Just finished a great day at class. I can tell it was a great day because I feel a mixture of complete exhaustion and pure joy/gratitude. We have really bonded as a group.
Today I woke up feeling really rested (which was a great improvement over the night before). Today I got up early (before my alarm) and moved my car to comply with Snow Emergency regulations. Had yogurt and granola for breakfast around 8:00 a.m. -- Gee, I think I eat that almost every day... I should probably do something different, but it is nice to not have to think about the prep first thing after waking.
Jason was back teaching today; he has been in Michigan working with Jonny Kest for the past several weeks. Man am I beat. It could be that I am just tired from yesterday's classes combined with today's activity (yesterday I attended a 75 min. vinyasa class and an hour long yin class). Today's class was a 75 min. Ashtanga form, which means a lot of intensity! Nothing out of the norm, but ramped up breath, swift pace, strong determination to hold boat pose as it is the usual gut-buster for me.
Enjoyed a Clif bar and a blueberry/banana smoothie for lunch in the Life Café with several members of the group. Heard about Jen's trip to Sedona and her plan to run yoga retreats with a business partner of hers, sounds great!
Meditation was not as great for me today as it was last Sunday. My mind decided it wanted me to think about past work experiences and I had to keep saying, "no, go away now." Whereas last Sunday and several times this week I have had a quiet mind/witnessed myself as the observer rather than the thoughts that frequently overcome my consciousness. It was helpful to read about meditation in The Heart of Yoga and come to realize that we should not work to meditate but rather work to prepare ourselves for meditation should the pieces fall together. I'll try to go into more detail about this later as I am feeling like I can't stay awake much longer writing.
I am grateful for Mary and Tamara for helping me with my Sun Salutation C sequence today. I think it went really well and I can't wait to see how it evolves this next week. Getting in 24 hours of silence will be tricky with my work schedule/duties. I will try doing it either this Friday or next going into Saturday. Thankful for a simple supper of leftover chicken, fresh broccoli and a small amount of hummus and pita bread. Not overwhelmingly balanced but filling, protein-rich and again, little to no prep involved. Also grateful for a shower and fresh linen. Now I get to enjoy an early bed time!
Sunday, January 19, 2014
Saturday, January 18, 2014
January 18, 2014: Gearing up for Sunday
Yesterday I attended Jill's 75 minute Vinyasa flow class in the evening. I was so afraid I was going to be late since I've been working until 5:00 (even later some nights) now that Tina is gone. With traffic I made it to Highland with ten minutes to spare. I changed clothes quickly in the locker room and found a spot in her class. It was nice to be able to just practice for myself and not worry about having to teach. She helped me open up a lot. I took greater chances with my triangle pose, going for a bind which I had never done before. After class I asked Jill if I could observe one of her classes in the coming week and she said that she would rather have me participate than looking on, so now I know her preference.
When I got home last night I was exhausted, I went to bed around 8:30, fell asleep just after 9:00 p.m.
This morning, I woke up loathing my alarm. I did not sleep well last night despite the fact that I went to bed early (I woke up around 1 a.m. and my body did not want to go back to sleep until around 3:00 a.m.) So when my alarm went off just before 8:00 a.m. I struggled to get out of bed. I did manage to eat a bowl of granola with yogurt around 8:15 a.m. and then I forced myself to get changed into yoga gear. It was 8:45 a.m. when I walked out my front door, I noticed all the snow that had fallen and I grabbed a shovel and made way out the front door. I cleared a path down the sidewalk, our front entrance and around the house. Felt like good cardio and with my long underwear on on top of my yoga gear and under my down coat I was quite warm. Started up my car and cleaned it off. Just after 9:00 I took off for Highland. I arrived around 9:15 a.m. Checked in, put my stuff in a locker and found a space on the floor in the studio. I worked my way through Jan's 75 minute Vinyasa flow class this morning and stayed for the Yin session afterwards. I would have liked very much to have stayed longer for meditation but as it was, my body wanted to get outside and enjoy the sunlight. I called Andrew since I saw he had left a voice message. I joined him for lunch. When I arrived at his home I noticed he hadn't shoveled yet (he dislikes shoveling) so I took up the tool and went to work. 15 minutes later his porch and entry ways were clear. I was *hAngry* to say the least (hungry and angry - although not really angry, just bushed) and was SO happy when we finally sat down to eat. Doing two and a half hours of yoga on just a bowl of granola/yogurt is truly a no-no for me going forward, I clearly needed more nutrition.
