Today I woke up feeling anxious. I
wonder how many times I have used that word – anxious – in all my
postings. Must be the season. I decided last night to
accept the position at the union despite all its mysteries and
unknowns. When I woke up I felt my "stomach" feeling
like it was churning into knots; the exact location was my
solar plexus/manipura/3rd chakra. This is the place where
fulfillment, self-esteem and transformation takes place. I have
been doing a lot of deep breathing and engaging my Uddiyana
bandha; perhaps this has something to do with my growing sense of
awareness. I have no doubt that my daily yoga practice has had
an impact on my ability to perceive and understand myself.
When I could not sleep/stay in bed anymore I got up
and went to the bathroom, then I went into the living room and rolled
out my yoga mat. I did 10 Sun Salutation As and 5 Sun
Salutation Bs.
The first sequence of Bs my brain
was so absorbed in my breath that I found myself hanging out in
downward facing dog before I corrected myself and started over; I
needed to instead:
1. exhale, hands to floor, knees
bent, eyes ahead.
2. inhale, arms overhead, knees remain
bent, eyes beyond fingertips
3. exhale, fold forward, straighten
knees, gaze at or through knees
4. inhale, half way lift, gaze up
5. exhale, hands down to mat, step feet
back into plank and lower down through low push up
6. inhale, raise torso up and back,
lifting through the chest, lift weight of body off of legs, holding
through tops of feet; gaze is up at the ceiling.
7. exhale, roll toes and bring hips up
and back, stretch through to an upside down V shape; gazing
at navel, immediately bring right foot up towards front of
mat between hands and plant left foot back
8. inhale and lift up, right knee is
bent, left leg stays long and strong, arms are overhead; gaze is up
toward fingertips
9. exhale hands down to mat, step right
foot back to left; lower down through chaturunga...
10. inhale, rise up, upward facing dog;
eyes up, check lifted
11. exhale, hips up and back into
downward facing dog, bring left foot up this time and plant right
foot... then finish sequence.
As you can see, a lot to remember and
internalize. I was sweating and this was reassuring, as it was
chilly in the living room and I wanted to be warm in my practice. I
was working hard to engage my bandahs and engage my ujjayi
pranayama breath. I thought about doing the standing
postures but I was again, anxious to get on to my day.
I made a plan to shower, write a
letter of resignation, get dressed for professional interaction with
Pauline and with Arnie. I wanted to go over to Pauline first to
sign documents and then go to Arnie to resign.
I called Pauline first to tell her I
was coming and she said there was no need but that if I wanted the
job it was mine and that I should come in next Monday to do paperwork
and a drug screening. I felt a little uneasy; I wanted
something tangible to make it more real, so I could trust that it was
actually happening... I did not want to resign without a promise of
something waiting for me on the other side... I called my Mom and she
said not to worry, so I went ahead with my letter and went to visit
Arnie. He was very receptive but sad to hear my decision. He
had hoped I would stay and develop there; he said he could see
a lot of potential but that he wanted me to be happy and
hoped I was making the best decision for myself. He squeezed my
hand and hugged me as I left. He appreciated me coming in to
tell him instead of just quitting. He was glad to know that I
enjoyed the environment and that no one had done anything to
make me want to leave/that it was purely my own decision. It
was difficult for me, I almost cried. I thanked him for the
opportunity and for entrusting me with his department, especially as
an outsider as they had internal candidates that were interested too.
Sarajean congratulated me in my decision (she was the woman
from HR); what a sweet soul she is. I am grateful to her and
for her support. She helped me feel good about my choice
despite the fact that it was not easy for me.
For my yoga meal I enjoyed a piece
of salmon with cauliflower. I had dinner with my Mom; she
wanted to check in on me and see how the resignation went. I
was still a little foggy when she came to pick me up. I think,
like I assured her, I would feel better about my decision once I
actually start working. It's weird to be in limbo for a week
and a half... I don't really feel like making a LinkedIn update or
Facebook update until it's official. It is so weird since I had
such an outpouring of support for my change. I know it's not
the job, that it was me that people were approving; I don't need to
worry about their approval but I certainly feel like I am taking the
road less travelled. It is weird to go from a title at a
location that is familiar to people to an unknown place. I
don't need brand recognition to succeed but I anticipate that people
will go, "oh... okay" and kind of glaze over when I talk
about the Union... anyway, back to my meal. No distractions,
good conversation in balance with attention paid to food/eating.
Chewing each bite before going after the next one. My
salmon had this awesome horseradish sauce; who knew that would be
such an awesome paring?? It's now 9:00 (about two hours after
eating dinner) and now I am hungry again so I might go after a snack
of grapes. I passed on dessert although it was offered at
dinner.
Hoping I can sleep soundly tonight.
I really need that. Then I will spend my Friday and
Saturday doing "yoga work" filling out my worksheets,
practicing asanas and watch that anatomy movie. I plan to go to
the Slow Burn class at 4:30 tomorrow but we'll see where I end up.
Saturday I might try to go to that donation class for Saint
Paul schools/fundraising for kid's lunches(breakfasts?). I
might read a little bit for fun and then I really do need to relax.
I've been so stressed these past few days. I don't do
well with making choices, so this was a good challenge for me. I
hope to get better at making choices.
Gratitude: I have had
the opportunity to speak up for my wants and needs today.
I have accepted yet another job from this life of abundance. I
should never fear for lack of options. Truely. In the
past I used to fear and feel stuck; nevermore!
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