bare feet. I dedicated 10-15 minutes for meditation afterwards, so it was not the full amount of time. Zatz, the cat, wanted my attention and kept climbing into my lap, kneading her claws on me. So I was roused. I went to wake Andrew and we quickly got ready to go pick up my Mom for her eye appointment. We stopped at Bruegger's for bagels and coffee (I had hot chocolate). Andrew learned that Bryce was free for the day so decided he would spend time with his best friend. After dropping my Mom off, I stayed at my house/a.k.a. Bryce and Pippa's while they went off to MOA to find new games, console stuff. While I waited at home for my mom to call saying her eye appointment was done, I tried to read more of the Strengthsfinder 2.0 assessment but found that my eyes did not want to spend time looking at a computer screen!
When my Mom's appointment was done I went to the Central Medical building and picked her up. All was well. Brought her back to her apartment. It was there I got a phone call back from Arnie (whom I had emailed asking for more information on remuneration/benefits) and asked him for a higher rate. After we got off the phone I communicated with my mother at how accomplished I felt having navigated my first negotiation for higher pay. Of course it wasn't a LOT but the point was it would be higher than what I was earning at Juut which meant a lot moving forward. From there we decided it was time for dinner and went out to Eddington's for soup. I guess I considered this my yoga meal for the day because it was something to savor! I had two bowls of the chicken tortilla soup with fresh salsa and blue tortilla chips. Wow, the salsa was amazing with hints of lime, tomato and cilantro. I did pause between bowl refills and decided YES I would have another. I felt satisfied at the end, not overly full. We did have great conversation but always during breaks during our meal. Needless to say we stayed seated during our meal and I did not eat again until much later that evening (4-5 hours later) when I had a snack.
After dinner I returned to her apartment, gave her a back rub and then I decided it was time to go home. I spent some time with Andrew, he and I were under the impression we were going to hang out with B&P but they were sleepy so he and I stayed up on our own, made vegan brownies and rented a movie from Amazon Instant Play (the new blockbuster I guess, with over 60,000 films??) called Oblivion. We both agreed that it was an interesting concept but that it had many holes in its plot. We also learned that the graphic novel it was supposedly based on was never actually written. It was around 12:30 a.m. when we had finished watching the movie and we headed to bed.
Day 26 (today). We woke up around 7:30 a.m. to the sound of an incessant doorbell and the voice of Bryce's mother shouting "Bryce! Bryce!" to which there was no apparent answer. To make a long story short I went downstairs and let her in saying I did not know where he was and asked if she had tried calling him; she had not, but insisted that his motorcycle and car were there so he wouldn't be at class. I trudged up stairs and called up to his bedroom. He DID answer, so he eventually made his way downstairs to talk with his mother. Andrew and I could not fall back asleep (this would normally be considered a travesty for Andrew who normally never wakes before 11 a.m. due to his late-night work schedule). He made coffee and played Minecraft on my computer while I took my time waking up. We went out for breakfast at Longfellow, which is our usual place. I ate about half of the food that arrived on my plate; I had ordered the American Breakfast which was two eggs, a portion of hash browns, two slices of toast and a breakfast meat. For some reason I thought this was a good amount of food for me but it was clearly too much. So after eating my fill I stopped and did not force the rest. After breakfast we hemmed and hawed over what to do with the day. Andrew had errands to run and I wanted to spend the day outside (the sun had come out; it was only about 50º F). When I finally communicated how important it was for me to spend more time together, we went on a date to Stillwater. We walked around. Stopped at a candy store where we bought a few dark chocolate truffles and then sat down in a cafe and played two games of chess. It was fun to get out and do something different. When we got back to Saint Paul Andrew headed out to do his errands and I got ready to do yoga. I went to the 5:45 Hatha class at Highland Park taught by Ryan. Jan saw me on my way in and invited me to join an hour-long meditation at 8:00 which I did consider, however after yoga I realized how hungry I was and decided to go home to eat. Class was more difficult for me today. I think it was a combination of being overly tired and not well hydrated. I noticed especially how difficult it was for me to hold my downward facing dogs as well as the top of my plank/side planks. On Monday I was rocking it, but today was not so great. I accepted myself as I was in this practice, kept focused on my breathing and enjoyed poses like pigeon and some sort of squat for which I don't yet know the name–legs are hip width distance apart, hands are at heart center; torso sinks almost to the floor/thighs are below knees. Savasana was not the quietest place for my mind. I was too fixated on the music and the breathing around me. I don't know why I was so in my head rather than allow myself to sink into the floor. I did like the scented towel which I had placed over my eyes but could not place the aroma. It was not sandalwood; I think it was something more like clove, kind of spicy.
When I got home I ate the remainder of my reuben from Tuesday. It was great heated up on the stove top. It was just the right amount of food. I ate that in silence. Then I watched the documentary on Salinger from Netflix. I have always loved Franny and Zooey, not so much a fan of The Catcher and the Rye. Anyhow, it was good to see. It was slightly disturbing in the sense that I had idealized the man, while he was someone very human; the good, the bad, the ugly. I do anticipate the release of his posthumous novels, although it will be weird to have more to think of, critique... it might change the way we see his previous/collective work.
A little bummed, just got an email from Jan in response to my question about tonight's meditation. Sounds like it was just tonight and not a regular/weekly thing. Sad to have missed the opportunity but I made a decision to go home and eat dinner instead. I must not have regrets. I do need to learn to say yes and no and not feel bad about my decisions. Now I must go complete my daily meditation, as that is all I have left to do before going to bed. I am glad to have finally gotten caught up with my blog/journal entries. Sorry it was not neat and organized these past few days, my brain has just been in such a whirl of gratitude for the job offer and working through how my upcoming days will be.
Speaking of gratitude: I am thankful for the ongoing support of my parents, housemates and friends. Andrew has been a doll throughout this whole unemployment experience and a great resource for all my questions. I am grateful for all the opportunities I had to grow in conversations with others these past few days. I am fascinated at how quickly things can change and that I can have a new routine form in front of my eyes as soon as I accept a new position. I am grateful for the abundance of interest people have shown in my applications/resume. I am grateful for the knowledge that I am capable of getting through tough times and keeping them at a minimum/making the best of uncontrollable circumstances. I have maintained a budget and have not yet gone into the red. I know that I still have a few weeks yet before I am next payed but I have made it this far and by the end of the day tomorrow I will have a concrete decision: I will either be the new Grocery Replenishment Buyer–Dairy for the Seward Community Cooperative in Minneapolis OR I will be the Office Coordinator/Administrative Assistant for the Heat and Frost Insulator's Local 34. I will make an announcement here and on Facebook when it is official :) Here's to next step(s).
