"Highest Aim" paper

I have been grappling with the question “What is my highest aim? and “how does it relate to yoga?” for about a week now. I thought maybe something more profound would emerge if I waited to answer the question, but my immediate response has not changed. My highest aim has always been to be as self-aware as possible and serve others with intention.

While being self-aware sounds intrinsically simple, it is a continual challenge for me in conjunction with serving others. Being self-aware takes dedication, a willingness to face my fears and own my dreams. Serving others continually demands patience, empathy and the ability to put aside my thoughts and put my attention first and foremost on others' needs. Each of these practices are intertwined and keep the other in balance. To reiterate: I cannot possibly serve others if I am not aware of what my own wants and needs are and if my concern for others is rooted in wondering how their wellbeing serves me, that is not genuine caring. To be genuine in my interactions with others I must be able to differentiate between the chitta vritti in my mind and what others are saying to me – to fully witness and observe what they need from me means being fully present with them and not allowing my mind's chatter to get in the way.

The reason I care so much about being self-aware and serving others with intention is because that is why I believe I am here. I exist to learn more, to expand my understanding and be challenged by the philosophies and actions of others who are also developing on their own path. I see my development in particular as being related to yoga. Like Ashtanga Yoga itself, there is a practice and philosophy with which I live. I see myself as engaging with ethical and moral principles on a daily basis (philosophy aspect) which help me make decisions that launch me into interactions with others (active practice). It is my understanding that my interactions and experiences with others are in themselves gifts. To explain what I mean by living as a gift and how it relates to yoga, I will share a passage with which I felt a resonance from The World Peace Diet in which Tuttle says:

As we evolve spiritually and awaken our potential, we can be food for others every day, sharing our love and understanding, our time and energy, nourishing others and ourselves in the process. It is not just our personal love, energy, or time that we share, for like the apple, when we give of ourselves we are giving of the gifts we've received from our families, teachers, and friends, from the earth and her creatures, from the sun, moon, and stars, and from all our experiences. Ultimately, we are life itself giving to itself–feeding itself, exploring, satisfying, and rejuvenating itself. If we live well, we may feed many with the most nourishing food: the fruits of compassion and wisdom. In the end, more than needing food for the journey, and that our deepest need and joy is not merely to consume but to be nourishing food for others, and we are called to discover our own unique way of contributing (Tuttle 5-6).

Therefore, by being our individual self, living as authentically and wholeheartedly as possible, we can help others achieve a higher understanding and cultivate a richer more full life for all beings around us. Our lives are holy; our experiences should awe us with beauty and profound love. We should treat others with the respect and give reverence to our teachers.

On that note, every time I am in a yoga class and the session ends with the teacher thanking the students for sharing their practice, I get chills. The term Namaste means “the Divine in me bows to the Divine in you.” I appreciate this action each and every time it is performed because I recognize and experience our oneness, beyond time and ego. I believe that we are drawn together to share this life and act as teachers to one another. My desire to investigate the practice of yoga has become in essence the means with which I can support my highest aim: to become a better student and teacher by knowing myself more fully and serving others with intention.

Day 22: Oct. 13, 2013

It was more difficult getting up today;  right away my body rebelled and my brain told me I had make a huge mistake in declining the job offer for Mississippi Market.  I have not made a mistake, I made a choice and I will make other choices.  I will eventually land a job that will hopefully be more than a job.  The theme in my practice today was "be here now" and seriously engage with the understanding that this will not last forever, nothing does.  While I feel miserable now, this feeling will not remain.  Things will continue to change.  I know I am loved and supported.  I am challenged right now and it is up to me to show up every day and meet the day head on.  I am afraid I will run out of money but that is not going to happen.  The universe is generous and I have a lot going for me; my fears just want to take over and I have to remain in the driver's seat.