For my yoga meal today I observed an early dinner with Andrew. Before he went to work he told me he was hungry and it had been about four hours since we had lunch so I agreed to join him. We drove separately so he could leave right way for work. We went to Wally's in Dinkytown. We ordered a falafel and hummus plate to share and we each had a gyro. I love the food they prepare, it is always so savory and prepared fresh for each dish. We were limited on time but I did not feel rushed as I ate one bite as a time. We did not talk during our meal but we enjoyed happy food dances and knowing smiles as we enjoyed our food. I love the flavors (the gyro meat mixing with the tzatziki sauce and fresh tomatoes...) and am always impressed with the hummus plate and falafel. The exterior is crispy but not fried and the interior is moist with parsley, cilantro, onions and garlic.
I am thankful for the time I have gotten to enjoy today. Time for me in class, time for me at home. I am so glad to have a functioning car again. It has not been too cold lately, I feel like my muscles are not as tense as they have been, which is a great help when it comes to trying to relax and settle down for the night. I look forward to my day tomorrow with the group and am open to learning from everyone. I have designed a Sun C for class and feel like it is not too complicated to teach, so I am thankful for simplicity (and memory recall)! I am thankful for water; I have had many glasses to drink tonight. Makes me think about people across the United States not having clean water to drink because of fracking... I am thankful for friends who let me live with them and share their amenities.
When I got home last night I was exhausted, I went to bed around 8:30, fell asleep just after 9:00 p.m.
This morning, I woke up loathing my alarm. I did not sleep well last night despite the fact that I went to bed early (I woke up around 1 a.m. and my body did not want to go back to sleep until around 3:00 a.m.) So when my alarm went off just before 8:00 a.m. I struggled to get out of bed. I did manage to eat a bowl of granola with yogurt around 8:15 a.m. and then I forced myself to get changed into yoga gear. It was 8:45 a.m. when I walked out my front door, I noticed all the snow that had fallen and I grabbed a shovel and made way out the front door. I cleared a path down the sidewalk, our front entrance and around the house. Felt like good cardio and with my long underwear on on top of my yoga gear and under my down coat I was quite warm. Started up my car and cleaned it off. Just after 9:00 I took off for Highland. I arrived around 9:15 a.m. Checked in, put my stuff in a locker and found a space on the floor in the studio. I worked my way through Jan's 75 minute Vinyasa flow class this morning and stayed for the Yin session afterwards. I would have liked very much to have stayed longer for meditation but as it was, my body wanted to get outside and enjoy the sunlight. I called Andrew since I saw he had left a voice message. I joined him for lunch. When I arrived at his home I noticed he hadn't shoveled yet (he dislikes shoveling) so I took up the tool and went to work. 15 minutes later his porch and entry ways were clear. I was *hAngry* to say the least (hungry and angry - although not really angry, just bushed) and was SO happy when we finally sat down to eat. Doing two and a half hours of yoga on just a bowl of granola/yogurt is truly a no-no for me going forward, I clearly needed more nutrition.
For my yoga meal today I observed an early dinner with Andrew. Before he went to work he told me he was hungry and it had been about four hours since we had lunch so I agreed to join him. We drove separately so he could leave right way for work. We went to Wally's in Dinkytown. We ordered a falafel and hummus plate to share and we each had a gyro. I love the food they prepare, it is always so savory and prepared fresh for each dish. We were limited on time but I did not feel rushed as I ate one bite as a time. We did not talk during our meal but we enjoyed happy food dances and knowing smiles as we enjoyed our food. I love the flavors (the gyro meat mixing with the tzatziki sauce and fresh tomatoes...) and am always impressed with the hummus plate and falafel. The exterior is crispy but not fried and the interior is moist with parsley, cilantro, onions and garlic.
