Had a difficult day. Spent the early morning hours working at the Seward. Arrived at 5:55 a.m. and got right to work. I spent the entire day trying to decide if it was really for me. Ate "lunch" at 8:50 a.m. Observed at 2 p.m. that I was exhausted, mentally and physically. Emotionally drained because I had to make a decision on whether or not I would accept the Union position that had been offered to me the day before. Pauline spent a good amount of time with me on the phone trying to explain the benefits to me. I did not know what I wanted but she urged me to take more time to think about it and call her back in the morning.
I decided after talking to her that I really was not enjoying the hard/physical labor of my position and that I really did not want to do what I was doing/that I am more geared towards an office position at this time in my life. Not to mention the benefits and pay are exactly where I want to be. The biggest fear holding me back = not knowing how it will be at the union. What if they lay me off after three months? I can't let fear drive my car, according to my mom. It's a great opportunity and I should felt compelled to take it. That's right, I even consulted horoscopes which as fortune would have it supported my decision to leave the Seward and take the leap of faith/take the unknown job at the union. I felt sick to my stomach all night.
I did my own yoga practice around 6 p.m. at Andrew's place. 5 Sun As and 5 Sun Bs; was too tired to do anything else. In my savasana I felt like a limp noodle. A mixture between being happy and sad.
Yoga meal? It was one of those days where I had been so absorbed in my head that I realized around 5 p.m. that I hadn't eaten since 8:50 a.m. I had some of Pippa's sweet potato stew. I ate alone, focused on my meal and had zero external distractions.
Gratitude: People were so nice to me at the Seward today. Sheena who was training me took time to answer my questions and provide me with tasks to get me oriented into the grocery side of things. I was "training" with Dan, who had transferred from the Deli. Joe, the shift lead, was a former Dairy dept. person and met about a dozen other people that helped me throughout the day. I could tell they were all really happy to have me there. I think it was my lack of sleep the night before (and the poor sleep I had several nights in a row beforehand) that contributed to my poor constitution. Sheena shared a part of her grapefruit with me that morning on break, that was really sweet. I think she really wanted me to feel welcome. I did. I was grateful to get home and talk with my Mom, Andrew and Dad before calling Pauline. I've waffled so much about this decision. Who knew that "problem" would arise (having multiple job offers). All of my friends and loved ones have my back, even if this falls on its face. We're all hoping for the best, that it pans out into something long term that I love. I'm gambling; it's scary. I don't want to disappoint the Seward people who have been so good to me. They have a great thing going there. I guess I just didn't feel like now was the time for me to be doing a physical labor position. I want more to do with numbers, organizing and problem solving. These were all present in the grocery replenishment buyer position but being that I did not feel "happy" there yesterday I think was telling. I was radiant when I interviewed last Friday with the Union. I felt good about myself and my abilities. Of course now I am filled with doubt; what if they don't think I'm good enough. GRATITUDE: I need to remember to TRUST myself and my decisions. That others think highly of me and support me no matter what. That I can hopefully rest well tonight...
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