Day 71: Dec. 2, 2013

It snowed today.  After work I decided to stay home and do my yoga practice alone.  I set up a fire in the fireplace and practiced in the living room when my housemates were out to dinner.  I only did my Sun Salutations today but that was enough for me.  I don't know why Mondays are so difficult but I feel exhausted inevitably every Monday evening.  Had I headed straight to Lifetime from work I would have had to wait two hours for class... so going home and staying there seems more my speed (especially on a night when traffic is a standstill in response to the first snow of the season). Blah blah, no one needs to read this stuff.  "Excuses just satisfy the ones who make them" said Mr. Lofboom, my 7th grade English composition teacher.

It was interesting not practicing with my mat (it was in the trunk of my car and I did not care to go outside to fetch it once I changed into my yoga attire).  I practiced barefoot on the rug and found it was very difficult to maintain my balance/grip.  It's amazing how much work our feet do to keep us grounded all the time.  I felt some tightness in my hamstrings and quadriceps today.  I almost glided into my up dogs, so that was kind of cool.  The sequences did heat up my core quickly today.  Perhaps it was because I was working so hard to get my feet to keep my grounded but I felt like my mala and uddiayana bandhas were fully engaged and roaring with heat.

During my meditation I had the thought come to me that I shouldn't avoid doing what I'm interested despite my hesitation regarding finances.  I am interested in studying massage and Reiki; what is stopping me?  Me.  As Cloud Cult says "You're the Only Thing in Your Way."  I'm not sure if I want to practice ONE of these things more than another but I think they would all work well, holistically together.  I am also still drawn towards arts education (but haven't decided exactly what that means yet).  I had to work hard to keep my focus on my breath because I was so excited by my discovery (that I am the one blocking myself, no one else).  I am so much more powerful and capable than I give myself credit for.  This is my one life, I want to be sure I use it fully to educate and love others.  I want to promote healing and understanding.  I want to share peace and calm, offer serenity, joy and connection.

For my yoga meal I will write about my breakfast.  I did not sit down, I ate standing in the kitchen next to Pippa this morning at 6:15 a.m.  I ate a fried egg with mushrooms and a sliced up onion and the remaining half of a leftover sweet potato.  I think this meal was beneficial for my good start today.  I did not get hungry until about 10:30 a.m. which is later than usual, I'm typically craving sustenance around 9:00.  It was good eating next to her, hearing about her night and generally just sharing the moment.  We were rushed but I did not talk with food in my mouth and I ate each bite fully before starting the next.  Having something different helped me savor the pleasant and varied flavors present in my dish.  I highly recommend improvising breakfast to anyone who is reading this; cereal can be great but it can be so blah that there isn't much to think about or appreciate.  Eating a warm non-traditional meal helped me remember to take notice of the food I was preparing/eating.  It wasn't my plan to have a sweet potato with breakfast but I think I will make it a more regular thing (at least during this season of the year)!  Talk about breakfast with a punch (of vitamins).

I am grateful for a warm fire, a comfy couch to sit on; a safe drive home.  I am grateful that my Mom was able to get help from AAA to get access to her car (she locked her keys, phone and purse inside). Thank goodness she wasn't locked out of work – I cannot imagine her having to find her way in the dark on the icy sidewalk shuffling her way to a pay phone (do those still exist? I know there is a gas station about a mile from her work).  I am grateful that my friend Brigit survived a fire that occurred last Friday in her apartment building in Chicago.  May she be able to have her own space once again before too long and may her neighbors, who were less fortunate and lost a dog and most of their belongings, may this event show them the generous and loving nature of those surrounding them/may they not be in want of any necessity.

I am grateful for my overwhelming desire to contribute or give back to people; my desire to share extends beyond those I know personally to friends of the family (and strangers).  I am SO happy to hear the Chris, a woman that attends the Sunday yoga class, found a job at the UMN/Fairview clinic. She was unemployed right around the time I was offered the job at the Union, so I am happy we were able to reconnect and that she has had success – she is working right where she wanted to be!  I am happy to know that Connie's cat Hendrix pulled through, his vet said he wasn't doing well on Thanksgiving but he managed to survive the holiday and has come back strong.