All in all by the end of tomorrow I should have a decision/chosen job it will be one or the other. I have had to decline three or four other phone calls asking for interviews, which is amazing! I am delighted that my job search took all of three weeks. It was not as painful as it could have been. Now I need to remember to contact Ramsey County to share my decision/stop my pending request for assistance.
To get back on to where I have been with yoga the past few days:
On Tuesday (Day 24 of my practice) I did not do any physical practice – i.e. I took the day off... I tried to meditate in the morning before my interview (which was helpful this time; before I interviewed for the Mississippi Market position my mind was more busy). It was a quiet, grey morning. There was some rain outside which was a nice noise to hear. My thoughts were minimal, sometimes they fixated on the question of "how are you going to handle it if they ask you about being let go?" – I kept breathing deeply and calmed myself down. After my interview I came home and tried to read some of the Strengthsfinder 2.0 book; I made it to the part where it asked me to fill out the online quiz, which I began working on when Arnie called back to make the offer. I did not answer right away. I finished the assessment before checking the voice message. After I got the offer I sat by myself a while and laughed. The foreword to book I had read the night before had talked about success (Man's Search for Meaning) and my laughter was a testament to how true the statement was:
Don't aim at success–the more you aim at it and make it a target, the more you are going to miss it. For success, like happiness, cannot be pursued; it must ensue, and it only does so as the unintended side-effect of one's dedication to a greater cause than oneself or as the by-product of one's surrender to a person other than oneself. Happiness must happen, and the same holds foe success: you have to let it happen by not caring about it. I want you to listen to what your conscience commands you to do and go on to carry it out to the best of your knowledge. Then you will live to see that in the long run–in the long run, I say!–success will follow you precisely because you had forgotten to think of it.I am not saying that a job in grocery or as an administrative assistant will be my life's calling but that I have been trying SO HARD for the past two years to get a promotion from within Juut that it took being deprived of the opportunity (excommunicated from the company) to look elsewhere for success. I have received SO MANY calls asking for interviews and have gotten three offers so far (two for part-time work...) but the point is, I would have not turned around to see the other options had the door (metaphorically) not been slammed in my face. I would still be trying for an impossibility with Juut thinking that one day my hard work would pay off; clearly I was not meant to be with this company despite how good of a fit I thought I was. What I have learned from this experience is that I am desirable and that I have a marketable set of skills. I do not need to stop my search here but I can go forward with a new job, clean slate and gain more experience and learn more about myself/what I want to do in this world. Fresh perspective is a blessing.
I had a yoga meal with my mother; she took me out to Cecil's delicatessen in Highland Park where I had a traditional reuben sandwich (which I only ate half of) and a side of fantastic potato salad. She told me about her final cardiac rehab session and reminded me that I had agreed to help her go to an eye appointment on Wednesday. I took my time eating, did not talk while eating and finished each bite before proceeding on to the next. I stopped when I was contentedly full and we had a good visit with each other. It was a good 3-4 hours before I had anything more to eat.
Andrew came by that same evening to celebrate my good news. He took me out to W.A. Frost; as I had already eaten I sat as his companion. I had a non-alcoholic beverage and watched him enjoy an order of mussels. I was tempted by the duck entree but decided to be content with watching him enjoy it (it is a dish we both savor there). I did join him in dessert; we shared the "kit kat" bar made of hazelnut praline and dark chocolate; there was a little drizzle of rich caramel on the plate as well as a side of chai ice cream, literally a scoopful that was the size of a large gum ball; I had no aversion to enjoying this delight although it was certainly "added sugar." Good thing I am admittedly not 100% committed to the group's 21 day quantum cleanse. No doubt it would be good for me to try but I am not yet ready for this and think it would be best to try when my spirit is in it. I loved spending my evening with Andrew, it's a good date spot. Our evening ended abruptly when we realized his sister had been trying to call us. She needed our support so we rushed home. While Andrew listened as her confidant, I went downstairs and spent some more time meditating.
Day 25: Wednesday. I woke up around 9:30 a.m. which means I slept in. I went into the living room and did 5 Sun As and 5 Sun Bs and tried to do the standing postures that we had practiced from Sunday's class, which amounted to about 20 minutes of personal practice. It was tricky since I was working with my bare feet on the floor, my yoga mat was at my place. I contemplated what it would be like with a towel on the floor but decided I had better traction on the wooden floor with my bare feet. I dedicated 10-15 minutes for meditation afterwards, so it was not the full amount of time. Zatz, the cat, wanted my attention and kept climbing into my lap, kneading her claws on me. So I was roused. I went to wake Andrew and we quickly got ready to go pick up my Mom for her eye appointment. We stopped at Bruegger's for bagels and coffee (I had hot chocolate). Andrew learned that Bryce was free for the day so decided he would spend time with his best friend. After dropping my Mom off, I stayed at my house/a.k.a. Bryce and Pippa's while they went off to MOA to find new games, console stuff. While I waited at home for my mom to call saying her eye appointment was done, I tried to read more of the Strengthsfinder 2.0 assessment but found that my eyes did not want to spend time looking at a computer screen!
When my Mom's appointment was done I went to the Central Medical building and picked her up. All was well. Brought her back to her apartment. It was there I got a phone call back from Arnie (whom I had emailed asking for more information on remuneration/benefits) and asked him for a higher rate. After we got off the phone I communicated with my mother at how accomplished I felt having navigated my first negotiation for higher pay. Of course it wasn't a LOT but the point was it would be higher than what I was earning at Juut which meant a lot moving forward. From there we decided it was time for dinner and went out to Eddington's for soup. I guess I considered this my yoga meal for the day because it was something to savor! I had two bowls of the chicken tortilla soup with fresh salsa and blue tortilla chips. Wow, the salsa was amazing with hints of lime, tomato and cilantro. I did pause between bowl refills and decided YES I would have another. I felt satisfied at the end, not overly full. We did have great conversation but always during breaks during our meal. Needless to say we stayed seated during our meal and I did not eat again until much later that evening (4-5 hours later) when I had a snack.
