It was more difficult getting up today; right away my body rebelled and my brain told me I had make a huge mistake in declining the job offer for Mississippi Market. I have not made a mistake, I made a choice and I will make other choices. I will eventually land a job that will hopefully be more than a job. The theme in my practice today was "be here now" and seriously engage with the understanding that this will not last forever, nothing does. While I feel miserable now, this feeling will not remain. Things will continue to change. I know I am loved and supported. I am challenged right now and it is up to me to show up every day and meet the day head on. I am afraid I will run out of money but that is not going to happen. The universe is generous and I have a lot going for me; my fears just want to take over and I have to remain in the driver's seat.
Jan led Astanga today at 11:00, Jason was elsewhere. She called on a few of my classmates to lead Sun Salutation A sequences. We went through Sun As, Bs, then the standing postures; the whole gamut. I know I've done it before but perhaps I was just more alert today and I recognized exactly HOW MANY postures we were doing. They all felt natural; some more challenging. My feet keep slipping on the mat. I especially had trouble in the standing/balancing postures. My back hurt again after wheel/plough, which is strange because I feel really good IN those poses. I asked Jan after class for feedback on that precise pain/spasm I have been having and she just suggested that my body might not be ready or that I should rest my feet on the floor before coming to lay down all the way on my mat.
Practice and Meditation today were strictly in class. I might do one more meditation before bed but I will not record it here. Today's meditation in class went fairly well. I was not too antsy, nor was I uncomfortable but I did face the enemy of aversion/I wanted to get on to something else. A few times I caught myself thinking "hurry up; let's do the mettā-meditation and then go eat lunch!"
I ate my yoga meal today with Joan and Sarah during our lunch break. I had another piece of butternut squash (very similar lunch to last week's). I decided to leave my leftover curry at home as a meal to enjoy after yoga (better heated anyway). After the piece of squash I ate two small clusters of red grapes. I waited a few minutes and then ate a Larabar. I waited a few more minutes and then I decided I was satiated, so I did not end up eating my large apple. I did not talk during my meal, I did not "pick up" the next bite until I was done chewing/swallowing the bite in my mouth. All in all, a good practice. I appreciated the company too; they shared their perspectives after I asked if I could share the challenges I felt I was facing that day. They both agreed that it might be tough now but it will get better with time. I know they are right; I feel so young and silly sometimes/that I'm being overly dramatic. However, I DID lose my job and I am hunting like crazy/trying to figure myself out. Of course I'm stressed. I need to keep doing my yoga and my meditation and things will surface and I will find my truth.
I am grateful to share my practice with all those in my class. I am grateful for their feedback and critiques so I can improve my understanding and my method of teaching. I appreciate being able to take breaks to drink water and use the bathroom. I am glad that I had 10 minutes after my lunch today that I was able to take a stroll outside and enjoy the sunshine. I need to get outside more these next few weeks while it's not too cold out! I am thankful to Bryce and Philippa for helping me get my journal/essay printed off this morning before class. I am now celebrating that I have the evening to myself, to sit down to dinner here soon and then afterward curl up with a book or two or three. I have several I'm going between. I want to finish up Brene Brown's book on The Gifts of Imperfection, work my way through Strengthsfinders 2.0 and start reading part one of Man's Search for Meaning.
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