I am thankful for the time I have gotten to enjoy today. Time for me in class, time for me at home. I am so glad to have a functioning car again. It has not been too cold lately, I feel like my muscles are not as tense as they have been, which is a great help when it comes to trying to relax and settle down for the night. I look forward to my day tomorrow with the group and am open to learning from everyone. I have designed a Sun C for class and feel like it is not too complicated to teach, so I am thankful for simplicity (and memory recall)! I am thankful for water; I have had many glasses to drink tonight. Makes me think about people across the United States not having clean water to drink because of fracking... I am thankful for friends who let me live with them and share their amenities.
January 16, 2014: 38 days remaining in program
I did not make it to class today. I need to make it tomorrow. I have been working overtime since Monday and feel beat at the end of each night, so making it home to dinner feels like all I can do. I am sad that my coworker Tina was let go on Monday, she was someone I looked forward to working with for years to come but I guess that was not a part of the plan. I also think that she will find something more suited for her, she had higher earning aspirations than the union can offer. I am very fortunate that their offer is more than sufficient for my needs and desire for savings/debt reduction!
Daily Yoga Meal:
01/16 I ate chicken with broccoli and brown rice for dinner.
Daily Yoga Meal:
01/16 I ate chicken with broccoli and brown rice for dinner.
Remained seated? Yes ✓ No.
Refrained from conversation while chewing? Yes✓ No (if no, % of meal = %)
Refrained from any external distractions? Yes✓ No
Waited until food was completely chewed and swallowed before picking up my next bite. Yes✓ No (if no, % of meal = %)
Refrained from putting more than two handfuls of food on my plate at any given time, finished eating my two handfuls, then waited 3-5 minutes before taking more food. Yes✓ No
Waited 2-6 hours before taking my next meal. Yes✓ No.
Comments: I was ravenously hungry when it came to be time for dinner. I am proud of myself for not putting more food on my plate than I could/should eat and I did not shovel it into my mouth. I took my time and chewed each bite thoroughly before swallowing. I will not eat again until morning.
Daily Meditation: I held a twenty minute meditation. I felt antsy. I was also tired. Couldn't hold my seated posture without back yelling at me. My gluteus muscles and hip flexors were tight and I kept wanting to squirm.
Daily Practice: I practiced on my own at home today. I still haven't mastered my Sun C yet (and don't know where to begin designing my own variation to teach). Reading more of The Heart of Yoga.
Daily Gratitude: I am grateful for my job. Tina was let go on Monday. I learned that Tuesday. I haven't been sure how to respond to the situation. When I was let go from Juut it meant a lot to hear from my colleagues, however I don't know how it would sound coming from me (since I got to keep my job). I feel like I am a good fit with the position at this time.
Daily Meditation: I held a twenty minute meditation. I felt antsy. I was also tired. Couldn't hold my seated posture without back yelling at me. My gluteus muscles and hip flexors were tight and I kept wanting to squirm.
Daily Practice: I practiced on my own at home today. I still haven't mastered my Sun C yet (and don't know where to begin designing my own variation to teach). Reading more of The Heart of Yoga.
Daily Gratitude: I am grateful for my job. Tina was let go on Monday. I learned that Tuesday. I haven't been sure how to respond to the situation. When I was let go from Juut it meant a lot to hear from my colleagues, however I don't know how it would sound coming from me (since I got to keep my job). I feel like I am a good fit with the position at this time.
Monday, January 13, 2014
January 13, 2014: 41 days remaining in program
Writing a little bit during my lunch break. Perhaps I will do this every day. It is nice to be allotted an hour of me time amongst the chaos of office work! I do really like my job and feel challenged in coming up with ways through the madness. It really is not as crazy as I make it out to be but it can be frustrating at times when communication is not clear.
Daily Yoga Meal:
01/13 Around 12:15 p.m. I ate in the conference room with Tina. It was nice to observe the sunlight streaming in and see bits of blue sky.
Daily Yoga Meal:
01/13 Around 12:15 p.m. I ate in the conference room with Tina. It was nice to observe the sunlight streaming in and see bits of blue sky.