After dinner I returned to her apartment, gave her a back rub and then I decided it was time to go home. I spent some time with Andrew, he and I were under the impression we were going to hang out with B&P but they were sleepy so he and I stayed up on our own, made vegan brownies and rented a movie from Amazon Instant Play (the new blockbuster I guess, with over 60,000 films??) called Oblivion. We both agreed that it was an interesting concept but that it had many holes in its plot. We also learned that the graphic novel it was supposedly based on was never actually written. It was around 12:30 a.m. when we had finished watching the movie and we headed to bed.
Day 26 (today). We woke up around 7:30 a.m. to the sound of an incessant doorbell and the voice of Bryce's mother shouting "Bryce! Bryce!" to which there was no apparent answer. To make a long story short I went downstairs and let her in saying I did not know where he was and asked if she had tried calling him; she had not, but insisted that his motorcycle and car were there so he wouldn't be at class. I trudged up stairs and called up to his bedroom. He DID answer, so he eventually made his way downstairs to talk with his mother. Andrew and I could not fall back asleep (this would normally be considered a travesty for Andrew who normally never wakes before 11 a.m. due to his late-night work schedule). He made coffee and played Minecraft on my computer while I took my time waking up. We went out for breakfast at Longfellow, which is our usual place. I ate about half of the food that arrived on my plate; I had ordered the American Breakfast which was two eggs, a portion of hash browns, two slices of toast and a breakfast meat. For some reason I thought this was a good amount of food for me but it was clearly too much. So after eating my fill I stopped and did not force the rest. After breakfast we hemmed and hawed over what to do with the day. Andrew had errands to run and I wanted to spend the day outside (the sun had come out; it was only about 50º F). When I finally communicated how important it was for me to spend more time together, we went on a date to Stillwater. We walked around. Stopped at a candy store where we bought a few dark chocolate truffles and then sat down in a cafe and played two games of chess. It was fun to get out and do something different. When we got back to Saint Paul Andrew headed out to do his errands and I got ready to do yoga. I went to the 5:45 Hatha class at Highland Park taught by Ryan. Jan saw me on my way in and invited me to join an hour-long meditation at 8:00 which I did consider, however after yoga I realized how hungry I was and decided to go home to eat. Class was more difficult for me today. I think it was a combination of being overly tired and not well hydrated. I noticed especially how difficult it was for me to hold my downward facing dogs as well as the top of my plank/side planks. On Monday I was rocking it, but today was not so great. I accepted myself as I was in this practice, kept focused on my breathing and enjoyed poses like pigeon and some sort of squat for which I don't yet know the name–legs are hip width distance apart, hands are at heart center; torso sinks almost to the floor/thighs are below knees. Savasana was not the quietest place for my mind. I was too fixated on the music and the breathing around me. I don't know why I was so in my head rather than allow myself to sink into the floor. I did like the scented towel which I had placed over my eyes but could not place the aroma. It was not sandalwood; I think it was something more like clove, kind of spicy.
When I got home I ate the remainder of my reuben from Tuesday. It was great heated up on the stove top. It was just the right amount of food. I ate that in silence. Then I watched the documentary on Salinger from Netflix. I have always loved Franny and Zooey, not so much a fan of The Catcher and the Rye. Anyhow, it was good to see. It was slightly disturbing in the sense that I had idealized the man, while he was someone very human; the good, the bad, the ugly. I do anticipate the release of his posthumous novels, although it will be weird to have more to think of, critique... it might change the way we see his previous/collective work.
A little bummed, just got an email from Jan in response to my question about tonight's meditation. Sounds like it was just tonight and not a regular/weekly thing. Sad to have missed the opportunity but I made a decision to go home and eat dinner instead. I must not have regrets. I do need to learn to say yes and no and not feel bad about my decisions. Now I must go complete my daily meditation, as that is all I have left to do before going to bed. I am glad to have finally gotten caught up with my blog/journal entries. Sorry it was not neat and organized these past few days, my brain has just been in such a whirl of gratitude for the job offer and working through how my upcoming days will be.
Speaking of gratitude: I am thankful for the ongoing support of my parents, housemates and friends. Andrew has been a doll throughout this whole unemployment experience and a great resource for all my questions. I am grateful for all the opportunities I had to grow in conversations with others these past few days. I am fascinated at how quickly things can change and that I can have a new routine form in front of my eyes as soon as I accept a new position. I am grateful for the abundance of interest people have shown in my applications/resume. I am grateful for the knowledge that I am capable of getting through tough times and keeping them at a minimum/making the best of uncontrollable circumstances. I have maintained a budget and have not yet gone into the red. I know that I still have a few weeks yet before I am next payed but I have made it this far and by the end of the day tomorrow I will have a concrete decision: I will either be the new Grocery Replenishment Buyer–Dairy for the Seward Community Cooperative in Minneapolis OR I will be the Office Coordinator/Administrative Assistant for the Heat and Frost Insulator's Local 34. I will make an announcement here and on Facebook when it is official :) Here's to next step(s).
Day 23: Oct. 14, 2013
Today was another day where I woke up kind of dreading the "what next" feeling. I felt stuck, confined in the house. Even though I have a cell phone, I wanted to stay home to ensure I had service. I was expecting a phone call from Ramsey county to discuss eligibility for aid. I was scheduled to get the call anywhere between 12 p.m. and 4:30 p.m. I received the phone call around 10:00 a.m. so my afternoon freed up unexpectedly, but I was glad I was available to take the call (since I had moved my activities to the morning). After I spoke with Linda(?) I called MN unemployment to discuss a few pending issues. The representative I talked to said there wasn't anything I needed to do, that they were simply waiting to hear back from Juut to confirm my dismissal, so I guess that was a relief too (their deadline for a decision of eligibility is Oct. 19). Hoping to be employed here shortly but just in case I thought it would be good to file for assistance. I did receive a phone call from the Seward Co-op today requesting an interview time for tomorrow(!) so I spent the remainder of my day preparing for that interview... considering possible questions they might ask. I even went to the location to scope it out/come up with questions I might have.
