I have turned a corner! I don't know if I wrote about it yesterday but I totally crushed teaching a Sun Salutation to a class of 40+. I have had a smile on my face all day today and all day yesterday. Even our talk on morality didn't get me down (I really think it has to do with where I am now and my level of understanding the dissolution of the ego and freedom from suffering). While I get how others can get stuck on the realistic actuality of social-economic suffering (I've been there!) I believe that suffering, as was investigated by the Buddha, is of our own making. I have always thought this. I am not "Buddhist" per se, but I strongly resonate with the vibe of it. Anyhow, long story short, something has changed. It's this growing awareness that really can't be described, but it can be experienced.
I just finished reading The Art of Living: Vipanassa Meditation by S.N. Goenka. This book describes the process of learning how to meditate (not a how-to guide but rather a look at the sensations/thoughts we might encounter as we progress along the path).
We need to let go, stop trying to have control. We're so caught up in getting it right. I used to care so much about linguistics/saying things correctly so as to be balanced and politically correct -- it's not that I don't care anymore, it is just that the words being used are not as as important as the message being communicated.
To jot down my daily disciplines real quick:
I had a Jimmy John's sandwich for lunch, courtesy of my boss. They were having a board meeting and were kind enough to include me. I was able to take about 40 minutes for myself. I sat on my own and ate my sandwich. I focused on the texture of the bread, the tang of the vinaigrette, the fatty smoothness of the salami and the provolone. Yes, I am still eating meat and dairy products. No, I did not investigate where these came from. The tomato on my sandwich was icy cold, so I ate about half of it and removed the rest. I admit my meal was not distraction-free. I spent about 10 minutes reading a story in the newspaper about the death of Mr. Phillip Seymour Hoffman. I regret to hear about his passing and I couldn't help but feel sad but indifferent about it. I recognize the tragedy of it but am not distraught over the occurrence. In essence, I have remained in equanimity. Of course I did not know the man, but I greatly appreciated his acting and in a sense I mourn his passing. I will not obsess over it as I am sure the news will... It just harkens back to our discussion yesterday about cessation and impermanence.
Anyway, after my meal I walked several laps around the hall to stretch my legs, I also spent some time reading The Science of Breath by Yogi Ramacharaka while I walked. Got about 25 pages in. Learned some fascinating facts about our lungs and circulatory system. I feel like the writing itself is a little outdated (clearly, the use of Oriental and Occidental as terms = slightly jarring; but again, I accept it as a product of its time). The information itself was a little visceral (the lining of the lungs is comprised of... the heart itself pumps 35,000+ pints of blood a day...) but useful as nuggets to share I am sure.
Daily Practice: I attended Jennifer's Hot Vinyasa class at 5:45 tonight right after work. I had originally planned to go home, eat dinner and then attend the Slow Burn or Yin class later this evening, however as I drove I found myself heading to Highland Park, not wanting to stop for fear I would turn into my slothful self and surrender to an exhausted state. I did not sleep well last night, my bedroom was surprisingly warm with my radiators. Nothing to complain about but surprising that it kept me up. Anyhow, the class was packed. Her Sun Salutation was something like this: inhale up from forward fold, exhale side bend, inhale to center, exhale side bend, inhale up to center, back bend with hands to heard. inhale up to center, exhale fold forward. Inhale halfway lift, exhale hands to mat chaturanga dandasana. Inhale upward dog, exhale downward dog. Hang out here, exhale step forward, inhale half way lift, exhale bend closer to the knees. Inhale all the way up and start again. Sun B was a little different, from forward fold, utkatasana (chair) exhale fold, inhale lift, exhale plant hands step back, lower down, inhale lift, exhale back to downward dog. Inhale right foot up behind, exhale step through to warrior one. Exhale open out to warrior two, inhale reverse warrior, exhale hands back down to mat, vinyasa to downward dog. Inhale left leg, same process. Got very warm here. Good nose breathing. Sun C, definitely chunked but altogether: right leg up and back, step through knee to nose, exhale bring leg all the way forward between hands, plant left foot, inhale back into warrior one, exhale out into warrior two, inhale hands behind back, slight backbend to prepare, exhale humble warrior. Inhale knee straightens to reverse triangle. From here pivot to back foot, revolved triangle, exhale pyramid pose, inhale look up, exhale to standing splits. Inhale, grab right foot with both hands, exhale pull leg through to standing (padangusthasana) exhale to figure four, hands at hear center, left knee bent. A few berths, on exhale come down to mat and take crane pose (bakasana) or head stand if ready, then vinyasa to downward dog and begin on left side. The logs were crazy. Utkatasana with heels lifted, then pulsating to music was intense. Enjoyed the dancing we did for a little release ("Happy" by Pharrell Williams; p.s. did you know there's 24 hours of happy on his YouTube station??) Boat was normal(ish), the forearm plank and side planks were killer. Anyway, good class. I felt that she really pushed me and did not let up.
Daily Gratitude: So grateful that my body was resilient today. I am glad I made it to class. Happy for "Happy" :) Cannot express how grateful I am for everything that has happened to bring me to this moment. Off to meditate now before bed. Sleep well you all. Love.
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