Jan led Astanga today at 11:00, Jason was elsewhere.  She called on a few of my classmates to lead Sun Salutation A sequences.  We went through Sun As, Bs, then the standing postures; the whole gamut.  I know I've done it before but perhaps I was just more alert today and I recognized exactly HOW MANY postures we were doing.  They all felt natural; some more challenging.  My feet keep slipping on the mat.  I especially had trouble in the standing/balancing postures.  My back hurt again after wheel/plough, which is strange because I feel really good IN those poses.  I asked Jan after class for feedback on that precise pain/spasm I have been having and she just suggested that my body might not be ready or that I should rest my feet on the floor before coming to lay down all the way on my mat.


Practice and Meditation today were strictly in class.  I might do one more meditation before bed but I will not record it here.  Today's meditation in class went fairly well.  I was not too antsy, nor was I uncomfortable but I did face the enemy of aversion/I wanted to get on to something else.  A few times I caught myself thinking "hurry up; let's do the mettā-meditation and then go eat lunch!"


I ate my yoga meal today with Joan and Sarah during our lunch break.  I had another piece of butternut squash (very similar lunch to last week's).  I decided to leave my leftover curry at home as a meal to enjoy after yoga (better heated anyway).  After the piece of squash I ate two small clusters of red grapes.  I waited a few minutes and then ate a Larabar.  I waited a few more minutes and then I decided I was satiated, so I did not end up eating my large apple.  I did not talk during my meal, I did not "pick up" the next bite until I was done chewing/swallowing the bite in my mouth.  All in all, a good practice.  I appreciated the company too; they shared their perspectives after I asked if I could share the challenges I felt I was facing that day.  They both agreed that it might be tough now but it will get better with time.  I know they are right;  I feel so young and silly sometimes/that I'm being overly dramatic.  However, I DID lose my job and I am hunting like crazy/trying to figure myself out.  Of course I'm stressed.  I need to keep doing my yoga and my meditation and things will surface and I will find my truth.


I am grateful to share my practice with all those in my class.  I am grateful for their feedback and critiques so I can improve my understanding and my method of teaching.  I appreciate being able to take breaks to drink water and use the bathroom.  I am glad that I had 10 minutes after my lunch today that I was able to take a stroll outside and enjoy the sunshine.  I need to get outside more these next few weeks while it's not too cold out!  I am thankful to Bryce and Philippa for helping me get my journal/essay printed off this morning before class.  I am now celebrating that I have the evening to myself, to sit down to dinner here soon and then afterward curl up with a book or two or three.  I have several I'm going between.  I want to finish up Brene Brown's book on The Gifts of Imperfection, work my way through Strengthsfinders 2.0 and start reading part one of Man's Search for Meaning.

Day 21: Oct. 12, 2013

Daily Yoga Meal Record:
10/12  9:30 p.m.  Ate a bowl of rice with vegetable curry.

Remained seated? Yes ✓  No.

Refrained from conversation while chewing?  Yes  ✓  No (if no, % of meal = __%)

Refrained from any external distractions?  Yes✓ No  

Waited until food was completely chewed and swallowed before picking up my next bite.  Yes  No✓   (if no, % of meal = 50%)

Refrained from putting more than two handfuls of food on my plate at any given time, finished eating my two handfuls, then waited 3-5 minutes before taking more food. Yes✓  No

Waited 2-6 hours before taking my next meal. Yes✓ No.

Comments: I was eating my dinner alone initially but then my housemates came home.  I was happy to see them but my attention ceased from my eating/I noticed myself pick up the next spoonful before I had finished the previous bite.  I did not talk while eating or distract myself with any media interaction but they were each playing YouTube videos on their phones, so that was audible to me.  I will be happy for the leftovers tomorrow (yay for brining a lunch to yoga)!

Daily Meditation:  10/12 Around 9:20 a.m. Since I slept in this morning I did my meditation practice before yoga in the living room. I sat in my bedroom for 20 minutes. It was a quiet morning (outside, in the house, in my mind). I did not wake up with too many thoughts so sitting still was easier than it has been other days this week. Still had a running list of things to do accost me but I told it to come back to me later. During mettā-meditation I drew upon my gratefulness for the bravery of Christine and Chelsea in the opening a health and wellness center. May it serve many people in that and other surrounding communities.