Remained seated? Yes ✓ No.
Refrained from conversation while chewing? Yes✓ No (if no, % of meal = %)
Refrained from any external distractions? Yes✓ No
Waited until food was completely chewed and swallowed before picking up my next bite. Yes No✓ (if no, % of meal = 50%)
Refrained from putting more than two handfuls of food on my plate at any given time, finished eating my two handfuls, then waited 3-5 minutes before taking more food. Yes✓ No
Waited 2-6 hours before taking my next meal. Yes✓ No.
Comments: I had portions of two salads from Lunds grocery store for lunch today. The first was a chicken curry salad with scallions and the second was a basmati rice, tofu and golden raisins (I had tried both of these salads last fall and thought it would be good to enjoy them again). I did not rush from bite to bite but I did notice from time to time that while I was chewing my food I had already prepared my fork with the next bite full.
Daily Meditation: Meditation was not as easy tonight as it was yesterday. Today you could say I felt the sensations of rajas or restlessness. I have a very stiff back and found it difficult to stay still, my body wanted to stretch, although thankfully my mind was not too busy. I did have a few times were I went ahead to tomorrow, wondering what I may or my not face, but I told those thoughts to wait for me to get there and went back to feeling the rhythm of my breathing and noticing the pulsing of my body. Yesterday's meditation was exquisite. Perhaps it was the energy of the group or the intent with which I was dedicated but I felt like an observer yesterday rather than a busy mind/body of today. Try again tomorrow :)
Daily Practice: I did not end up practicing today, I am still feeling pretty beat from yesterday but in place of practice I will continue my reading of The Heart of Yoga and contemplate my Sun C variation.
Daily Gratitude: I am thankful for my coworker Tina who encouraged me to teach her some yoga postures to ease the pain in her lower back. I thought of forward fold and then the posture where you lay on your back and rock your knees from side to side (as well as a gentle spinal twist). I am grateful to have been connected with a mechanic who could fix my car and make it affordable for me! my left blinker now works (it never had before, I always had to manually press the lever to create a signal), no more leaking power steering fluid and my stolen catalytic converter has been replaced. I cannot describe how nice it was to be able to drive a function car again :) I am also happy to be back in my own room and sleep in my own bed, it's been about a week and a half since I've been here. I am so glad I could stay with my Mom during the duration of my car repair and have her assistance getting to and from work each day.
Daily Meditation: Meditation was not as easy tonight as it was yesterday. Today you could say I felt the sensations of rajas or restlessness. I have a very stiff back and found it difficult to stay still, my body wanted to stretch, although thankfully my mind was not too busy. I did have a few times were I went ahead to tomorrow, wondering what I may or my not face, but I told those thoughts to wait for me to get there and went back to feeling the rhythm of my breathing and noticing the pulsing of my body. Yesterday's meditation was exquisite. Perhaps it was the energy of the group or the intent with which I was dedicated but I felt like an observer yesterday rather than a busy mind/body of today. Try again tomorrow :)
Daily Practice: I did not end up practicing today, I am still feeling pretty beat from yesterday but in place of practice I will continue my reading of The Heart of Yoga and contemplate my Sun C variation.
Daily Gratitude: I am thankful for my coworker Tina who encouraged me to teach her some yoga postures to ease the pain in her lower back. I thought of forward fold and then the posture where you lay on your back and rock your knees from side to side (as well as a gentle spinal twist). I am grateful to have been connected with a mechanic who could fix my car and make it affordable for me! my left blinker now works (it never had before, I always had to manually press the lever to create a signal), no more leaking power steering fluid and my stolen catalytic converter has been replaced. I cannot describe how nice it was to be able to drive a function car again :) I am also happy to be back in my own room and sleep in my own bed, it's been about a week and a half since I've been here. I am so glad I could stay with my Mom during the duration of my car repair and have her assistance getting to and from work each day.
Sunday, January 12, 2014
January 12, 2014 -- 42 days left in the program
6 weeks to go. I am supposed to keep journaling. Every time I sit down to try I just want to go to sleep. Keep it short and simple.