I am thankful for the Christmas tree in our living room.  I grew up with plastic trees and this one is triumphant in its stance.  These pictures are just close ups of their ornaments but again, majestic :) It's great to have the smell of evergreen in the house, it's new to me and I keep wondering where it is coming from, then I remember – the tree!  I don't know if I would ever choose to buy a tree or have one cut down for my living room in the future (so much to take care of) but I will enjoy this one.

Day 70: Dec. 1, 2013

Today was the first Sunday of Advent.  I did not go to church (I haven't for quite some time) but I thought of my Mom and Dad and remembered this day.  I wondered what the liturgy was, so I looked it up.  All the readings from the ELCA website were about being ready, anticipation of the coming of Christ.  I guess this makes sense in preparation for Christmas.  I'm just used to the idea that the readings are more reflective of the anticipation of the birth of Jesus than the ministry of Jesus.
[The lectionary for Year A.  Subsequent information on Year A, B, C and how they differ.]

In YOGA news:
I woke up around 8:30 a.m.  Had a bowl of oatmeal.  Got ready and then went to 11:15 Ashtanga yoga, led this week by Jan.  There were several moments where we laughed as a group.  A first:  I loved the inclusion of Amos Lee's Keep it Loose, Keep it Tight  song during savasana.

Usually I'm disturbed by music but since I was not trying to quiet my mind at this time I just found myself smiling in response to the music and lyrics of this song.  I had one tear (usually when I cry, I'm a bawling wreck).  While it was not a huge sob fest - I did feel a gentle happy release.  I remembered when I first heard this song, back at Saint Olaf.  It touched me then but it touches me differently now, having a better understanding of adult life (paying rent, appreciating greatness in the man I choose to be in a relationship with; recognizing what beauty is and where it's found - in everyone around me).

Amos' lyrics to Keep it Loose, Keep it Tight:

Well I walked over the bridge


Into the city where I live,


and I saw my old landlord.


Well we both said hello,


There was no where else to go,


'cuz his rent I couldn't afford.



Well relationships change,


Oh I think it's kinda strange,


How money makes a man grow.


Some people they claim,


If you get enough fame,


You live over the rainbow.


Over the rainbow...



But the people on the street,


Out on buses or on feet,


We all got the same blood flow.


Oh, in society,
every dollar got a deed,


We all need a place so we can go,


and feel over the rainbow.



But sometimes,


We forget what we got,


Who we are.
 

Oh who are are not.


I think we gotta chance,


To make it right.


Keep it loose,


Keep it tight.


Keep it tight.



I'm in love with a girl,


Who's in love with the world,


Though I can't help but follow.


Though I know some day,


She is bound to go away,


And stay over the rainbow.


Gotta learn how to let her go.


Over the rainbow.


Sometimes we forget who we got,


Who they are.


Oh, who they are not.


There is so much more in love,


Than black and white.


Keep it loose child,


Gotta keep it tight.


Keep it loose child,


Keep it tight.

**I highlighted some of the words that stuck out to me today.

Following class we had a 30 minute meditation, I was asked to lead mettā-meditation which caught me by surprise.  It was a pleasant experience, much like leading a family prayer.  One woman even took the opportunity to ask for loving thoughts for her friend who was going through cancer.  I did not quite know how to wrap things up but Jan gracefully took over and we ended with our typical saying "may all beings feel peace, may all beings share love and compassion."  She did not share any feedback afterwards so apparently my freeform  method worked out.  So that was funny.  I was ready to lead a Sun Salutation A or B sequence but did not anticipate being called on for mettā-meditation.  Good surprise to have I guess.  After class I spoke with Aviel. He wasn't feeling too well, so we post-poned our practice teaching session which actually was a relief.  I was happy to have the day free to go grocery shopping, enjoy a walk and catch up on some more reading.

Yoga Meal:  After I went grocery shopping I came home and cut open a grapefruit.  I ate both halves of it without any added sugar, just as it was.  I made sure to enjoy the juice left from the remaining pulp inside the rind, which I squeezed into my bowl.  After waiting several minutes I found that I was still hungry so I prepare a bowl of almond granola with whole fat yogurt.  This was very satisfying.  I remained seated throughout my meal (aside from getting up to prepare the bowl of granola).  I had no interruptions/did not speak to anyone while I was eating.  I was not rushed and was able to take the time to consider each bite.  I savored the richness present in each of the items I chose for my meal.  Overall, a success!