Daily Practice:  10/12  9:45 a.m. living room.  Did not wake up in time to make it to class today at 9:30 so I did my own Sun Salutations; 5 A and 5 B.  My arms felt quite fatigued during the practice.  Perhaps it is because it is colder this morning and I'm not already warmed up/in a warm room (our heat isn't turned on yet – not that it's that cold but 50º F is definitely less warm than 70º or 80º).  When I was doing the B sequence, at repetition four I observed that I had slipped in my concentration and was doing the A sequence so I started over (i.e. instead of bringing my right leg forward immediately from downward facing dog into warrior one position I had been hanging out/breathing in downward facing dog).  Since I could tell in the beginning that my arms/shoulders ached I stayed with 5 repetitions of each (I had been hoping to take it to 10 but did not want to push it) and took a savasana.  When I lay on my mat I noticed that my neck felt tight, even spasmed slightly; maybe I slept with my head tilted improperly on the pillow?  I breathed and stretched to relieve discomfort.  It was a short savasana, two or three minutes at most. All in all practice took about 20 minutes.


Daily Gratitude:  Thankful that Andrew wanted to share breakfast together; he took me out.  Before that I was able to carve a pumpkin with Bryce and Philippa (and Bryce's mother Cindy).  That was fun!  It was a chilly fall day but it was nice to enjoy some hot tea and cider.  I am grateful that I was able to take the time to meet up with Amy and teach her several sets of Sun Salutation A and B.  She had really helpful feedback and I felt more confident in my approach today! Yahoo! Amy commented on my style as having a nice cadence and that I gave good direction.  There were a few times that we both laughed because either I mis-spoke or she misunderstood me and we would start the sequence over again.  It was good that she tried to interpret my descriptions literally and manifested my instructions.  This is a good technique so I know how I am being heard/come across.  I look forward to learning anatomy so I can make more hands on adjustments; for now I am just keeping my eyes on her knees and arm/shoulder feet/hip placement.  I am glad that I had the time to sit down and write my paper today.  I have been putting it off because I wasn't sure how I was going to answer "my highest aim" question but it came tumbling out after I started typing.  I will include it on my blog here in a day or so so that you may see what that was about!  Finally, I am thankful that I had time together with others today.  I woke up a little lonely but today's interactions helped me remember that people are always there if you reach out or respond to invitations.

Day 20: Oct. 11, 2013

I went to the Grand Opening of Hazel and Moss today in Victoria, MN.  Hazel and Moss is a yoga studio/health and wellness center founded by my friend Chelsea Rice and her friend Christine Tschida.  Chelsea ties her passion for hatha yoga with personalized health coaching (her background is in nutrition and she has holistic approaches to preventative care that helps clients develop lifestyle changes and lasting results).  Christine focuses on developing health and well being with her clients through reiki sessions and diets centered on individuals' chakras.  It was great to see them in their space and learn about what they are looking to offer their guests.  It sounds like Chelsea's classes are capped at 6, so she asks for her clients to sign up in advance (there is a discounted rate for those who pre-register for $13/class; drops-in requests are $16 per class).  I am not sure what Christine's rate is for a reiki session but I had a complimentary mini session with her today and loved her calm approach.  I felt energy swirling around my solar plexus, but otherwise things were calm.  She said I felt "grounded" in my feet and that around my head was "light and airy" which is great!  She sensed a lot of warmth in my third chakra and I explained that I had been working on engaging my Uddiyana Bandha throughout my daily practice (more on bandhas).

Anyway, traffic was thick and it took a long time to get back to Saint Paul.  I was late to my tea date with Johanna, another former coworker of mine from Juut.  We spent time catching up;  I won't go into detail on that here.  After I met with her I went back home and saw Bryce and Philippa for the first time since Tuesday, we've all been on the go a lot.  They invited me to join them out for dinner, so I did.

