Day 62: Nov. 22, 2013

So grateful for an opportunity to meet awesome women last night through my friend Wynnie.  We convened for the purpose of listening to each other and celebrating having a voice/story to tell.  Using the Trust Your Vibes card set by Sonia Choquette we took turns speaking.  It was very much like a Zelig circle where the first person talks for three minutes about anything they want to, all others listen.  Then the others speak one at a time for one minute saying what they observed the other person saying, not offering criticism, just feedback on when they saw the speaker "light up" and then the original speaker gets another opportunity to reiterate what they learned from hearing the feedback.  This very much reminded me of the ZEGG Forum I was able to participate in at Song of the Morning two summers in a row (2010 and 2011) during teens and twenties week.  Last night I drew a card from the Trust Your Vibes deck that was completely perfect for what I need/where I am in my life right now and I just had to share that.  It was "Clear Your Path."  There was an image of a person who was holding a lamp or a staff that was connected to the sun.  I saw a dove on the left and a heart with wings.  A chain was broken and an unlocked lock across the center and above the person.  In the lower right there was an image of a guardian.  It spoke to me immediately as not dwelling on the past and having learned to live in the present moment and being grateful for all of my experiences/not holding on to resentment.

Wynnie's was "Body Talk" 

Ellie's was "Tell Your Story"

Kim's was "Play"

Connie's was "Solutions"

I loved hearing these other women share their insight and stories.  I was especially struck by Connie's discussion of discovering that we all have a "sacred wound" that occurred to us at an early age and effects the way we interact with others/can help explain our emotional responses to certain situations. I know mine.  I don't know the exact age I was but it was a particular thing one of my parents said to me that greatly explains where my anxiety and sadness comes from.  I feel like it isn't something I should write about on here, not yet at least.  Trying to decide if it is something I should share with this other person or if by simply knowing/recognizing the hurt and honoring my sacred wound I can come to respond with more love and understanding.

Today's yoga class with Jan was beautiful.  4:30 Slow Burn.  She was subbing for Jill who had a family emergency.  Jan set up candles and provided aromatherapy which was a great way to slow down and appreciate a Friday afternoon.  I really got into my body and was able to keep my eyes closed throughout the duration of the class.  I was not really aware of who was around me although I could feel the energy in the room and was aware of breathing around me.  I appreciated this flow and feel like it nourished my soul.  Jan has a way with words where she always says something applicable.  May I also have the power to stir people's souls and give inspiration.

It was Jen's birthday today.  I celebrated with her, Patrick, Ceri, Jesse, Accala, Betsy, John, Phoebe and Nick(?) who were all the way at the other end of the table.  It was a fun meal out.  Italian cuisine. I had to turn down wine.  Twice.

Work has been good.  Stressful at times, specifically when learning more of the back story of how things were before Tina and I started there.  I'm still processing what I have heard.  Trying to interpret  what it means for me and my safety.  I should be fine but apparently Sam and Al have been threatened by disgruntled members.

As for my blog, I am not going to try and backtrack at this point but if I make references to missing dates I will be fine with that.  I needed more time for myself these past two weeks and perhaps my daily blogging as an expectation worked fine when I had a more flexible schedule but right now I'm busy M-F 5 a.m. to 8:30 p.m. and then I'm too exhausted to write.  I know it is a daily discipline but I might not take it as seriously as needing to mediate, study or do physical practice.  Now it is after 10:00 Friday evening and I need to go to sleep.  I felt a little headachy and stuffy at work today, hoping to ward off any pending sickness.  Goodnight.

"Defining My Edge"

How do you define the edge in your life (what does it mean)? How do you find your edge in yoga and in your life?

I find it extraordinarily humorous to encounter this essay topic, particularly at this time in my life. Perhaps it is just “that time” in the program and my experience is par for the course but I am finding that I have met my edge with this class – I want nothing more than to run from my practice! I am continuously tempted to drown out my dedication to the promises I have made to myself and others by doing other things with my time. I draw great comfort from the axiom “I am where I am supposed to be” and I am grateful to know that others in my class are experiencing this challenge as well... it is with this comfort that I share how I have found and define the concept of edge in my life.