Gratitude:  Thankful for this long weekend, 4 days.  Time with loved ones.  Time alone.  Enjoyed a fireplace, a few walks, several cups of tea.  Met my goal of drinking eight glasses of water three days in a row now.  Met my sleep goal each night over this break as well (despite being kept up late with a house party next door last night and a house party here on Wednesday).  Hoping I can bring the energy and wellness with me into this week.  Heading to bed now so I can wake up refreshed and ready to give tomorrow/next week my all.  Peace be to all.  Happiness be with all.  May there be less suffering and more understanding in our world.  Goodnight.

Days 67, 68, 69: Nov. 28, 29, 30, 2013

Thanksgiving

I'm thankful for: having a job and getting the day off (PLUS FRIDAY)!  I am thankful for getting to spend the holiday with Andrew and Mom.  It was nice not having to travel anywhere.  I did not have to do any of the food preparation this year so there was absolutely no stress there.

I started my Thanksgiving holiday with a 10:00 practice led by Jan.  It was fantastic.  I cried during pigeon pose.  Right before that I had an interesting experience.  We were transitioning from vinyasa flow to yin postures when I almost blacked out.  We were sitting on our knees and doing backbends to open our hearts.  When I leaned back I found I couldn't see or hear.  I sank into child's pose and found that I had lost my ujjayi breath and was breathing out of my mouth.  I came back into the pose when I found I could hear again but felt very winded and unsteady.  I am not sure where that came from and was meaning to ask Jan after class but when it came down to saying thank you/goodbye after class I didn't remember.  It is only upon reflection that I remember how at odds with myself I was.  Jan was talking about overcoming one's edge and I wasn't sure that was what I was up against.  I think I was facing low blood pressure or something like that...

Beautiful clear sky, sunlight.

We ate a spiral cut ham with blackberries, pineapple, kiwi, green beans, cauliflower, brussel sprouts and french rolls.  For dessert we had apple cake, which is essentially baked apple slices with graham cracker crumble layers topped with (soy) whipped cream.

Andrew taught me how to play Farkle.  It was fun to play once I understood what was going on.  I even won two rounds, he one once.

For seasonal entertainment we watched one of my favorite "classic" movies, Holiday Inn.  My Mom enjoyed seeing it again and Andrew did not seem to mind it too much.  I think the reason I like the movie so much is that it kind of serves like a time capsule and I am intrigued each time I see/hear it.

After the movie we sat around the table for a few hours and shared conversation.  When it was about 10:00 p.m.  I sat in the living room and let our dog Sophie sit / sleep on my lap, which was nice.  I listened to Andrew tell his story to my Mom.  I can never seem to hear his story enough (not that I beg to hear it, but it helps me understand why he is the way he is and appreciate his choices and the person he has become).  It was after midnight when we left.  We went back to Andrew's place to make sure his cat had been fed and then we went to sleep.


Yesterday/Friday:  A day off of work.  Was wonderful to sleep in (but because I did so I missed morning classes at Lifetime).  It was my intention to go to an evening class but when the time came I felt resistance.  I was torn between going to practice or spending time with a friend in need.  I felt selfish because I did not initially want to give up my alone time but decided I should since she had asked me so directly to spend time with her.  I did find joy in spending time with her because it was something she needed.  We shared a meal together and then I watched her do some crafting.  I read a little from Dr. Dean Ornish's Program for Reversing Heart Disease then Andrew came home. I went to sleep pretty soon thereafter and he stayed awake playing a video game.



Today:
Slept in until just after 9 a.m.  Had breakfast with Andrew, talked with his sister a little bit.  It was my plan to go to the Hot Vinyasa class at 9:30 but I didn't make it out the door in time; I wasn't interested in the morning Yin practice so I stayed with them for a while.  We watched two episodes of South Park.  Andrew had an opening shift today so left early.  I took a shower.  I was about to head back to my place but then Laura asked if I wanted to hang out more, so I stayed.  We went on a walk.  Now we're enjoying some tea together, listening to choral music.