Just finished talking with Christine on the phone. I feel a lot more at ease about my interview tomorrow. I think it will go really well :) I just have to maintain this mindset!
Yoga Meal Record: around 10:30 a.m. ate a bowl of cereal and one large apple. I remained seated. I did not do anything else while eating although I was tempted to read. My cereal did have added cinnamon and sugar but this felt appropriate for a fall day. I ate one bite at a time and did not reach for the next spoonful of cereal until I had finished what I was chewing. I waited about five minutes after finishing my bowl of cereal before deciding to eat my apple. The apple was wonderful, the skin had great flavor and the body of the apple was succulent. I waited again after eating the apple and found myself content.
Daily Meditation: Tried to meditate in the late morning/early afternoon. Felt very antsy. Kept coming up with lists of things to do. Re-arranging myself. Feeling chilly. Excuses.
Daily Practice: Went to the 7:00 Slow Burn class at Highland Park with Jennifer and stayed for the Yin practice at 8:15 with Jan. I felt very strong in the first class this evening. I was able to do twists and side planks without much shaking in my upper body. My gaze was up and my arms were engaged strongly above and below me, where ever I was I found myself in my breath. It was a very great experience. I felt so much heat billow inside of me when we held our planks near the beginning of class, I did not try to get out of it, I think my alignment was ON! Near the end of class she had us hold one leg at a time, inhale, then exhale UP, pulling ourself closer to our knee and NOT BREATHE. I am not sure what the benefit of this exercise was other than intense concentration and control of the will. In Yin practice I felt my hamstrings yell at me. I used a bolster tonight in all of my forward folds. When we got to the posture where we were focusing on elongating our quadriceps one at a time I felt absolute peace; my upper back was resting on the bolster, my heart was open and I was breathing deep. I was not up against an edge in this pose and was wondering if that was a bad thing, but I reveled in this deep relaxation for several minutes on each side before taking our final savasana. I was very emotional in both of these classes tonight during savasana. I don't know what it is about music playing at that time if it is helpful for provoking/whether or not the provocation is invited or unwelcome but I let it in and allow the tears to flow. I try and ask myself why they are there or from whence they flow but I have found ultimately it is overwhelming love, joy; some sadness but it comes from experiencing love. If someone were to see my energy at that time I wonder if it emanates green, blue, pink, purple. Is it peaceful or does it negatively affect those around me?
Daily Gratitude: Thank you for the time to accomplish one thing at a time today. I feel like I was able to evaluate things and prioritize needs based on a timeline and that helped me. Thank you for friends I can ask questions to, for my Mother who called and asked for my help -- thank you for making my schedule available to her. Thank you for a caring boyfriend who allows me my space to prepare for an interview and makes time to see me after his work week ends tomorrow. I am thankful for a home to live in with friends who let me share their space. I am appreciating the sound of rain, the glow of candles and the comfort of tea. I am again grateful for this computer on which I now write; it enables me to search and apply for jobs with ease. If I were still using my older device I would be struggling to do what I do now each and every day. Of course I would be creative and come up with solutions but I am glad to have the ability to participate in the online job search, things would be so much more limited if all I had access to was the local paper.
Just finished talking with Christine on the phone. I feel a lot more at ease about my interview tomorrow. I think it will go really well :) I just have to maintain this mindset!
Yoga Meal Record: around 10:30 a.m. ate a bowl of cereal and one large apple. I remained seated. I did not do anything else while eating although I was tempted to read. My cereal did have added cinnamon and sugar but this felt appropriate for a fall day. I ate one bite at a time and did not reach for the next spoonful of cereal until I had finished what I was chewing. I waited about five minutes after finishing my bowl of cereal before deciding to eat my apple. The apple was wonderful, the skin had great flavor and the body of the apple was succulent. I waited again after eating the apple and found myself content.
Daily Meditation: Tried to meditate in the late morning/early afternoon. Felt very antsy. Kept coming up with lists of things to do. Re-arranging myself. Feeling chilly. Excuses.
Daily Practice: Went to the 7:00 Slow Burn class at Highland Park with Jennifer and stayed for the Yin practice at 8:15 with Jan. I felt very strong in the first class this evening. I was able to do twists and side planks without much shaking in my upper body. My gaze was up and my arms were engaged strongly above and below me, where ever I was I found myself in my breath. It was a very great experience. I felt so much heat billow inside of me when we held our planks near the beginning of class, I did not try to get out of it, I think my alignment was ON! Near the end of class she had us hold one leg at a time, inhale, then exhale UP, pulling ourself closer to our knee and NOT BREATHE. I am not sure what the benefit of this exercise was other than intense concentration and control of the will. In Yin practice I felt my hamstrings yell at me. I used a bolster tonight in all of my forward folds. When we got to the posture where we were focusing on elongating our quadriceps one at a time I felt absolute peace; my upper back was resting on the bolster, my heart was open and I was breathing deep. I was not up against an edge in this pose and was wondering if that was a bad thing, but I reveled in this deep relaxation for several minutes on each side before taking our final savasana. I was very emotional in both of these classes tonight during savasana. I don't know what it is about music playing at that time if it is helpful for provoking/whether or not the provocation is invited or unwelcome but I let it in and allow the tears to flow. I try and ask myself why they are there or from whence they flow but I have found ultimately it is overwhelming love, joy; some sadness but it comes from experiencing love. If someone were to see my energy at that time I wonder if it emanates green, blue, pink, purple. Is it peaceful or does it negatively affect those around me?
Daily Gratitude: Thank you for the time to accomplish one thing at a time today. I feel like I was able to evaluate things and prioritize needs based on a timeline and that helped me. Thank you for friends I can ask questions to, for my Mother who called and asked for my help -- thank you for making my schedule available to her. Thank you for a caring boyfriend who allows me my space to prepare for an interview and makes time to see me after his work week ends tomorrow. I am thankful for a home to live in with friends who let me share their space. I am appreciating the sound of rain, the glow of candles and the comfort of tea. I am again grateful for this computer on which I now write; it enables me to search and apply for jobs with ease. If I were still using my older device I would be struggling to do what I do now each and every day. Of course I would be creative and come up with solutions but I am glad to have the ability to participate in the online job search, things would be so much more limited if all I had access to was the local paper.