When we came back I spent a few hours revising my LinkedIn profile and then I realized that I had not written my daily journal entry, so that brings us to now...


Daily Yoga Meal:
10/11  Dinner with Bryce and Philippa.  Ate together at Grand Central, a local restaurant focused on fresh salads, panini sandwiches and crepes.

Remained seated? Yes ✓  No.

Refrained from conversation while chewing?  Yes   No ✓ (if no, % of meal = 80%)

Refrained from any external distractions?  Yes✓ No  

Waited until food was completely chewed and swallowed before picking up my next bite.  Yes  No✓   (if no, % of meal = 0%)

Refrained from putting more than two handfuls of food on my plate at any given time, finished eating my two handfuls, then waited 3-5 minutes before taking more food. Yes✓  No

Waited 2-6 hours before taking my next meal. Yes✓ No.

Comments: I had three small portions of salads; one was a beet salad with green beans, one was a chicken curry salad with scallions and the other was a broccoli salad with onions, crasins and chia seeds.  I took my time eating but continually focused on putting more food on my fork.  I was not rushing from bite to bite but I was not setting down my fork during the interim of chewing.  There were two instances where I caught myself talking with a remnant of food in my mouth, which was disappointing.  I loved all the colors and flavors of this meal but it would have been better yet if I had taken the time to give it more reverence.



Daily Meditation:  This morning, 9:00 a.m.  Shortly after waking I went into the living room, the house was still quiet.  If others were awake, they weren't around.  I had woken up with feelings of nervous anxiety; I was not looking forward to calling Joel at the Mississippi Market and turning down the job offer.  I guess I was 1. disappointed that it wasn't the end of my job search and 2. afraid that if I said no to this offer that I would be without luck for another job offer (so not true and a negative perspective)!  I decided, going into my meditation, that it would be best if I could let these thoughts go since they did not serve me.  My breathing was not as focused or as deep as the night before but my anxiety subsided and I observed my thoughts become fewer and further between.  It is nice to be able to slow down and say to the thought, "I recognize you but I will not engage with you right now."



Daily Practice:  No instructor today; just me, myself and I.  I practiced 5 Sun Salutation As and 5 Bs after my meditation and then had a short savasana (maybe I should have done the meditation afterwards but today I think this method worked for me).  I was flowing in Sun A but in Sun B my body told me it did not want to rest in warrior 1 position; I think my hips are still tired from the "sunflower" poses from Wednesday's class with Jennifer.  I notice today that my knees are still bothering me.  I will have to research some counter poses and work to relieve the tension that I feel...


Daily Gratitude: I am thankful for a day that allowed me to grow.  I turned down a job offer but I allowed myself the opportunity to continue searching for something that is an even better fit/meets my needs.  I am thankful for Pauline who got in contact with me (she is from the recruiting agency that I visited with yesterday) and she set me up with an interview for a full time position in down town St. Paul for next Friday at 11:00 a.m.  This was a great encouragement and I feel like I can keep on keeping on!  I am thankful for getting time to catch up with Bryce and Pippa a little today.  I am also grateful that I received a phone call from a stranger today who had found Christine's lost phone.  She will be SO happy and surprised to get it back;  I am glad that it was found so she does not have to purchase a new one.  I am thankful now that I am done with my responsibilities for the day and can go to sleep.  I have many things to accomplish tomorrow including practice at Highland Park Lifetime Fitness, writing a paper and teaching Sun Salutations to Amy (and whomever else wants to join in)!

Day 19: Oct. 10, 2013

I was offered a part time position today with the Mississippi Market.  I said that I would think about it for a day and get back to him on Friday but I know I have to decline as the job is no more than 23 hours a week and I was being offered only $10/hour, which is lower than what I was making at Juut.

While I was extremely interested in working there full time, working part time there is not an option with that wage.  If I had another part time job perhaps I could make that work but I feel that it is too much for me to orchestrate right now, so it is now off the table and I move forward looking for what is next (a full time job that allows me to be available on Sundays).