Sometimes I feel like my life is segmented: life on and off the mat. However, my increasing awareness has led me to believe that we are always practicing yoga. As Joel Kramer so eloquently states in Yoga as Self-Transformation, “at its core, yoga is a process that involves confronting your limits and transcending them. It is a psychophysical approach to life and to self-understanding that can be creatively adapted to the needs of the times” (Kramer, 165). What new students may not realize is that practicing yoga does not end when you leave the classroom. We all continue to face edges on our own, whether knowingly or not in the world beyond our mat. When we can come to this understanding we can learn how to embrace change and evolve into loving, trusting beings.

At this time it is far easier for me to recognize my edge when I am on the mat. Sometimes it comes as a distinct sharpness. Other times my edge establishes itself as the creeping doubt of exhaustion. Thoughts emerge such as, “I can't do this” or “I'm so tired/sore/thirsty/off balance.” These are excuses. Just thoughts. Being brought to my edge gives me an opportunity to learn. These messages signify what I need to do and help me understand all that I need to change. My body reminds me through these messages to eat more regularly and nutritiously, to drink more water and to sleep more consistently.

But how did I initially find my edge? What did it signify and how has it changed me? I knowingly met and experienced my edge for the first time during a Life Power class shortly after I started yoga teacher training. The studio was dimly lit, I was among thirty or forty other practitioners and my mat was in the back row. During one of our flow sequences the instructor called out for us to hold plank and continue to breathe; I had not anticipated this. My arms shook and were tired from the previous day's practice (the cumulative amount of chaturanga dandasanas was new to me). It was at this point I decided to go into child's pose to regain composure. A previous teacher had suggested child’s pose as a good place to go for rest between postures. I had just lowered down to my mat and was immediately called out for it – “Claire! We're in plank; come back. Stay with us!”

I went from feeling shame to owning my discomfort for what it was – not pain, simply discomfort. As we held the posture and continued to breathe, the teacher proclaimed that we can all benefit from recognizing our edge; understanding the difference between pain and discomfort. “What we face on our mat is little to what we may face in our lives. Outside this room, outside this time, you may come in contact with something that demands more from you. By knowing your edge, you can persevere...” This poignant lesson has made me more willing to meet challenges on my mat with courage and dedication, for I know with certainty that challenges such as holding or deepening poses are minuscule in comparison to the challenges of life off the mat.

Although my awareness has grown more acute with daily practice, it remains more difficult for me to identify the edges in my daily living (off of the mat). However, I now understand why I have a tendency to act one way or another. I recognize that my avoidance or reluctance towards an activity signifies the presence of an edge.

The edge I most feel is my resistance to change. This corresponds directly with my ego's desire for control. I have always known that I don't like change. I have always done everything in my power to avoid it. Change has meant that I must let go of ways and things I know and understand. Change means I must make room for something new that I may or may not enjoy wholeheartedly. I have gotten better about this in recent years, but fear of change is still the biggest form of resistance that I face.

Kramer addresses resistance as “the way we build security in our life involves habits that we are often not conscious of. Some habits are necessary. [However, they can] become dangerous if we unconsciously let them direct our lives” (Kramer, 166). While Kramer does not say that we we must drop or reform all of our habits he does stress how being unaware can create tension in our bodies and prevent people from evolving physically and spiritually.

Furthermore, “resistance to doing yoga is often feedback that your practice has become stale and habit-bound” (Kramer, 167). While daily yoga practice is relatively new to my life – I can hardly imagine that my practice has become stale – I have found that my ego wants to edge it out altogether. I would rather forego my daily disciplines and stay within my comfort zone than discover something new or have to give up time spent with friends, family, food or actives I enjoy. Deepak Chopra has an affirmation on the importance of letting go of the ego, which I try to remember: by holding on to our egos (E-G-O) we are “Edging God Out.” Instead of making room for change, we cling to old habits which limit our growth. When we recognize the ego trying to take hold, it is important to remember to trust and to breathe, this helps us become more open, creating space for new life, opportunity and connections.

To underscore the validity of edges in my life and practice on and off the mat I will share my observances of ongoing challenges and how they present themselves as edges in my life:
Over the last few weeks I have felt a shift, a tendency towards sloth and resistance to most all of my practice. I want to flee during meditation. I do not want to stay still. I doubt myself and the requirements of this program. I rush through my meals or put off eating entirely. I have noticed patterns of impatience and frustration. My desire to relate to others is often trumped by my desire to overcome past obstacles and be understood. My journaling appears to have gotten stagnant as I overanalyze and dislike my formulaic entries or blog posts, all appear to be written as “this is what I did, how I did...” scenarios. My body has worn down and I have gotten sick.