Today's class was SO powerful. We started with a 75 minute Ashtanga sequence, then had a 20 minute meditation, during which I felt utterly calm, my mind was silent and I felt almost outside myself in the sense that I was simply the observer instead of the occupant with thoughts racing free. I helped guide metta meditation again. I don't know why I can't ever seem to get the whole love and compassion deal into it, I always just kind of deliver and then it is over and I don't know how to close the experience. I will try to write a script. Also think it would be helpful to write a script for setting up sacred space (3-5 minutes before any class to get people in touch with their breath).
I ate lunch with everyone upstairs at the Café. First I walked across the street to buy a sandwich at Lunds. When I was at the stoplight a man stopped me and asked if I would buy a rosary from him, which I did. I also got a phone call from the mechanic who has been working on my car. It is ready! I have made arrangements to have it picked up tomorrow after work. I've been without a car for over a week, someone stole my catalytic converter last weekend when I was staying at my Mother's apartment building. I am trying to decide whether or not going forward if I should have comprehensive insurance, before I just had liability. I would like to be able to visit my Mother without worrying whether or not my car will be vandalized. It is not a quick fix, nor is it something I can afford to have replaced all the time. I almost didn't think I was going to get it replaced and that I would have to get a new car because the quote was so high from the first mechanic, good thing I was given a referral. I will see tomorrow how good of a job he has done!
Anyway, I came back from Lunds with my sandwich and ordered a kale/spinach smoothie from the Life Café and sat down with my classmates. Everyone was exuberant today. I could just sense an energy about everyone, excitement.
After lunch we took a short nap and then we discussed our weaknesses (we had written a paper about our biggest weakness) and what mainly surfaced was the common belief that weaknesses act as a way of promoting growth, or that weakness are not necessarily a bad thing but that they illustrate a corresponding strength or a level of compassion...
From this discussion Jan brought us into practicing the set up of sacred space. Michael, Dean and Aviel lead the group today. It was good to get a feel for how long that practice should take; some good do's and don'ts too. This is what I want to devise: a script or two to get groups going, finding their breath, noticing how they are feeling and accepting where they are/how they are feeling as being right for them at this time.
After a short break Jan had us do Sun A, Sun B (both taught Ashtanga style but I think we were supposed to do Vinayasa style...) then Sun C/variations. We flowed for thirty minutes without guidance. My heart was racing, my body was sweating and my breath was quickened. By the end I wanted to just croak. She had us do "logs" or core exercises that focus on building muscular endurance. We held several sets of boat pose for about 10 breaths each with intermittent "floating, not quite lying down" poses. We were beat. We made it but we were dead tired. When it came time for savasana after this practice I just cried. I am not sure if it was the music, my exhaustion or the words that came from Jan. "When the student is ready the teacher comes." I have waited years for this, hoping I would someday be ready to receive such a great teacher, when the realization is that I am my best possible teacher and that I have been here all along. That and lyrics sung by Tracy Chapman and I was a mess. Grateful but overwhelmed.
Today I am thankful for all the support and energy my group mates shared with me. They upheld my story and were willing to share theirs. We pulled through testing postures and had to trust ourselves to create our own C sequence variations during the impromptu flow session.
Sarah gave me a ride home (to my Mom's apartment, staying overnight again so she can give me a ride to work in the morning).
I am grateful for the showers I have had, the water I have had to drink and the great night's rest I am about to have. I love my Mother and am without words for the love I have felt from my classmates and teacher today.
My yoga meal: I ate a pot roast that my mother so lovingly cooked when I got home. It was so tender and I loved all of the vegetables that were served with the meat. No distraction, remained seated, enjoyed my Mother's company and did not talk when I was eating or interrupt her when she was eating. I did not over eat. I will wait until morning to eat again.
Today's class was SO powerful. We started with a 75 minute Ashtanga sequence, then had a 20 minute meditation, during which I felt utterly calm, my mind was silent and I felt almost outside myself in the sense that I was simply the observer instead of the occupant with thoughts racing free. I helped guide metta meditation again. I don't know why I can't ever seem to get the whole love and compassion deal into it, I always just kind of deliver and then it is over and I don't know how to close the experience. I will try to write a script. Also think it would be helpful to write a script for setting up sacred space (3-5 minutes before any class to get people in touch with their breath).