Just had two bowls of soup that Laura made:  sweet potato, onion with ginger and garlic.  We each had half of a bagel with some avocado and siracha, topped with lox and half of a hard-boiled egg.  Very colorful meal and tasty.  Was happy to take my time to eat with her.  She asked me about my yoga journey and wanted to know more about my faith/if I was interested in going to church with her sometime.  I haven't been an active church-goer Christian for many years but I said I would consider going with her on Sundays once my yoga teacher training is complete.

I have yet to meditate today or do a physical practice, but I have learned that Laura is interested in having me teach her yoga at some point, so I have another willing student.  Happy I can spend tonight catching up on journaling and then do some more reading from the reversing heart disease book.  I will get myself to do 5 As and 5 Bs and meditation before I settle down for bed.

Day 63: Nov. 23, 2013

Been enjoying my Jawbone UP 24.  Have been waiting a week for it (after months of debate, was trying to decide between the Fitbit and Jawbone while I was working at Juut but never rushed into buying it).  I ordered it online last week as a way to celebrate my first pay check and to keep myself motivated/moving.  Wore it while I slept last night and have worn it throughout the day today.  Been fun to track my activities and understand my sleep patterns a bit better.

Today I got out of bed just after 8:00 a.m.  The sun was shining brightly.  About 10º F outside.  Ate an apple with Nutella for breakfast.  Cleaned out my purse.  Got rid of several things (I tend to hang on to receipts for a while).  Made lunch.  Ate a fried egg with a white onion and green pepper with a glass of orange juice.  Met up with Ceri, Jesse, Jen and Patrick to see Catching Fire.  Pippa was going to come along but became absorbed in her writing so she decided to stay back.  The movie was fantastic.  As an adaptation I was not disappointed.  It left me feeling the way I did when I finished the book, completely exhausted but compelled to see it through/learn what happens next in Mockingjay.

The theater we went to was in my old neighborhood.  There have been several "improvements" made to the interior, the most notable was the seating.  All the seats are plush leather lounge chairs that recline as desired (electronically).  What a change.  Made it more comfortable sitting up near the front of the house (never would have been my choice to sit in the second row but that's where the group gravitated).  With the break in between chairs I was able to slip out more easily than having to disturb an entire row, so that was a perk too of the new arrangement.

**I was interrupted during the writing of this entry so I am coming back to it a week later.  I don't remember what I did for my yoga practice or meditation for that day.  The last few weeks have gone primarily undocumented.  Trying to catch up now (Nov. 30, 2013).

Day 62: Nov. 22, 2013

So grateful for an opportunity to meet awesome women last night through my friend Wynnie.  We convened for the purpose of listening to each other and celebrating having a voice/story to tell.  Using the Trust Your Vibes card set by Sonia Choquette we took turns speaking.  It was very much like a Zelig circle where the first person talks for three minutes about anything they want to, all others listen.  Then the others speak one at a time for one minute saying what they observed the other person saying, not offering criticism, just feedback on when they saw the speaker "light up" and then the original speaker gets another opportunity to reiterate what they learned from hearing the feedback.  This very much reminded me of the ZEGG Forum I was able to participate in at Song of the Morning two summers in a row (2010 and 2011) during teens and twenties week.  Last night I drew a card from the Trust Your Vibes deck that was completely perfect for what I need/where I am in my life right now and I just had to share that.  It was "Clear Your Path."  There was an image of a person who was holding a lamp or a staff that was connected to the sun.  I saw a dove on the left and a heart with wings.  A chain was broken and an unlocked lock across the center and above the person.  In the lower right there was an image of a guardian.  It spoke to me immediately as not dwelling on the past and having learned to live in the present moment and being grateful for all of my experiences/not holding on to resentment.

Wynnie's was "Body Talk" 

Ellie's was "Tell Your Story"

Kim's was "Play"

Connie's was "Solutions"

I loved hearing these other women share their insight and stories.  I was especially struck by Connie's discussion of discovering that we all have a "sacred wound" that occurred to us at an early age and effects the way we interact with others/can help explain our emotional responses to certain situations. I know mine.  I don't know the exact age I was but it was a particular thing one of my parents said to me that greatly explains where my anxiety and sadness comes from.  I feel like it isn't something I should write about on here, not yet at least.  Trying to decide if it is something I should share with this other person or if by simply knowing/recognizing the hurt and honoring my sacred wound I can come to respond with more love and understanding.

