Day 34: Oct. 25, 2013

Daily Meal Record:  Had dinner with Amy.  We walked to a local Thai restaurant, ordered a few egg rolls and two curry dishes;  one was the bung bo (a yellow curry dish with lemon grass and beef) and the other was a red curry with roasted duck, tomatoes and peas.   She had never had duck before (Amy has been a vegetarian for several years but is reintroducing meat as a source of protein back into her life per doctor recommendations, she has had a lot of issues lately and eating beans and nuts is not sufficient for her).   Each were made with coconut milk and were mild-medium spice level.  I ate a moderate amount; spacing it out over the course of an hour or so after we made the walk home (we ordered it to go).  We did not eat without distraction, however; it was a date night and she wanted to watch a movie together, so technically this was not a yoga meal but I felt myself more absorbed in my eating than paying attention to the movie.  The flavors and eating experience were so dynamic and it was great to eat in her company.  I ate a proper amount and stopped when I was satiated.  There was plenty afterwards for leftovers, which I left with her.

Daily Practice:  Woke up at Andrew's; did 5 Sun Salutations As and 5 Bs to start my day.  Again, did not focus on the side postures.  Did recite in my mind a simple script as I engaged my ujjayi pranayama breathing.  I felt good head accrue during my movement.  My breaths in and out were equal in length, not a quick breath but not drawn out to slow down the practice.  I think all in all I spent about 15 minutes going through these sequences.  Every time I was in Adho Muka Svasana (downward facing dog) I practiced engaging my mula and uddiayana bandahas.  I felt these strongly too whenever I paused for rest in sama-sthiti.  Did not spend more than 2/3 minutes in savasana.

Daily Meditation:  After asanas I sat alone in the living room and set an alarm for 20 minutes.  At about 10 minutes in I found myself panicking about my recent job change choice;  what if when I start the new job they don't think I'm qualified and they let me go??  I called myself out on this... as being ridiculous.  I breathed deeply into my manipura chakra.  Tried to focus calm and not think of anything.  It was after that 10 minute mark that my focus was disturbed and the remaining 10 minutes of my meditation were full of "can't this be done yet?" thoughts... I need to work on combating resistance.   The suggestion is always add time for MORE meditation.  I was really hungry though so after dedicating a minute or two to mettā-meditation that I was ready to eat breakfast.

Daily Gratitude:  Glad that I was able to spend time with Amy and Andrew today.  Really glad that I had no obligations toward anyone else / that I was able to take the time and catch up on rest.  The night before I did not sleep all that well, I went to bed coughing.  When I woke up I felt a slight nervousness in my stomach so it was good to move straight into my yoga and meditation to start the day.  I shared one of *Brené Brown's TED talks with Andrew today (on Shame) and we both agreed how helpful her research/conversation is/relevant to all of us.  *BB is the woman who wrote the book I am reading on vulnerability and embracing our true self, rather than being fixated on trying to become who we are not.  Here are a few of my favorite quotes from The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are, Your Guide to a Wholehearted Life:

If we share our shame story with the wrong person, they can easily become one more piece of flying debris in an already dangerous storm.  We want solid connection in a situation like this–something akin to a sturdy tree firmly planted in the ground. We definitely want to avoid the following: 1. The friend who hears the story and actually feels shame for you.  She gasps and confirms how horrified you should be.  Then there is awkward silence.  Then you have to make her feel better.  2. The friend who responds with sympathy (I feel so sorry for you) rather than empathy (I get it, I feel with you, and I've been there). If you want to see a shame cyclone turn deadly, throw me one of these at it: "Oh, you poor thing." Or, the incredibly passive-agressive southern version of sympathy: "Bless your heart."  3. The friend who needs you to be the pillar of worthiness and authenticity. She can't help because she's too disappointed in your imperfections. You've let her down.  4. The friend who is so uncomfortable with vulnerability that she scolds you: "How did you let this happen? What were you thinking?" or she looks for someone to blame: "Who was that guy? We'll kick his ass."  5. The friend who is all about making it better and, out of her own discomfort, refuses to acknowledge that you can actually be crazy and make terrible choices: "you're exaggerating. It wasn't that bad. You rock. You're perfect. Everyone loves you." 6. The friend who confuses "connection" with the opportunity to one-up you: "That's nothing.  Listen to what happened to me one time!" (10).

Our stories are not meant for everyone.  Hearing them is a privilege, and we should always ask ourselves this before we share:  "Who has earned the right to hear my story?"  If we have one or two people in our lives who can sit with us and hold space for our shame stories, and love us for our strengths and struggles, we are incredibly lucky.  If we have a friend, or a small group of friends, or family who embraces our imperfections, vulnerabilities, and power, and fills us with a sense of belonging, we are incredibly lucky.  We don't need love and belonging and story-catching from everyone in our lives, but we need it from at least one person or that small group of confidants, the best way to acknowledge these connections is to acknowledge our worthiness.  If we're working toward relationships based in love, belonging, and story, we have to start in the same place: I am worthy (48).