Sunday, October 13, 2013
"Highest Aim" paper
I have been grappling with the question “What is my highest aim? and “how does it relate to
yoga?” for about a week now. I thought maybe something more profound would emerge if I waited to
answer the question, but my immediate response has not changed. My highest aim has always been to
be as self-aware as possible and serve others with intention.
While being self-aware sounds intrinsically simple, it is a continual challenge for me in conjunction with serving others. Being self-aware takes dedication, a willingness to face my fears and own my dreams. Serving others continually demands patience, empathy and the ability to put aside my thoughts and put my attention first and foremost on others' needs. Each of these practices are intertwined and keep the other in balance. To reiterate: I cannot possibly serve others if I am not aware of what my own wants and needs are and if my concern for others is rooted in wondering how their wellbeing serves me, that is not genuine caring. To be genuine in my interactions with others I must be able to differentiate between the chitta vritti in my mind and what others are saying to me – to fully witness and observe what they need from me means being fully present with them and not allowing my mind's chatter to get in the way.
The reason I care so much about being self-aware and serving others with intention is because that is why I believe I am here. I exist to learn more, to expand my understanding and be challenged by the philosophies and actions of others who are also developing on their own path. I see my development in particular as being related to yoga. Like Ashtanga Yoga itself, there is a practice and philosophy with which I live. I see myself as engaging with ethical and moral principles on a daily basis (philosophy aspect) which help me make decisions that launch me into interactions with others (active practice). It is my understanding that my interactions and experiences with others are in themselves gifts. To explain what I mean by living as a gift and how it relates to yoga, I will share a passage with which I felt a resonance from The World Peace Diet in which Tuttle says:
While being self-aware sounds intrinsically simple, it is a continual challenge for me in conjunction with serving others. Being self-aware takes dedication, a willingness to face my fears and own my dreams. Serving others continually demands patience, empathy and the ability to put aside my thoughts and put my attention first and foremost on others' needs. Each of these practices are intertwined and keep the other in balance. To reiterate: I cannot possibly serve others if I am not aware of what my own wants and needs are and if my concern for others is rooted in wondering how their wellbeing serves me, that is not genuine caring. To be genuine in my interactions with others I must be able to differentiate between the chitta vritti in my mind and what others are saying to me – to fully witness and observe what they need from me means being fully present with them and not allowing my mind's chatter to get in the way.
The reason I care so much about being self-aware and serving others with intention is because that is why I believe I am here. I exist to learn more, to expand my understanding and be challenged by the philosophies and actions of others who are also developing on their own path. I see my development in particular as being related to yoga. Like Ashtanga Yoga itself, there is a practice and philosophy with which I live. I see myself as engaging with ethical and moral principles on a daily basis (philosophy aspect) which help me make decisions that launch me into interactions with others (active practice). It is my understanding that my interactions and experiences with others are in themselves gifts. To explain what I mean by living as a gift and how it relates to yoga, I will share a passage with which I felt a resonance from The World Peace Diet in which Tuttle says:
As we evolve spiritually and awaken our potential, we can be food for others every day, sharing our love and understanding, our time and energy, nourishing others and ourselves in the process. It is not just our personal love, energy, or time that we share, for like the apple, when we give of ourselves we are giving of the gifts we've received from our families, teachers, and friends, from the earth and her creatures, from the sun, moon, and stars, and from all our experiences. Ultimately, we are life itself giving to itself–feeding itself, exploring, satisfying, and rejuvenating itself. If we live well, we may feed many with the most nourishing food: the fruits of compassion and wisdom. In the end, more than needing food for the journey, and that our deepest need and joy is not merely to consume but to be nourishing food for others, and we are called to discover our own unique way of contributing (Tuttle 5-6).
Therefore, by being our individual self, living as authentically and wholeheartedly as possible, we can
help others achieve a higher understanding and cultivate a richer more full life for all beings around us.
Our lives are holy; our experiences should awe us with beauty and profound love. We should treat
others with the respect and give reverence to our teachers.
On that note, every time I am in a yoga class and the session ends with the teacher thanking the students for sharing their practice, I get chills. The term Namaste means “the Divine in me bows to the Divine in you.” I appreciate this action each and every time it is performed because I recognize and experience our oneness, beyond time and ego. I believe that we are drawn together to share this life and act as teachers to one another. My desire to investigate the practice of yoga has become in essence the means with which I can support my highest aim: to become a better student and teacher by knowing myself more fully and serving others with intention.
On that note, every time I am in a yoga class and the session ends with the teacher thanking the students for sharing their practice, I get chills. The term Namaste means “the Divine in me bows to the Divine in you.” I appreciate this action each and every time it is performed because I recognize and experience our oneness, beyond time and ego. I believe that we are drawn together to share this life and act as teachers to one another. My desire to investigate the practice of yoga has become in essence the means with which I can support my highest aim: to become a better student and teacher by knowing myself more fully and serving others with intention.
Day 22: Oct. 13, 2013
It was more difficult getting up today; right away my body rebelled and my brain told me I had make a huge mistake in declining the job offer for Mississippi Market. I have not made a mistake, I made a choice and I will make other choices. I will eventually land a job that will hopefully be more than a job. The theme in my practice today was "be here now" and seriously engage with the understanding that this will not last forever, nothing does. While I feel miserable now, this feeling will not remain. Things will continue to change. I know I am loved and supported. I am challenged right now and it is up to me to show up every day and meet the day head on. I am afraid I will run out of money but that is not going to happen. The universe is generous and I have a lot going for me; my fears just want to take over and I have to remain in the driver's seat.
Jan led Astanga today at 11:00, Jason was elsewhere. She called on a few of my classmates to lead Sun Salutation A sequences. We went through Sun As, Bs, then the standing postures; the whole gamut. I know I've done it before but perhaps I was just more alert today and I recognized exactly HOW MANY postures we were doing. They all felt natural; some more challenging. My feet keep slipping on the mat. I especially had trouble in the standing/balancing postures. My back hurt again after wheel/plough, which is strange because I feel really good IN those poses. I asked Jan after class for feedback on that precise pain/spasm I have been having and she just suggested that my body might not be ready or that I should rest my feet on the floor before coming to lay down all the way on my mat.