Today's yoga class with Jan was beautiful.  4:30 Slow Burn.  She was subbing for Jill who had a family emergency.  Jan set up candles and provided aromatherapy which was a great way to slow down and appreciate a Friday afternoon.  I really got into my body and was able to keep my eyes closed throughout the duration of the class.  I was not really aware of who was around me although I could feel the energy in the room and was aware of breathing around me.  I appreciated this flow and feel like it nourished my soul.  Jan has a way with words where she always says something applicable.  May I also have the power to stir people's souls and give inspiration.

It was Jen's birthday today.  I celebrated with her, Patrick, Ceri, Jesse, Accala, Betsy, John, Phoebe and Nick(?) who were all the way at the other end of the table.  It was a fun meal out.  Italian cuisine. I had to turn down wine.  Twice.

Work has been good.  Stressful at times, specifically when learning more of the back story of how things were before Tina and I started there.  I'm still processing what I have heard.  Trying to interpret  what it means for me and my safety.  I should be fine but apparently Sam and Al have been threatened by disgruntled members.

As for my blog, I am not going to try and backtrack at this point but if I make references to missing dates I will be fine with that.  I needed more time for myself these past two weeks and perhaps my daily blogging as an expectation worked fine when I had a more flexible schedule but right now I'm busy M-F 5 a.m. to 8:30 p.m. and then I'm too exhausted to write.  I know it is a daily discipline but I might not take it as seriously as needing to mediate, study or do physical practice.  Now it is after 10:00 Friday evening and I need to go to sleep.  I felt a little headachy and stuffy at work today, hoping to ward off any pending sickness.  Goodnight.

"Defining My Edge"

How do you define the edge in your life (what does it mean)? How do you find your edge in yoga and in your life?

I find it extraordinarily humorous to encounter this essay topic, particularly at this time in my life. Perhaps it is just “that time” in the program and my experience is par for the course but I am finding that I have met my edge with this class – I want nothing more than to run from my practice! I am continuously tempted to drown out my dedication to the promises I have made to myself and others by doing other things with my time. I draw great comfort from the axiom “I am where I am supposed to be” and I am grateful to know that others in my class are experiencing this challenge as well... it is with this comfort that I share how I have found and define the concept of edge in my life.

Sometimes I feel like my life is segmented: life on and off the mat. However, my increasing awareness has led me to believe that we are always practicing yoga. As Joel Kramer so eloquently states in Yoga as Self-Transformation, “at its core, yoga is a process that involves confronting your limits and transcending them. It is a psychophysical approach to life and to self-understanding that can be creatively adapted to the needs of the times” (Kramer, 165). What new students may not realize is that practicing yoga does not end when you leave the classroom. We all continue to face edges on our own, whether knowingly or not in the world beyond our mat. When we can come to this understanding we can learn how to embrace change and evolve into loving, trusting beings.

At this time it is far easier for me to recognize my edge when I am on the mat. Sometimes it comes as a distinct sharpness. Other times my edge establishes itself as the creeping doubt of exhaustion. Thoughts emerge such as, “I can't do this” or “I'm so tired/sore/thirsty/off balance.” These are excuses. Just thoughts. Being brought to my edge gives me an opportunity to learn. These messages signify what I need to do and help me understand all that I need to change. My body reminds me through these messages to eat more regularly and nutritiously, to drink more water and to sleep more consistently.

But how did I initially find my edge? What did it signify and how has it changed me? I knowingly met and experienced my edge for the first time during a Life Power class shortly after I started yoga teacher training. The studio was dimly lit, I was among thirty or forty other practitioners and my mat was in the back row. During one of our flow sequences the instructor called out for us to hold plank and continue to breathe; I had not anticipated this. My arms shook and were tired from the previous day's practice (the cumulative amount of chaturanga dandasanas was new to me). It was at this point I decided to go into child's pose to regain composure. A previous teacher had suggested child’s pose as a good place to go for rest between postures. I had just lowered down to my mat and was immediately called out for it – “Claire! We're in plank; come back. Stay with us!”