This morning I went to a recruiting agency and took a battery of tests, mainly computer skills but other aptitudes were checked as well (spelling, grammar, basic mathematics).  The woman I spoke with there helped me understand that they would keep my resume on file for one year and contact me if there were any interested companies.

After that adventure I went out with my mom to lunch at a small Mexican restaurant in Inver Grove called El Loro.  I had enchiladas verdes and she had chicken fajitas.  It was very dark in there – we went with the hopes of sitting on the patio to celebrate the beautiful day but they said it was closed.

I came back to Andrew's after that and we went on a walk outside which was nice.  Now we're in the process of making meatloaf for dinner.  Let me recap my daily records.

Daily Yoga Meal:
10/10  Oatmeal with apples and flax seed.  Sat with Christine at 7:15 a.m. this morning.

Remained seated? Yes ✓  No.

Refrained from conversation while chewing?  Yes ✓  No  (if no, % of meal = __%)

Refrained from any external distractions?  Yes✓ No  

Waited until food was completely chewed and swallowed before picking up my next bite.  Yes✓  No   (if no, % of meal = __%)

Refrained from putting more than two handfuls of food on my plate at any given time, finished eating my two handfuls, then waited 3-5 minutes before taking more food. Yes✓  No

Waited 2-6 hours before taking my next meal. Yes✓ No.

Comments: I was very quiet during my meal, almost removed entirely from the social aspect of sitting together.  Christine was studying for an upcoming test, I just focused on my oatmeal.  I did enjoy the taste of cinnamon with the apples and the flax seed added a little extra crunch.  Sometimes I think flax is slippery and I don't always chew it but I made an attempt to be thorough.  Just had the one bowl and was satisfied; did not eat again until lunch (around 11:45 a.m.).


Daily Meditation:  10:00 p.m.  Sat in the dark in the living room.  The house was still.  My mind was busy with worries about declining the job offer; formulating what to say/how to come across as grateful for the offer.  Tried deep, loud ujjayi breathing and this helped me tune out the dialogue in my head.  Observed that it was possible to make resonant noises while inhaling as well as exhaling (I was formally used to hearing my breath the most loudly during the exhale).  This was interesting/held my attention.  Sometimes it sounded more like a snore than an ocean but I am okay with these descriptors.  I also notice the sound of my breathing is dependent on whether or not I have a stuffy nose; if I do it is much more shallow and I have to work harder to inhale.  Anyway, fixated on breathing I was able to become more quiet.  When it was time for mettā-meditation I focused on my gratitude;  being thankful for the positive energy surrounding me.  May it emanate from me and help those who are feeling stuck or depressed.  May all who feel lost or alone regain their sense of belonging, feel loved and remembered.


Daily Practice:  n/a   I spent the day relaxing, my muscles are feeling tight and would probably benefit from practice but I have this need to slow down, it has been a very busy week.  I plan on attending a class tomorrow morning at Highland and then again on Saturday.  My knees ache a little... perhaps it was from one of the asanas we did yesterday.  I don't know what it was called but I was seated on my mat, one leg was drawn back, the other forward, and then I was laying down on my back.  Perhaps I went too far; it did not feel that way at the time but maybe next time I will lower down on to my forearms and rest/breathe there.  It was either that activity or the "sunflower" action that Jennifer had us perform.  I will have to ask her or another instructor if they have any advice.

Daily Gratitude:  I am thankful that Joel got back to me today.  I am pleased to know that he would have hired me for the position if I had been available to work Sundays, however I know that the part time offer was not enough for meeting my needs and I will trust that something better suited will come my way.  I will not fear.  Thank you for the continuing support from Mom, Andrew and Christine.  I am thankful for my network of friends online as well supporting me on my LinkedIn profile and on Facebook.  I am also extraordinarily thankful that I have a functioning computer on which I can type and job search.  A year ago this would not have been possible, so a big thank you goes out to Matt who helped me get a generous discount on my computer.  It is a good device and will last me a long time (the previous laptop lasted 8 years without malfunction)!  I must remember to write a thank you card to Joel and Nathan for their consideration and offer as well as a card to Pauline and Molly from Valley Staffing, Inc. who helped me in my testing today.  I will keep making connections and recognize the beauty of establishing new contacts.