Despite the resistance I sometimes feel towards my yoga practice, I love it. I have tried to take some more “me time” each day to reground myself so that my practice does not feel like a chore. While I feel like I have encountered a plateau in my physical practice, I am recognizing the edges in my life as indicators of what I can do to accept change, to improve and grow as an individual. Part of this also means learning to acknowledge the growth I have already experienced since the start of yoga teacher training!

As I continue the program, I will remember that practice is cyclical for many and that I am not alone in my plateau experience. Some days I will be more into it and other days I will want to resist. It is my hope that I can learn to play my edges so that I no longer desire to run away but that I return to my mat to explore my body and better understand myself on a daily basis.

Day 57: Nov. 17, 2013

[This is a recap, written on Nov. 30. 2013]

What I remember most from this day was the sense of accomplishment that I had after class.  I taught my first full Ashtanga sequence to Michelle today without the guidance of any materials.  Before I started I felt completely overwhelmed.  I did not feel prepared but then I just knew I had to and tried to guide her through my understanding of the sequences.  I made it.  I taught an hour long class!  I helped her establish a sacred space, standing in sama-sthiti, finding her ujjayi breath.  When the instructors came around to see how we all were doing and participated in our "classes"  I did not freeze up, I continued with my instructions.  Breath, movement, drishti.  I did forget the order of a few of the poses and missed reverse namaste/prayer but ultimately it was a powerful experience.  By teaching the class I surprised myself with my capabilities.  I know what I need to work on:  learning posture names and sequence order.  To improve, I must practice.

Day 55: Nov. 15, 2013

I need to study; write a paper; practice and meditate.  I need to sleep.  I need to eat.  It's amazing how time can pass and one can accomplish very little... :(

Day 51 and 53: Nov. 11 and Nov. 13, 2013

[This is a recap, written on Nov. 30. 2013]

I remember that after work this day I went to visit Katelyn at Juut for a haircut.  I was feeling nervous all day about this pending visit mainly because I was not sure I could handle running into my former boss.  So I stopped at Byerly's beforehand and picked out a card and a small try of cupcakes.  Then I had dinner with my mother at Z Pizza and while we were there one of the employees offered us a pizza that they had made but no one had claimed, so I took that with to Juut as well.  It was fun coming to visit.  Arriving with gifts elevated my mood and made running into people more enjoyable.  I had a lot of energy and enjoyed seeing those who were there.  I even exchanged pleasantries with my former boss who was surprised to see me.  I am so grateful to feel welcomed there and to have overcome my fear of going back for the first time.

After my haircut I went to the 8:15 Yin class.  I don't remember much now as I am writing this several days later but I know that I was glad to have gone.  It felt good to have time dedicated to practice and not to rush into it after being sick that weekend.


On Wednesday, Nov. 13 I went to the 4:30 Slow Burn class directly after work, which went really well.  I then went to Lunds to buy a salad and headed over to Jen's house for dinner.  She made homemade macaroni and cheese which was amazing, it had peppers, broccoli, red onions and crumbled Ritz crackers in it, not to mention a sharp white cheddar cheese sauce, so good!  I will have to try to recreate this on my own.  Hadn't seen her for a long while, so that was fun to reconnect.  It inspired future visits over the coming week (her dinner party a week later and then going to see Catching Fire).  That evening she, Patrick and I played a LOTR board game.  It took a little while to learn how it worked but it was fun!  I was very tired by the time we finished playing, I think it was almost 11 p.m.  Ceri made it home so we caught up with her for a little bit, then I headed home to sleep.  I remember feeling tired the next day but I don't recall many details for the rest of the week since I did not journal daily.

Day 50: Nov. 10, 2013

I stayed home from class today.  I woke up with a headache and a fever.  I didn't exhibit any of the other symptoms Bryce and Pippa have had this week (hoarse voice, coughing) – so I am thankful for that.  Spent most of the day in bed or on the couch.  When I was not sleeping, I read and drank tea or orange juice.  While I did not go to class, I did get my meditation in :)

I originally woke up at 6:30 this morning, after taking some ibuprofen and drinking two tall glasses of water, I sat in the living room to meditate.  It was a good practice; still dark outside and my housemates were asleep.  I did not set an alarm this time but managed to sit still for 25 minutes before stirring.  It was a calm time, my mind was not busy for once.  I tried not to fixate on my headache or fever but simply my breath.  It was a good experience.  I know thoughts arose but I was able to put them aside, as I am not remembering them now.  I did dedicate the last few minutes of my practice towards gratitude.

