Today was my first day at the Seward (I had orientation, it was not an actual shift)! I was quite tired in the beginning because I did not sleep well last night. I had a dream that my mother had died and I woke up quite upset. I think what bothered me the most in my dream was the premise that my mother underwent another medical procedure and it "just didn't work" this time. I was so angry that her body gave up; that it had been punctured and probed so many times and that it could no longer serve her. I was sad because we were separated. It was weird waking up and knowing this was just a dream but realizing the brutal reality that someday we will be separated by death; maybe not eternally but for a duration (I know my mother believes in the community of saints/life after death. I am at a point where I believe in some sort of unification with a whole and that there will be no separation amongst us, however that pain/sadness can be felt only by the living). I woke up with a sharp cry. My sobs helped me realize the capacity of which I can breathe, to a clean, crisp depth. I really felt like my heart was open. I don't know how else to describe this experience. I was not miserable to the point of fear but I think I was just surprised to what extent I could feel and wake from emotion present in my dream. The night before I had not rested well either; a past boyfriend was stalking me and I was doing all I could to avoid him but he ended up finding/confronting me and I ended up having a physical altercation where I pushed him away. Somehow he ended up drenched (as if a rain cloud had opened overhead or he had been pushed into a body of water) and he walked away; I was relieved but only temporarily, my mind raced into wondering where I should go/if I should move/if I would be bothered again. Clearly I am not at ease right now. I don't know why the transition into fall/cold weather is so hard on me but clearly I am busy processing things in my sleep.
Back to today, my orientation went well. It was myself and one other new employee (Gretchen). We went through paperwork, discussed policies, learned a basic history of the co-op and a basic run through on gains sharing. There were several opportunities to walk through the building; I still feel kind of out of body there. What I mean to say is that I am in disbelief that this is somewhere that I will be spending the majority of my waking hours during the work week. This is not a bad thing, I think I'm just surprised to find myself all of a sudden working/learning. It will be good. I will make connections there and learn invaluable skills that I can use to further develop into whichever career I find myself choosing/creating.
The daily work schedule will be something like 6 a.m. to 2 p.m. / 7 a.m. to 3 p.m. / 8 a.m. to 4 p.m. depending on the day. It will be great to get out of work early! It will be tricky getting there by 5:45 a.m. on those 6 a.m. start days but I am sure I will adjust! I will also need to wear layers; lots of layers. I was so cold today. I will also have to be sure that I am eating well and well rested so that I am at my best. I don't know when yoga practice/meditation will occur if I will do it mornings before work or in the afternoon/evening before winding down. Maybe it will depend on the day!
Today's daily disciplines:
Yoga Meal Record: For lunch today (around 3 p.m.) I ate a bowl of sweet potato curry soup that Pippa made yesterday. It had chickpeas, corn and the obvious sweet potatoes in a coconut curry base. I liked the warmth of the dish. It was calming to eat and a real sensual experience. Different textures and richness with spices. I am grateful for her gift of making soups and stews, they are always so hearty and full of wonder. I remained seated, took my time away from distractions. I ate alone, focusing on each bite–first looking at it, then feeling the texture of it in my mouth before chewing, then chewing, then swallowing. It was a very dedicated meal and I felt a sense of peace, no urge to rush or complete any other task.
Daily Meditation: After work I came home and sat on the couch for about a half an hour. I realized that I had not eaten for a while, so my hunger pestered me as I waited to accomplish my dedicated meditation time.
Daily Practice: n/a took today off.
Daily Gratitude: I am thankful for Christine for helping me connect with the Seward, I wouldn't have thought of applying on my own and I feel like this environment will be nurturing for me as I grow in wellness and in service to others. I am thankful for Arnie and Chris, for wanting me to work on their team. I am thankful for Sarajean who led our orientation today; for Sean and Nick who shared their stories on how they got started with the Seward and what they do now. For Allan for taking us through basic safety procedures and guidance on waste, recycling and phone call paging. I am grateful for Andrew who comforted me last night when I awoke crying. I am thankful that I was able to see my Mother this afternoon after work and that she and I could share an evening meal together, play charades with our fortune cookies. I am thankful for my new wool socks and new bras. Basic things that make life so much more enjoyable. I am thankful for the invitation to attend "Beer and Hymns" which I did intend on going to but by the time evening rolled around I needed to rest. May Courtney feel well soon. Happy birthday to Rita who is 28 today. Thankful for my Dad who understood when I was grumpy the other day and to my Uncle, who I may not have yet informed of my employment status–will have to share the good news! I am thankful for my yoga practice which has awakened in me a greater awareness and sensitivity.
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