Day 18: Oct. 9, 2013

Today I woke up early to help Andrew make it to a meeting on time, but then I went back to sleep and slept in until 10:00 a.m.  My body sure needed rest!  I definitely feel more rejuvenated today, so that is a plus.  I took a shower and got ready for my 2:30 interview at the Mississippi Market.  It was a positive experience.  I was going to meditate in the morning but then I found myself too busy before the interview writing down questions and figuring out how I would answer the "why did you leave Juut" question.  I called my Mom; she was very helpful in conveying her perspective.  Turns out I didn't even need to go there in the interview today.  Nathan and Joel just wanted to talk about my interest in the co-op and my grocery experience/how I handle stress and conflict.  They were very approachable and I felt like I was able to vocalize things with confidence and warmth.  Joel said he wanted to have a decision made by tomorrow, so I will learn quickly whether or not they think I am a fit.  The other day in savasana the thought/worry came to me how I wasn't sure if I wanted to work full time or go back into the grocery business but today all my worries dissipated.  They were easy to talk to and I liked the environment.  I recalled how good I was at working in that setting and how much I enjoyed my time at Byerly's.  I think that working at a co-op will be more rewarding as I can connect in more of a community fashion with the guests and feel like I am a part of a team with a vision.  However, if they don't hire me I am not going to sweat it.  I am feeling forward momentum and I am not afraid of being unemployed for long.


Daily Yoga Meal:

10/9  Dinner: 8:00 p.m.  Pan cooked tilapia with brown rice and fresh spinach.

Remained seated? Yes ✓  No.

Refrained from conversation while chewing?  Yes ✓  No  (if no, % of meal = __%)

Refrained from any external distractions?  Yes  ✓ No  

Waited until food was completely chewed and swallowed before picking up my next bite.  Yes✓  No   (if no, % of meal = __%)

Refrained from putting more than two handfuls of food on my plate at any given time, finished eating my two handfuls, then waited 3-5 minutes before taking more food. Yes✓  No

Waited 2-6 hours before taking my next meal. Yes✓ No.

Comments:  I had a decent amount of food on my plate.  I did not need more after waiting 3-5 minutes.  Each bite was lovely.  Andrew had made a nice sauce to put with the fish which I never would have thought of; it had dill, golden raisins and onions in it.  The spinach was a great addition as it was fresh ad we steamed it just long enough so that it wilted.  We were fairly quiet throughout our meal; any conversation that was had was between bites and neither of us were shoveling food into our faces.


Daily Meditation:  I was going to meditate in the morning but instead today it happened in the afternoon.  I arrived at the Mississippi Market 30 minutes early, so I sat outside on a park bench and closed my eyes.  I felt indulgent with the sun on my back and a breeze blowing through my hair.  It was above 75 degrees today, a very lovely fall day.  I felt like I was soaking up information from all of my senses and it was my job to shut it out/not let it distract me.  I felt the warm air as I exhaled through my nostrils and observed how it felt cooler on the inhalation.  I thought it would be good since I had the extra time to do my meditation here because it would give me something "to do" while I waited/reduce the anxiety I was feeling/clear my mind.  It kind of helped; I was still anxious underneath it all.  Maybe I wasn't anxious, perhaps I was just excited.  In any case my brain wanted to run over prepared responses in my head and I did my best to ignore these queries.  I stopped my meditation process with about two minutes before the allotted minutes were up since I realized that I needed to go to the bathroom... excuses= lame :(  but I felt relieved and less anxious going in to my interview after sitting in a relaxed posture outside.