Practice and Meditation today were strictly in class. I might do one more meditation before bed but I will not record it here. Today's meditation in class went fairly well. I was not too antsy, nor was I uncomfortable but I did face the enemy of aversion/I wanted to get on to something else. A few times I caught myself thinking "hurry up; let's do the mettā-meditation and then go eat lunch!"
I ate my yoga meal today with Joan and Sarah during our lunch break. I had another piece of butternut squash (very similar lunch to last week's). I decided to leave my leftover curry at home as a meal to enjoy after yoga (better heated anyway). After the piece of squash I ate two small clusters of red grapes. I waited a few minutes and then ate a Larabar. I waited a few more minutes and then I decided I was satiated, so I did not end up eating my large apple. I did not talk during my meal, I did not "pick up" the next bite until I was done chewing/swallowing the bite in my mouth. All in all, a good practice. I appreciated the company too; they shared their perspectives after I asked if I could share the challenges I felt I was facing that day. They both agreed that it might be tough now but it will get better with time. I know they are right; I feel so young and silly sometimes/that I'm being overly dramatic. However, I DID lose my job and I am hunting like crazy/trying to figure myself out. Of course I'm stressed. I need to keep doing my yoga and my meditation and things will surface and I will find my truth.
I am grateful to share my practice with all those in my class. I am grateful for their feedback and critiques so I can improve my understanding and my method of teaching. I appreciate being able to take breaks to drink water and use the bathroom. I am glad that I had 10 minutes after my lunch today that I was able to take a stroll outside and enjoy the sunshine. I need to get outside more these next few weeks while it's not too cold out! I am thankful to Bryce and Philippa for helping me get my journal/essay printed off this morning before class. I am now celebrating that I have the evening to myself, to sit down to dinner here soon and then afterward curl up with a book or two or three. I have several I'm going between. I want to finish up Brene Brown's book on The Gifts of Imperfection, work my way through Strengthsfinders 2.0 and start reading part one of Man's Search for Meaning.
Jan led Astanga today at 11:00, Jason was elsewhere. She called on a few of my classmates to lead Sun Salutation A sequences. We went through Sun As, Bs, then the standing postures; the whole gamut. I know I've done it before but perhaps I was just more alert today and I recognized exactly HOW MANY postures we were doing. They all felt natural; some more challenging. My feet keep slipping on the mat. I especially had trouble in the standing/balancing postures. My back hurt again after wheel/plough, which is strange because I feel really good IN those poses. I asked Jan after class for feedback on that precise pain/spasm I have been having and she just suggested that my body might not be ready or that I should rest my feet on the floor before coming to lay down all the way on my mat.
Practice and Meditation today were strictly in class. I might do one more meditation before bed but I will not record it here. Today's meditation in class went fairly well. I was not too antsy, nor was I uncomfortable but I did face the enemy of aversion/I wanted to get on to something else. A few times I caught myself thinking "hurry up; let's do the mettā-meditation and then go eat lunch!"
I ate my yoga meal today with Joan and Sarah during our lunch break. I had another piece of butternut squash (very similar lunch to last week's). I decided to leave my leftover curry at home as a meal to enjoy after yoga (better heated anyway). After the piece of squash I ate two small clusters of red grapes. I waited a few minutes and then ate a Larabar. I waited a few more minutes and then I decided I was satiated, so I did not end up eating my large apple. I did not talk during my meal, I did not "pick up" the next bite until I was done chewing/swallowing the bite in my mouth. All in all, a good practice. I appreciated the company too; they shared their perspectives after I asked if I could share the challenges I felt I was facing that day. They both agreed that it might be tough now but it will get better with time. I know they are right; I feel so young and silly sometimes/that I'm being overly dramatic. However, I DID lose my job and I am hunting like crazy/trying to figure myself out. Of course I'm stressed. I need to keep doing my yoga and my meditation and things will surface and I will find my truth.
I am grateful to share my practice with all those in my class. I am grateful for their feedback and critiques so I can improve my understanding and my method of teaching. I appreciate being able to take breaks to drink water and use the bathroom. I am glad that I had 10 minutes after my lunch today that I was able to take a stroll outside and enjoy the sunshine. I need to get outside more these next few weeks while it's not too cold out! I am thankful to Bryce and Philippa for helping me get my journal/essay printed off this morning before class. I am now celebrating that I have the evening to myself, to sit down to dinner here soon and then afterward curl up with a book or two or three. I have several I'm going between. I want to finish up Brene Brown's book on The Gifts of Imperfection, work my way through Strengthsfinders 2.0 and start reading part one of Man's Search for Meaning.
Saturday, October 12, 2013
Day 21: Oct. 12, 2013
Daily Yoga Meal Record:
10/12 9:30 p.m. Ate a bowl of rice with vegetable curry.
Daily Meditation: 10/12 Around 9:20 a.m. Since I slept in this morning I did my meditation practice before yoga in the living room. I sat in my bedroom for 20 minutes. It was a quiet morning (outside, in the house, in my mind). I did not wake up with too many thoughts so sitting still was easier than it has been other days this week. Still had a running list of things to do accost me but I told it to come back to me later. During mettā-meditation I drew upon my gratefulness for the bravery of Christine and Chelsea in the opening a health and wellness center. May it serve many people in that and other surrounding communities.
Daily Practice: 10/12 9:45 a.m. living room. Did not wake up in time to make it to class today at 9:30 so I did my own Sun Salutations; 5 A and 5 B. My arms felt quite fatigued during the practice. Perhaps it is because it is colder this morning and I'm not already warmed up/in a warm room (our heat isn't turned on yet – not that it's that cold but 50º F is definitely less warm than 70º or 80º). When I was doing the B sequence, at repetition four I observed that I had slipped in my concentration and was doing the A sequence so I started over (i.e. instead of bringing my right leg forward immediately from downward facing dog into warrior one position I had been hanging out/breathing in downward facing dog). Since I could tell in the beginning that my arms/shoulders ached I stayed with 5 repetitions of each (I had been hoping to take it to 10 but did not want to push it) and took a savasana. When I lay on my mat I noticed that my neck felt tight, even spasmed slightly; maybe I slept with my head tilted improperly on the pillow? I breathed and stretched to relieve discomfort. It was a short savasana, two or three minutes at most. All in all practice took about 20 minutes.