I ate lunch with everyone upstairs at the Café. First I walked across the street to buy a sandwich at Lunds. When I was at the stoplight a man stopped me and asked if I would buy a rosary from him, which I did. I also got a phone call from the mechanic who has been working on my car. It is ready! I have made arrangements to have it picked up tomorrow after work. I've been without a car for over a week, someone stole my catalytic converter last weekend when I was staying at my Mother's apartment building. I am trying to decide whether or not going forward if I should have comprehensive insurance, before I just had liability. I would like to be able to visit my Mother without worrying whether or not my car will be vandalized. It is not a quick fix, nor is it something I can afford to have replaced all the time. I almost didn't think I was going to get it replaced and that I would have to get a new car because the quote was so high from the first mechanic, good thing I was given a referral. I will see tomorrow how good of a job he has done!
Anyway, I came back from Lunds with my sandwich and ordered a kale/spinach smoothie from the Life Café and sat down with my classmates. Everyone was exuberant today. I could just sense an energy about everyone, excitement.
After lunch we took a short nap and then we discussed our weaknesses (we had written a paper about our biggest weakness) and what mainly surfaced was the common belief that weaknesses act as a way of promoting growth, or that weakness are not necessarily a bad thing but that they illustrate a corresponding strength or a level of compassion...
From this discussion Jan brought us into practicing the set up of sacred space. Michael, Dean and Aviel lead the group today. It was good to get a feel for how long that practice should take; some good do's and don'ts too. This is what I want to devise: a script or two to get groups going, finding their breath, noticing how they are feeling and accepting where they are/how they are feeling as being right for them at this time.
After a short break Jan had us do Sun A, Sun B (both taught Ashtanga style but I think we were supposed to do Vinayasa style...) then Sun C/variations. We flowed for thirty minutes without guidance. My heart was racing, my body was sweating and my breath was quickened. By the end I wanted to just croak. She had us do "logs" or core exercises that focus on building muscular endurance. We held several sets of boat pose for about 10 breaths each with intermittent "floating, not quite lying down" poses. We were beat. We made it but we were dead tired. When it came time for savasana after this practice I just cried. I am not sure if it was the music, my exhaustion or the words that came from Jan. "When the student is ready the teacher comes." I have waited years for this, hoping I would someday be ready to receive such a great teacher, when the realization is that I am my best possible teacher and that I have been here all along. That and lyrics sung by Tracy Chapman and I was a mess. Grateful but overwhelmed.
Today I am thankful for all the support and energy my group mates shared with me. They upheld my story and were willing to share theirs. We pulled through testing postures and had to trust ourselves to create our own C sequence variations during the impromptu flow session.
Sarah gave me a ride home (to my Mom's apartment, staying overnight again so she can give me a ride to work in the morning).
I am grateful for the showers I have had, the water I have had to drink and the great night's rest I am about to have. I love my Mother and am without words for the love I have felt from my classmates and teacher today.
My yoga meal: I ate a pot roast that my mother so lovingly cooked when I got home. It was so tender and I loved all of the vegetables that were served with the meat. No distraction, remained seated, enjoyed my Mother's company and did not talk when I was eating or interrupt her when she was eating. I did not over eat. I will wait until morning to eat again.
"Biggest Weakness"
My biggest weakness is my continual inability to trust or let go. I like being in control and I do not feel comfortable acting with the spirit of spontanetiy I enjoy ritual and tend to struggle when “unpredictable things”
happen. The disturbance I feel causes me to fight my way back to “equilibrium.” I place these words in
quotation marks because I want to express the dubious nature of both unpredictable events and equilibrium. If I
were to truly take the time to look ahead using dhyana (reflection) I would greatly lessen the amount of duhkha
(feeling of discomfort or pain) that I feel in these types of situations. Furthermore unpredictable situations would
not altogether exist if I were to be more fully present and aware of the possible preconceptions and habitual
actions that I hold and how they affect the way I interact with this world.
