Day 31: Oct. 22, 2013

So I woke up to a voicemail message from Pauline today.  The Union called and asked her to extend an offer to me.  It isn't for the job I applied/interviewed for last Friday.  It is a position that would work directly with the office coordinator they had hired last Friday (it would be a support role that would perform essentially the same tasks; answer phones, direct union members to their representatives; file paper work, write reports, basic accounting).

I have several fears/questions about the assistant coordinator position. What if I don't enjoy the person they hired as my supervisor?  What if after a period of time they decide to just go with one of us and my position get eliminated?  What if I feel isolated in an office setting?  I tend to think I would thrive autonomously doing projects but I also enjoy interacting with people and like hearing/sharing stories, which I feel would be more prevalent in the Seward setting.  I have 8+ years experience working in a grocery store but what if I don't want to be there after a period of time.  How will my experience at the Seward get me ahead anywhere in life if I decide not to stay in the food/wellness industry?  Existential questions, really.

After asking Christine, Andrew and Laura for feedback I spent some time alone with myself.  I did my meditation in the afternoon before going to yoga today.  I went to Jan's Hot Vinyasa Yoga class at 4:45.  I arrived late.  When I came into the room the only spot remaining was by the door.  I was scrunched.  Usually when I am late I don't bother coming in but today was a day I felt like I needed to practice with others and I hoped my late entrance did not disturb others too greatly.  During Sun Salutation A's  Jan came over and whispered a question in my ear, "How are your Sun Salutation Bs?"  I stammered quietly, "they're okay" and she said "great, I will lead two and you will lead the third one. okay?"  So when it came time to lead I was absolutely terrified.  I wasn't going to run away but I felt like the order of the asanas left me;  I managed to cry out the beginning of the sequence, stumbled across the breath, movement and drishti of the flow... somehow managed to pull them all out of uttkatasana in the end and back to sama-sthiti.  I was a complete wreck.  Jan at the end encouraged me by saying the first time is always the worst; I think she must be right.  There were at least 40 people in the room.  I hope that by practicing on my own and with others more this week I will gain more confidence.

For my yoga meal I ate another bowl of soup from Pippa's Sunday batch; I feel like it has really stretched this week.  Of course it's only Tuesday, but we have like three or four more containers of it in the fridge.  I ate rather quickly; without distractions and without conversation. However, I feel like my appreciation for the meal was not there, I was too busy thinking about job offers and what I was going to do about it...  I chewed each bite thoroughly before swallowing but I didn't wait before scooping up the next spoonful/holding it there in front of me while I chewed.  I did not over eat and I remained seated the entire time but as soon as I was done I rushed off to wash my bowl and spoon so I could "get on to the next thing."

I am journaling now before I go to bed; I have an alarm set to go off at 9 p.m. when I need to go upstairs.  I need to wake up tomorrow at 4:45 a.m. to get ready for work/make sure I get there on time.  I heard there might be snow/freezing rain?

Gratitude:  Surprised and thankful for the generous offer from the Union; not quite sure what to do with that information but happy to have options for my life at this time.  I want to give the Seward a try so in a way it is really great that this has happened the way it did.  I was really hoping that all the debating would be over by now but I guess I will see how it goes tomorrow and then make a decision based on my gut feeling/comparing pay and benefits.  Happy to have Jan guide me today through a vinyasa class that was quite intense.  Glad she trusted me to lead a Sun B.  It helped me know what I need to work on.  I think my projection is fine (could always improve); my understanding of poses is also fine but need more I need to find more succinct phrasing to get people moving from one position to the next and not let myself get confused.  I need to eat, breathe and sleep yoga for a while.  Thankfully I have time to do that these next few months of practice.  I will try to incorporate more home practice too even though I prefer my group classes.