Daily Gratitude: Thankful that Andrew wanted to share breakfast together; he took me out. Before that I was able to carve a pumpkin with Bryce and Philippa (and Bryce's mother Cindy). That was fun! It was a chilly fall day but it was nice to enjoy some hot tea and cider. I am grateful that I was able to take the time to meet up with Amy and teach her several sets of Sun Salutation A and B. She had really helpful feedback and I felt more confident in my approach today! Yahoo! Amy commented on my style as having a nice cadence and that I gave good direction. There were a few times that we both laughed because either I mis-spoke or she misunderstood me and we would start the sequence over again. It was good that she tried to interpret my descriptions literally and manifested my instructions. This is a good technique so I know how I am being heard/come across. I look forward to learning anatomy so I can make more hands on adjustments; for now I am just keeping my eyes on her knees and arm/shoulder feet/hip placement. I am glad that I had the time to sit down and write my paper today. I have been putting it off because I wasn't sure how I was going to answer "my highest aim" question but it came tumbling out after I started typing. I will include it on my blog here in a day or so so that you may see what that was about! Finally, I am thankful that I had time together with others today. I woke up a little lonely but today's interactions helped me remember that people are always there if you reach out or respond to invitations.
10/12 9:30 p.m. Ate a bowl of rice with vegetable curry.
Remained seated? Yes ✓ No.
Refrained from conversation while chewing? Yes ✓ No (if no, % of meal = __%)
Refrained from any external distractions? Yes✓ No
Waited until food was completely chewed and swallowed before picking up my next bite. Yes No✓ (if no, % of meal = 50%)
Refrained from putting more than two handfuls of food on my plate at any given time, finished eating my two handfuls, then waited 3-5 minutes before taking more food. Yes✓ No
Waited 2-6 hours before taking my next meal. Yes✓ No.
Comments: I was eating my dinner alone initially but then my housemates came home. I was happy to see them but my attention ceased from my eating/I noticed myself pick up the next spoonful before I had finished the previous bite. I did not talk while eating or distract myself with any media interaction but they were each playing YouTube videos on their phones, so that was audible to me. I will be happy for the leftovers tomorrow (yay for brining a lunch to yoga)!
Daily Meditation: 10/12 Around 9:20 a.m. Since I slept in this morning I did my meditation practice before yoga in the living room. I sat in my bedroom for 20 minutes. It was a quiet morning (outside, in the house, in my mind). I did not wake up with too many thoughts so sitting still was easier than it has been other days this week. Still had a running list of things to do accost me but I told it to come back to me later. During mettā-meditation I drew upon my gratefulness for the bravery of Christine and Chelsea in the opening a health and wellness center. May it serve many people in that and other surrounding communities.
Daily Practice: 10/12 9:45 a.m. living room. Did not wake up in time to make it to class today at 9:30 so I did my own Sun Salutations; 5 A and 5 B. My arms felt quite fatigued during the practice. Perhaps it is because it is colder this morning and I'm not already warmed up/in a warm room (our heat isn't turned on yet – not that it's that cold but 50º F is definitely less warm than 70º or 80º). When I was doing the B sequence, at repetition four I observed that I had slipped in my concentration and was doing the A sequence so I started over (i.e. instead of bringing my right leg forward immediately from downward facing dog into warrior one position I had been hanging out/breathing in downward facing dog). Since I could tell in the beginning that my arms/shoulders ached I stayed with 5 repetitions of each (I had been hoping to take it to 10 but did not want to push it) and took a savasana. When I lay on my mat I noticed that my neck felt tight, even spasmed slightly; maybe I slept with my head tilted improperly on the pillow? I breathed and stretched to relieve discomfort. It was a short savasana, two or three minutes at most. All in all practice took about 20 minutes.
Daily Gratitude: Thankful that Andrew wanted to share breakfast together; he took me out. Before that I was able to carve a pumpkin with Bryce and Philippa (and Bryce's mother Cindy). That was fun! It was a chilly fall day but it was nice to enjoy some hot tea and cider. I am grateful that I was able to take the time to meet up with Amy and teach her several sets of Sun Salutation A and B. She had really helpful feedback and I felt more confident in my approach today! Yahoo! Amy commented on my style as having a nice cadence and that I gave good direction. There were a few times that we both laughed because either I mis-spoke or she misunderstood me and we would start the sequence over again. It was good that she tried to interpret my descriptions literally and manifested my instructions. This is a good technique so I know how I am being heard/come across. I look forward to learning anatomy so I can make more hands on adjustments; for now I am just keeping my eyes on her knees and arm/shoulder feet/hip placement. I am glad that I had the time to sit down and write my paper today. I have been putting it off because I wasn't sure how I was going to answer "my highest aim" question but it came tumbling out after I started typing. I will include it on my blog here in a day or so so that you may see what that was about! Finally, I am thankful that I had time together with others today. I woke up a little lonely but today's interactions helped me remember that people are always there if you reach out or respond to invitations.
Friday, October 11, 2013
Day 20: Oct. 11, 2013
I went to the Grand Opening of Hazel and Moss today in Victoria, MN. Hazel and Moss is a yoga studio/health and wellness center founded by my friend Chelsea Rice and her friend Christine Tschida. Chelsea ties her passion for hatha yoga with personalized health coaching (her background is in nutrition and she has holistic approaches to preventative care that helps clients develop lifestyle changes and lasting results). Christine focuses on developing health and well being with her clients through reiki sessions and diets centered on individuals' chakras. It was great to see them in their space and learn about what they are looking to offer their guests. It sounds like Chelsea's classes are capped at 6, so she asks for her clients to sign up in advance (there is a discounted rate for those who pre-register for $13/class; drops-in requests are $16 per class). I am not sure what Christine's rate is for a reiki session but I had a complimentary mini session with her today and loved her calm approach. I felt energy swirling around my solar plexus, but otherwise things were calm. She said I felt "grounded" in my feet and that around my head was "light and airy" which is great! She sensed a lot of warmth in my third chakra and I explained that I had been working on engaging my Uddiyana Bandha throughout my daily practice (more on bandhas).