Recently I got into a disagreement with a loved one purely because I was unable to cope with their sudden need for change and my desire for control. I had expected to spend my Thursday evening with a particular person because that is what I enjoy doing and when this person decided mid-day to change plans I was very disturbed Instead of taking time to step out of the situation and evaluate it from all the sides (using pratipaksa) my mind went into overdrive. My ego was shot. Why wasn't I good enough to spend time with? Was I no longer important? I was afraid that if I did not make my concern known that I would become subject to further upset (i.e. ignored or forgotten in the future). Instead of recognizing where this other person was coming and his/her need to be alone, I was stuck on my own feelings. I was stuck on me and where I wanted to be and what I wanted to be doing.
In retrospect this experience was entirely ironic as I had just read about avidya , of which I recognize myself experiencing all forms (ego, fear, refusal, desire), more so on some days than others. Furthermore, in learning about duhkha I have come to realize that I have been dealing with control issues from a very young age. I remember a particular instance when I was twelve, turning thirteen. I was greatly upset when my parents surprised me with a trip to Chicago. I had prepared in my mind for several weeks that my parents were going on a business trip without me and missing my thirteenth birthday. I had planned to stay with friends and packed my suitcase for a week's stay at my friend's home. However, when it came time to wish my parents farewell at the airport, they informed me that I was coming with them.
I was greatly upset. My mind raced: I had a field trip to go on the next day for school; I needed my homework and it wasn't with me, it was at my friend's house! I couldn't possibly go on this trip because there was quarter-long project I needed to complete... I finally agreed to go with my parents on this trip after they promised to have my homework faxed to the hotel we would be staying in. I also wanted to be sure the proper phone calls were made to inform friends and teachers that I would not be in town or attending class the following few days.
Recently I got into a disagreement with a loved one purely because I was unable to cope with their sudden need for change and my desire for control. I had expected to spend my Thursday evening with a particular person because that is what I enjoy doing and when this person decided mid-day to change plans I was very disturbed Instead of taking time to step out of the situation and evaluate it from all the sides (using pratipaksa) my mind went into overdrive. My ego was shot. Why wasn't I good enough to spend time with? Was I no longer important? I was afraid that if I did not make my concern known that I would become subject to further upset (i.e. ignored or forgotten in the future). Instead of recognizing where this other person was coming and his/her need to be alone, I was stuck on my own feelings. I was stuck on me and where I wanted to be and what I wanted to be doing.
In retrospect this experience was entirely ironic as I had just read about avidya , of which I recognize myself experiencing all forms (ego, fear, refusal, desire), more so on some days than others. Furthermore, in learning about duhkha I have come to realize that I have been dealing with control issues from a very young age. I remember a particular instance when I was twelve, turning thirteen. I was greatly upset when my parents surprised me with a trip to Chicago. I had prepared in my mind for several weeks that my parents were going on a business trip without me and missing my thirteenth birthday. I had planned to stay with friends and packed my suitcase for a week's stay at my friend's home. However, when it came time to wish my parents farewell at the airport, they informed me that I was coming with them.
I was greatly upset. My mind raced: I had a field trip to go on the next day for school; I needed my homework and it wasn't with me, it was at my friend's house! I couldn't possibly go on this trip because there was quarter-long project I needed to complete... I finally agreed to go with my parents on this trip after they promised to have my homework faxed to the hotel we would be staying in. I also wanted to be sure the proper phone calls were made to inform friends and teachers that I would not be in town or attending class the following few days.
As you can see, I certainly had a very particular reaction to this situation. Another child might have jumped for joy at the opportunity to miss school or have her parents remember her birthday and make it special. For me it was just too much of a surprise and change for me to deal with. I lovingly explained to my parents how difficult it was and that I was not pleased with the surprise but that in general their idea was clever and certainly tricked me down to the last minute. They never tried to pull a surprise birthday or a surprise any kind of event ever again. Sometimes when I meet people, I will describe the difficulty I have when it comes to switching gears. I don't think that many people actually get it until they witness me experiencing a breakdown of sorts, which is very unpleasant for them and embarrassing for me.