I went from feeling shame to owning my discomfort for what it was – not pain, simply discomfort. As we held the posture and continued to breathe, the teacher proclaimed that we can all benefit from recognizing our edge; understanding the difference between pain and discomfort. “What we face on our mat is little to what we may face in our lives. Outside this room, outside this time, you may come in contact with something that demands more from you. By knowing your edge, you can persevere...” This poignant lesson has made me more willing to meet challenges on my mat with courage and dedication, for I know with certainty that challenges such as holding or deepening poses are minuscule in comparison to the challenges of life off the mat.

Although my awareness has grown more acute with daily practice, it remains more difficult for me to identify the edges in my daily living (off of the mat). However, I now understand why I have a tendency to act one way or another. I recognize that my avoidance or reluctance towards an activity signifies the presence of an edge.

The edge I most feel is my resistance to change. This corresponds directly with my ego's desire for control. I have always known that I don't like change. I have always done everything in my power to avoid it. Change has meant that I must let go of ways and things I know and understand. Change means I must make room for something new that I may or may not enjoy wholeheartedly. I have gotten better about this in recent years, but fear of change is still the biggest form of resistance that I face.

Kramer addresses resistance as “the way we build security in our life involves habits that we are often not conscious of. Some habits are necessary. [However, they can] become dangerous if we unconsciously let them direct our lives” (Kramer, 166). While Kramer does not say that we we must drop or reform all of our habits he does stress how being unaware can create tension in our bodies and prevent people from evolving physically and spiritually.

Furthermore, “resistance to doing yoga is often feedback that your practice has become stale and habit-bound” (Kramer, 167). While daily yoga practice is relatively new to my life – I can hardly imagine that my practice has become stale – I have found that my ego wants to edge it out altogether. I would rather forego my daily disciplines and stay within my comfort zone than discover something new or have to give up time spent with friends, family, food or actives I enjoy. Deepak Chopra has an affirmation on the importance of letting go of the ego, which I try to remember: by holding on to our egos (E-G-O) we are “Edging God Out.” Instead of making room for change, we cling to old habits which limit our growth. When we recognize the ego trying to take hold, it is important to remember to trust and to breathe, this helps us become more open, creating space for new life, opportunity and connections.

To underscore the validity of edges in my life and practice on and off the mat I will share my observances of ongoing challenges and how they present themselves as edges in my life:
Over the last few weeks I have felt a shift, a tendency towards sloth and resistance to most all of my practice. I want to flee during meditation. I do not want to stay still. I doubt myself and the requirements of this program. I rush through my meals or put off eating entirely. I have noticed patterns of impatience and frustration. My desire to relate to others is often trumped by my desire to overcome past obstacles and be understood. My journaling appears to have gotten stagnant as I overanalyze and dislike my formulaic entries or blog posts, all appear to be written as “this is what I did, how I did...” scenarios. My body has worn down and I have gotten sick.

Despite the resistance I sometimes feel towards my yoga practice, I love it. I have tried to take some more “me time” each day to reground myself so that my practice does not feel like a chore. While I feel like I have encountered a plateau in my physical practice, I am recognizing the edges in my life as indicators of what I can do to accept change, to improve and grow as an individual. Part of this also means learning to acknowledge the growth I have already experienced since the start of yoga teacher training!

As I continue the program, I will remember that practice is cyclical for many and that I am not alone in my plateau experience. Some days I will be more into it and other days I will want to resist. It is my hope that I can learn to play my edges so that I no longer desire to run away but that I return to my mat to explore my body and better understand myself on a daily basis.

Day 57: Nov. 17, 2013

[This is a recap, written on Nov. 30. 2013]

What I remember most from this day was the sense of accomplishment that I had after class.  I taught my first full Ashtanga sequence to Michelle today without the guidance of any materials.  Before I started I felt completely overwhelmed.  I did not feel prepared but then I just knew I had to and tried to guide her through my understanding of the sequences.  I made it.  I taught an hour long class!  I helped her establish a sacred space, standing in sama-sthiti, finding her ujjayi breath.  When the instructors came around to see how we all were doing and participated in our "classes"  I did not freeze up, I continued with my instructions.  Breath, movement, drishti.  I did forget the order of a few of the poses and missed reverse namaste/prayer but ultimately it was a powerful experience.  By teaching the class I surprised myself with my capabilities.  I know what I need to work on:  learning posture names and sequence order.  To improve, I must practice.