Anyway, traffic was thick and it took a long time to get back to Saint Paul. I was late to my tea date with Johanna, another former coworker of mine from Juut. We spent time catching up; I won't go into detail on that here. After I met with her I went back home and saw Bryce and Philippa for the first time since Tuesday, we've all been on the go a lot. They invited me to join them out for dinner, so I did.
When we came back I spent a few hours revising my LinkedIn profile and then I realized that I had not written my daily journal entry, so that brings us to now...
Daily Yoga Meal:
10/11 Dinner with Bryce and Philippa. Ate together at Grand Central, a local restaurant focused on fresh salads, panini sandwiches and crepes.
Anyway, traffic was thick and it took a long time to get back to Saint Paul. I was late to my tea date with Johanna, another former coworker of mine from Juut. We spent time catching up; I won't go into detail on that here. After I met with her I went back home and saw Bryce and Philippa for the first time since Tuesday, we've all been on the go a lot. They invited me to join them out for dinner, so I did.
When we came back I spent a few hours revising my LinkedIn profile and then I realized that I had not written my daily journal entry, so that brings us to now...
Daily Yoga Meal:
10/11 Dinner with Bryce and Philippa. Ate together at Grand Central, a local restaurant focused on fresh salads, panini sandwiches and crepes.
Remained seated? Yes ✓ No.
Refrained from conversation while chewing? Yes No ✓ (if no, % of meal = 80%)
Refrained from any external distractions? Yes✓ No
Waited until food was completely chewed and swallowed before picking up my next bite. Yes No✓ (if no, % of meal = 0%)
Refrained from putting more than two handfuls of food on my plate at any given time, finished eating my two handfuls, then waited 3-5 minutes before taking more food. Yes✓ No
Waited 2-6 hours before taking my next meal. Yes✓ No.
Comments: I had three small portions of salads; one was a beet salad with green beans, one was a chicken curry salad with scallions and the other was a broccoli salad with onions, crasins and chia seeds. I took my time eating but continually focused on putting more food on my fork. I was not rushing from bite to bite but I was not setting down my fork during the interim of chewing. There were two instances where I caught myself talking with a remnant of food in my mouth, which was disappointing. I loved all the colors and flavors of this meal but it would have been better yet if I had taken the time to give it more reverence.
Daily Meditation: This morning, 9:00 a.m. Shortly after waking I went into the living room, the house was still quiet. If others were awake, they weren't around. I had woken up with feelings of nervous anxiety; I was not looking forward to calling Joel at the Mississippi Market and turning down the job offer. I guess I was 1. disappointed that it wasn't the end of my job search and 2. afraid that if I said no to this offer that I would be without luck for another job offer (so not true and a negative perspective)! I decided, going into my meditation, that it would be best if I could let these thoughts go since they did not serve me. My breathing was not as focused or as deep as the night before but my anxiety subsided and I observed my thoughts become fewer and further between. It is nice to be able to slow down and say to the thought, "I recognize you but I will not engage with you right now."
Daily Practice: No instructor today; just me, myself and I. I practiced 5 Sun Salutation As and 5 Bs after my meditation and then had a short savasana (maybe I should have done the meditation afterwards but today I think this method worked for me). I was flowing in Sun A but in Sun B my body told me it did not want to rest in warrior 1 position; I think my hips are still tired from the "sunflower" poses from Wednesday's class with Jennifer. I notice today that my knees are still bothering me. I will have to research some counter poses and work to relieve the tension that I feel...
Daily Gratitude: I am thankful for a day that allowed me to grow. I turned down a job offer but I allowed myself the opportunity to continue searching for something that is an even better fit/meets my needs. I am thankful for Pauline who got in contact with me (she is from the recruiting agency that I visited with yesterday) and she set me up with an interview for a full time position in down town St. Paul for next Friday at 11:00 a.m. This was a great encouragement and I feel like I can keep on keeping on! I am thankful for getting time to catch up with Bryce and Pippa a little today. I am also grateful that I received a phone call from a stranger today who had found Christine's lost phone. She will be SO happy and surprised to get it back; I am glad that it was found so she does not have to purchase a new one. I am thankful now that I am done with my responsibilities for the day and can go to sleep. I have many things to accomplish tomorrow including practice at Highland Park Lifetime Fitness, writing a paper and teaching Sun Salutations to Amy (and whomever else wants to join in)!
Daily Meditation: This morning, 9:00 a.m. Shortly after waking I went into the living room, the house was still quiet. If others were awake, they weren't around. I had woken up with feelings of nervous anxiety; I was not looking forward to calling Joel at the Mississippi Market and turning down the job offer. I guess I was 1. disappointed that it wasn't the end of my job search and 2. afraid that if I said no to this offer that I would be without luck for another job offer (so not true and a negative perspective)! I decided, going into my meditation, that it would be best if I could let these thoughts go since they did not serve me. My breathing was not as focused or as deep as the night before but my anxiety subsided and I observed my thoughts become fewer and further between. It is nice to be able to slow down and say to the thought, "I recognize you but I will not engage with you right now."
Daily Practice: No instructor today; just me, myself and I. I practiced 5 Sun Salutation As and 5 Bs after my meditation and then had a short savasana (maybe I should have done the meditation afterwards but today I think this method worked for me). I was flowing in Sun A but in Sun B my body told me it did not want to rest in warrior 1 position; I think my hips are still tired from the "sunflower" poses from Wednesday's class with Jennifer. I notice today that my knees are still bothering me. I will have to research some counter poses and work to relieve the tension that I feel...
Daily Gratitude: I am thankful for a day that allowed me to grow. I turned down a job offer but I allowed myself the opportunity to continue searching for something that is an even better fit/meets my needs. I am thankful for Pauline who got in contact with me (she is from the recruiting agency that I visited with yesterday) and she set me up with an interview for a full time position in down town St. Paul for next Friday at 11:00 a.m. This was a great encouragement and I feel like I can keep on keeping on! I am thankful for getting time to catch up with Bryce and Pippa a little today. I am also grateful that I received a phone call from a stranger today who had found Christine's lost phone. She will be SO happy and surprised to get it back; I am glad that it was found so she does not have to purchase a new one. I am thankful now that I am done with my responsibilities for the day and can go to sleep. I have many things to accomplish tomorrow including practice at Highland Park Lifetime Fitness, writing a paper and teaching Sun Salutations to Amy (and whomever else wants to join in)!
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