While a weakness can be detrimental, as it certainly can strain relationships, it is important to recognize how the existence of a weakness can serve as a starting point from which one can improve. For example, my greatest weakness demonstrates the depth of my ability to care or invest in a situation or a result. While I do not think it is good to be overly attached to results, it is beneficial to recognize how much I care about outcomes and the energy I am willing to expend to ensure the best possible experience. To create greater peace of mind and enable my spirit to grow, I need to learn that by letting go of control or neediness I am creating room to allow life to happen, instead of restricting the flow.
I have appreciated reading The Heart of Yoga. As per usual, I have found that the reading is exceedingly spot-on for where I am in the program. It has been enormously helpful to learn about avidy and duhkha. Whenever I feel stuck it is good to remember that it is only natural. Of course it would be fantastic to minimize the amount of time and energy spent being stuck and instead live in a state of kaivalya, free from external concerns, being able to recognize the reality of what is and what is not important. Furthermore, I would like to act from a place of sattva (or clarity, calm-mindedness). For many years I have felt sluggish and lethargic, which makes me believe I have been acting from a mindset of tamas; very infrequently do I suffer from rajas as I am rarely excitable (although I do find my mind to be restless during meditation).
What I am trying to get at in my essay here is that what I have been struggling with these past few days has been a surfacing of this weakness that I have dealt with my whole life. According to T.K.V. Desikachar, “when we become aware of duhkha and see it as something to face, we are also able to find a way to get rid of it” (The Heart of Yoga, 85). My challenge moving forward is to let go of the reins. If I can be less invested in a result and instead enjoy the ride a bit more I think my level of stress would greatly decrease and my ability to interact with others would be greatly strengthened.
Saturday, January 4, 2014
Day 104/154: January 4, 2014
Another day of resistance. It has been so long since I have followed my daily disciplines to a T. I keep making peace with my choices and yet I continue to feel challenged to get on the straight and narrow path.
I do feel like I have incorporated many aspects of my yoga practice/lessons into my daily be-ing, but there are certain practices I continue to resist (i.e. daily practice with others, weekly teaching practice, meditation).
I successfully eat mindfully. I mind my breath. I am aware of empathetic listening. I am aware of my intuition and my feelings (as well as sensing others' feelings). I sleep more soundly. I act with more dedication in my work. I make time for myself and for others. I am able to say yes and no without hesitation. I make more time for play. I have more gratitude and I give more willingly. I have less fear and more motivation. I am more accepting of change and challenges. While I don't feel like I want to instruct at this time I feel like I have grounded myself and made a new beginning (and that I have permission to "start again" every day).
I have 50 days left of my program. 7 weeks, 1 day. I will make the most of it. Tomorrow through Tuesday are supposed to be the coldest days of winter. I am not sure I will make it to class as I had to have my car towed this morning (it started but it was much louder than it has ever been before and I did not feel safe driving it to a mechanic). I know that I can use my mother's car to get to class but I don't really want to put myself in danger with the bitter cold temperatures. We shall see how I feel when I wake up.
I do feel like I have incorporated many aspects of my yoga practice/lessons into my daily be-ing, but there are certain practices I continue to resist (i.e. daily practice with others, weekly teaching practice, meditation).
I successfully eat mindfully. I mind my breath. I am aware of empathetic listening. I am aware of my intuition and my feelings (as well as sensing others' feelings). I sleep more soundly. I act with more dedication in my work. I make time for myself and for others. I am able to say yes and no without hesitation. I make more time for play. I have more gratitude and I give more willingly. I have less fear and more motivation. I am more accepting of change and challenges. While I don't feel like I want to instruct at this time I feel like I have grounded myself and made a new beginning (and that I have permission to "start again" every day).
I have 50 days left of my program. 7 weeks, 1 day. I will make the most of it. Tomorrow through Tuesday are supposed to be the coldest days of winter. I am not sure I will make it to class as I had to have my car towed this morning (it started but it was much louder than it has ever been before and I did not feel safe driving it to a mechanic). I know that I can use my mother's car to get to class but I don't really want to put myself in danger with the bitter cold temperatures. We shall see how I feel when I wake up.
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