I dropped off the map or so it seems this week in regard to the daily discipline of journaling, so I am doing it now. My brain has been busy with job related thoughts and activities; organizing myself and all the incoming mail I have received. I need to contact several offices on Monday to call off the assistance I had requested from the county for SNAP/health insurance, etc. since I have accepted employment and will soon be starting to work normal hours... I start my orientation on tomorrow!
To recap:
On Friday 10/18
I attended Aleeh's(?) Hatha class at 4:45 p.m. I loved how she talked about the whole moon and how the phases of the moon/as seasons change we can alter our practice. I look forward to investigating this further. She encouraged me to join her four week meditation group on Fridays. I will have to see if this is something I can afford to do, I think it would be a rewarding/enriching experience to do with a group.
Yoga meal: Ate oatmeal by myself in the morning before my interview. Had 1/4 cup steel cut oatmeal with some cinnamon and brown sugar (realized afterwards that that was a no-no with my recent attempt to cut out the added sugar)... Did not want to eat any more than that since before interviews my stomach tends to get a little upset/nervous/excited/churning.
Meditation: I practiced alone this evening after yoga. I had thought Amy would need me around since she had texted me earlier that day to saying she might, but then she never called. I decided before it got too late that I should meditate so about an hour after dinner (a few hours before bed) I sat in the living room. There was a candle lit in front of me. I kept my eyes closed but it was nice to sense the warm glow there. I was not too antsy but thoughts did arise about what I needed to get done this weekend/concerns I had for Amy and the transition she is going through with her break up.
Gratitude: I had a great interview with the union this morning. Although they chose the other candidate who had more direct experience in working with unions, I was told that I interviewed strongly and I likewise thought it was a positive experience! I also had a strange premonition that I had met these men before as their faces and figures were all very familiar to me (their eyes, their hair, their names; I anticipated their character/their actions/questions matched exactly as if I knew them already). Maybe it was deja vu, but the general sensation that I had was that I had worked with these men before... OR that in other circumstances I would have worked with them in this administrative position. Anyway, it was easy for me to accept the standing offer I had on the position at the Seward! I just did not want to miss an opportunity to interview for something new that I think I would be really good at.
Question/note to self: I don't know why I am angry to know that NK was looking at my profile/update of my new job on LinkedIn. Apparently she heard of my good news and wanted to check it out for herself. Why does this insight anger within me? What if she was genuinely pleased to know that I had found work so quickly? Why did I feel vulnerable/that she is out to get me? I feel that my privacy is invaded/that she somehow doesn't have a right to see me moving on to other successes. I feel like I have a lot of emotions still to sort out about being let go from Juut, despite the fact I will be happier having moved on in the long run. I was just so tied up to the idea of moving up there and the fact that it kept not happening means that I shouldn't feel so worked up about this whole thing(although in the past I felt like I was being dealt an injustice; that I was "so capable" and should be entrusted with more responsibility). NK if you are reading this I don't know how I will ever quite forgive you for your choice to let me go/how I can ever thank you for helping me along my path although it hurt at the time... I did not like how you did what you did but the fact is I am no longer there and I won't ever be again. **Jason made a comment today (10/20) in yoga that there is a shift that happens to people when they realize that things are not happening to them but rather things in life start happening for them. I think I am realizing this shift in my higher self but it comes in short bursts followed by my shouting/bruised ego on the more basic level. I still have healing to do but eventually gratitude and forgiveness will be my stance.
On Saturday 10/19:
I set my alarm for 8:00 a.m. to go to the 9:30 a.m. Hot Vinyasa class with Jan but then I decided to accept an invitation from my Mom and went with her and her friend Deb to North Branch. They wanted to get out of town and see some fall colors, which I thought sounded like a great opportunity. We also stopped at the outlet mall where I picked up a few new sweaters for winter, which I had been thinking about doing for some time. When I came back into town I got a phone call from Amy saying she wanted me to be around so I went by her place and spent some time with her. When I got back home I still had to finish part one of Man's Search for Meaning. I know that daily practices should come first (before homework) but I decided I would rather finish that book than do a set of Sun A's and B's. I also did not take time to meditate on Saturday :(
I did not eat much for food on Saturday, which contributed to my weird mood (I was kind of angry and inexplicably sad). I had a scone for breakfast and then an omelet for lunch and then I really did not eat dinner. If I considered one of my meals to be a yoga meal it would have been the lunch I ate with my Mother and Deb (the omelet). I stayed seated, did not talk with food in my mouth or allow myself to participate in distracting activities. I did not eat more than my fill, my stomach was at most 2/3 full when the meal was complete. It was a delicious omelet but I did not regard each bite full as I should have.
I was grateful to get out of town for a while, see beautiful trees and step out and walk around a state park for a bit (Wild River). The trees smelled so good, it had just rained; it also smelled like horses were nearby. I was glad I could be there for Amy as well. I did not resent our time together but I had very low energy all day which contributed to my attitude which I tried to control.
Sunday 10/20:
11:00 Astanga with Jason
We all agreed that this was an intense class but that we were all really thankful for it. I cannot describe why it was intense for me but I think Jason was able to challenge us/get each of us to an edge in several asanas.
20 minute meditation with group after class; got antsy only one time and shifted my weight around because my foot fell asleep. I have not figured out how to ignore the impulse to adjust.
Yoga meal:
Ate my lunch with Patience outside of Lunds. Had a small serving of chicken curry salad and basmati tofu salad (with ginger and raisins). This was an enjoyable meal and it was fun sitting outside, although it was kind of chilly (mid-forties today). Met her boyfriend Cody. Sounds like he is a yoga instructor too. They talked about different classes they've taken/led and it was nice to just listen to them. There were no distractions and I did not feel rushed. I ate slowly and savored each bite. After lunch was over it was time for our 20 minute siesta in the studio.
Gratitude: Happy to have time today to get caught back up with journaling and to have a good day spent with people dedicated to improving themselves. I had many opportunities for laughter today and growth. I enjoyed learning more about Johnny Kest's philosophy of using asanas to get into the body, rather than using the body to get into asanas. I agree with the sentiment that yoga is not about cookie cutter perfection of form. The human body is marvelous and can do so many things but it is not wise to expect that all bodies will be capable of the same range of motion. That assumes a lot about a person; their anatomy, health, previous experience, current pain/issues all play into how one practices asanas. What is most important again is breathing; proper alignment may help people have "ah-ha!" moments feeling energy coursing through their bodies, but this sensation will not last forever either. I am so glad to have teachers from all walks of life in my class. To have classmates that ask each other fervent "why" questions – getting at the purpose and function/benefits of poses and asking why they are performed in the order they are, etc. I am glad we took the time to discuss Man's Search for Meaning. I could write an entire entry/essay on that reading and perhaps I will as an exercise some time this week. I do have a lot of homework to do. I am very excited to watch the movie on anatomy! I also look forward to practicing the standing postures more and learning my own verbiage for cues/instructions. It will be a strong week of growth ahead. So happy that I can alleviate the worry of having to search for a job/replace that with joy and learning in the new job. I don't know how long I will be there but I can only hope I will learn more about myself over time and from there move toward something that ultimately fulfills me! Who knows, perhaps this will??
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