Daily Practice:  After my interview I spent an hour sitting outside a local coffee shop and then stopping in a Barnes and Noble where I picked up a copy of the Strengthsfinders book, which has been recommended to me on several occasions.  I thought, if I don't get the job at the co-op (and even if I do) it will be good to know in a marketable sense which strengths I possess. After these outings I went to the 4:30 p.m. Slow Burn class in Highland with Jennifer.

I felt like the pace was quick; it was very much move at your own speed and challenge yourself.  There were a lot of sunflowers, which made me very aware of my quadriceps. We did Sun Salutation A and B with some side poses as well stretching our shoulders and alternating between facing the front and the back of the room.  The Slow Burn class does emphasize keeping one's eyes closed, which can be frustrating when you're not sure which direction you should be facing but I guess if you keep your eyes closed it doesn't matter/you don't know you're facing the "wrong" direction. This of course presupposes that there is a right and a wrong way to stand; this I know isn't true but it's how I felt today whenever I shot a glance.  Also:  my mat has felt slippery lately; I guess I'm not used to sweating so much.  It's a good problem to be having but what should I do? I know some people put a towel or some fancy liner down on their mat; does this get in the way or is it really helpful so one doesn't lose grip?  I will have to investigate.


Daily Gratitude: I am happy that I was able to feel so confident during my interview today.  I also had 30+ people affirm me on my Facebook update (I don't often share personal updates on Facebook but today's positive interview felt like something I needed to share) and their affirmation just made me more positive about my experience and the direction my life is going.  My happiness does not depend on getting this job but I sure do recognize the validation and fabulousness I feel from being genuine and sharing my interests with others and hearing about what makes them tick.  Thank you for letting me share time with Nathan and Joel and get to know a little more about the environment of the West 7th MM location.  I am happy that Andrew's kitty, Zasz, was so friendly today. She approached me twice for petting and sat down on my lap and purred.  It was nice to share that time with her.  I am also grateful for the time I was able to spend on the phone with my Mother this afternoon and that I was able to share dinner with Andrew.  It is nice when I get to see him on his days off (which are in the middle of the week).  I feel well accomplished today and I am so glad to be where I am right now with the mental state that I have of wellbeing, resounding joy and feelings of stability despite the change around me.  I am thriving. This is awesome.

Day 17: Oct. 8, 2013

Wow, today was a busy day too!  Last night I got to spend some time with Andrew, he came over after he was cut (around 11:30 p.m.) – I was still awake and putting the finishing touches on yesterday's journal entry.  It was nice to catch up, I hadn't really seen him since last Thursday.  We each got to share quite a bit of information; some changes are happening at his work place too (he's a server downtown at a restaurant) – new management but ultimately this means good things, higher work standards and incentives.  While we were sitting together I also noticed that I had a sliver or something embedded in my left foot and attempted to remove it but without success (I had stepped on something sharp in the yard about a month ago when I was walking barefoot, I now think a small piece of glass is working its way out).


Anyway, recap of today:

Daily Yoga Meal:

10/8  Dinner: 7:45 p.m.  Ate an entire box of Annie's macaroni and cheese.  Yes.  Mac and Cheese.  An entire box.  On my own.  I was hungry.

Remained seated? Yes ✓  No.

Refrained from conversation while chewing?  Yes ✓  No  (if no, % of meal = __%)

Refrained from any external distractions?  Yes  No  ✓ 

Waited until food was completely chewed and swallowed before picking up my next bite.  Yes✓  No   (if no, % of meal = __%)

Refrained from putting more than two handfuls of food on my plate at any given time, finished eating my two handfuls, then waited 3-5 minutes before taking more food. Yes  No✓

Waited 2-6 hours before taking my next meal. Yes✓ No.

Comments:  Yeah, I ate an entire box of mac and cheese.  On my own... This is not a vegan choice AND it was more than two fistfuls, I am sure (I just put all of it into a bowl).  I also did not succeed in abstaining from distractions (listened to music as I ate).  Breakfast would have been a better meal to document but I thought I would try for it again this evening and it didn't work out.  The reason I am documenting this downfall is so that I might encourage myself to do better.  I've been good at getting one yoga meal a day usually, guess I'm just not at the two yoga meals mark yet.  Maybe I can aim to be there by the end of the month.