Despite being sick and not going to class, I tried to keep myself on track with meals.  I did eat breakfast (a bowl of granola and yogurt) lunch and dinner (left over tortellini with green beans).  For lunch I ate the last of the leftover quinoa chili with a slice of whole grain bread.  It could just be that I am suddenly sensitive to beans or spice (or that the chili was too old, it was made last Sunday) but my digestive tract experienced quite a bit of gas, which was uncomfortable not to mention embarrassing.  Oh well.

I am grateful that I could take the day to rest and recover so I can have good energy to go into the week.  I spent a good amount of time this morning trying to decide whether it would be best to push through class with a fever or stay in bed (I'm SO glad I convinced myself to take a sick day – others would not have appreciated me sharing my sickness).  I just didn't want to get behind in my studies.  I won't.  Jan was kind enough to email me back today with a list of the classes scheduled at Highland Park – when I looked online there was only a small portion listed...  I think I will start the week slowly by attending the Yin class tomorrow night at 8:15, so as to wind down and sleep soundly Monday night.  Tuesday I want to go to Slow Burn (the Hot Vinyasa Flow might be too vigorous for me yet while I recover, but we'll see) and Wednesday I might do one or two classes (there are several back-to-back in the evening).  On Thursday I think I would like to attend the Hatha Class and Friday I would like to try the evening candlelight class.

I am thankful for the quiet day I was able to spend at home, mostly by myself.  I feel much better than when I woke up, but I still have a slight headache (and am still gassy – gross).  Thankful that I was able to see Mom and Deb yesterday and share a meal with them.  Thankful that I was able to see Heather on Friday for a few minutes, good to reconnect with Juut friends.  Looking forward to seeing Katelyn tomorrow.  Hoping I will get a chance to work on my list of members  this week so as to improve our time card system...  I know it's best not to reinvent the wheel but I definitely think my idea has potential to create better efficiency in the task of monitoring entries.  I pray that I will have the patience to learn old systems this week and work with them a bit before I suggest any more new strategies.  I am grateful I work in an environment where my colleagues value my input (although they might challenge my ideas, they trust me/let me try).  Grateful to be going to bed early here.  Proud to have rested so much today, eaten well for the most part and drank a lot of liquids; hopefully this bug will be purged as I sleep tonight.  My prayers are with Marisa and Maggie; I am sorry to hear of their separate losses.  May everyone rest well tonight – wishing everyone a good week ahead.

Day 49 : Nov. 9, 2013

I am exhausted today.  It has been a great first week at work but I have had to let things go as far as yoga daily disciplines (I know this is a no-no but I've had to).  I practiced a few days but have found for my need to acclimate to work and my new schedule I was not able to keep up on every component.  I was feeling guilty about this until yesterday when I had a conversation with my mother who said she expected as much, or rather was hoping I would take the time I needed to adjust and not burn myself out.

I have given a lot of my energy to this practice, especially when I was unemployed last month.  It is not that I am abruptly stopping now but I have to create a new structure, new boundaries to make my practice work with my life.  I have found that I am not at this particular moment wanting to focus on teaching/learning how to teach.  At some point I might be ready to lead others but right now I just want to focus on my own understanding and get a thorough grip on my own philosophy and practice.

My body is resisting; my mind is resisting.  I feel like I have hit a wall.  Whenever I come to meditation or savasana I am reminded that I want to feel connected with the unity of all and find more meaning in my daily living.  I am experiencing more gratitude and awareness; I am very present in my body.  Right now I feel unwell, which signifies I need a time out.  Earlier I would have said to myself "you need to push through this" but right now I think the opposite is needed.  I need to prevent getting sick by resting and restoring myself.  It is not that my work is taking it out of me, it is just how I deal with change – absorbing new information and taking on new projects = energy spent.  I need to carve out time for me and that has meant doing less physical work/asanas this week, less time spent journaling and more time spent quietly sitting by myself or in the company of others.