Daily Meditation:
Did a morning meditation today which was really refreshing.  Took some time before I went to yoga practice.  It was quiet in the house which was helpful (it's difficult for me to meditate/remove myself when there are other people around/audible stimuli).  Mind was really peaceful and still. Not much agitation or desire to be elsewhere/doing other things.  I did have a moment where I was afraid I had fallen asleep, my body had slouched a little bit so I had to realign myself to sit up more straight.  Wondering if anyone has tips for how to not get one or both legs to fall asleep.  I am not doing lotus position, they're just simply crossed out in front of me.  I was wondering how it would be to try chair/seated meditation with my legs straight out in front of me at a 90 degree angle. I will have to get feedback on methodologies/which is best for what I am trying to accomplish in correspondence to Astanga practice.



Daily Practice:
10/8:  Attended TWO classes today!  9:30 a.m. Slow Burn with Jan and 5:45 p.m. Hot Vinyasa also with Jan.  Both formats were new to me today.  Slow Burn accentuated moving at one's one pace (that is always KEY in yoga but today I felt it here), breathing deeply and moving slowly (hence slow burn).  In Hot Vinyasa... man there were almost 30 bodies in the room and the heat was up!  Sweat was rolling off my arms and knees and back.  We moved at a quick pace, of course in step with our own breathing but that class was a work out.

We did Sun Salutation A and B in each class but in Hot Vinyasa it was more difficult for me.  The direction of the room was different, started facing back instead of front, which was fine but I think it threw me off a little bit.  Perhaps I was also fatigued from the earlier practice? I also just came to the awareness that I have not eaten a lot today so that could have been a part of my performance as well.  My arms got quite wobbly while holding high plank near the end of class tonight.  I took a break and went into child's pose to regain strength and was called upon by Jan to get back up and to keep breathing.  I was at my edge, that is for sure.  It helped when she gave reasons for all of us to be strong; I still ached but I tried harder to stay in position after that point. 3 more breaths... and down.  Those upward facing dogs were tricky today.  Jan helped me in the morning to discover how my body COULD be in the position–a wonderful reality I had not yet experienced, my shoulders really UP and BACK; my whole self off the floor almost soaring.  I tried to emulate that upwardness in my class this evening and I think it worked for the most part, I felt higher off the floor and opened up, but I certainly was not flying like earlier.  I hope to get there some day!


Daily Gratitude:  Thank you Jan for showing me what I can accomplish in class when I am pushed to my edge.  I don't like being pushed there but I know it is good for me.  Like you said, the real struggle is not here (in the pose) but out in our daily lives, we need to stick it out, push on; get stronger.  I am thankful that I had time to share a breakfast with Andrew after Slow Burn.  I was able to witness him being a good brother to his sister (she had called with some upsetting news) and he was able to talk her down; he has such a calm demeanor and does not engage with drama.  He keeps logic and reason at the forefront and is a good foil for me.  I also am glad that met a neighbor today, Tom, who informed me that he would prefer if I did not park in front of his house; this was not upsetting and I am glad he told me his preference because I would not like to continually upset him (he lives on the opposite corner and evidently has three cars; he wanted to mention it because he likes to keep all of them there and because in the past he has had the misfortune of having people leave there cars there for weeks on end).  I am so pleased that I met a very happy bunch of dogs today;  I went with Andrew to the barber after breakfast and there were two there, just happy as punch, bringing me all their toys and telling me how happy they each were with opened mouth smiles and wagging of tails.  I miss not being around dogs.  I should visit my mother more often and check in on our family dog Sophie.  All in all this was a great day filled with wonderful interactions.  I still have work to prepare for my interview tomorrow–figure out what I am going to wear and how I will answer unexpected questions...  I will have to remind myself of things I am grateful for then so I can answer questions from my heart since that is a place of understanding and peace.