"Biggest Weakness"

My biggest weakness is my continual inability to trust or let go. I like being in control and I do not feel comfortable acting with the spirit of spontanetiy  I enjoy ritual and tend to struggle when “unpredictable things” happen. The disturbance I feel causes me to fight my way back to “equilibrium.” I place these words in quotation marks because I want to express the dubious nature of both unpredictable events and equilibrium. If I were to truly take the time to look ahead using dhyana (reflection) I would greatly lessen the amount of duhkha (feeling of discomfort or pain) that I feel in these types of situations. Furthermore  unpredictable situations would not altogether exist if I were to be more fully present and aware of the possible preconceptions and habitual actions that I hold and how they affect the way I interact with this world.

Recently I got into a disagreement with a loved one purely because I was unable to cope with their sudden need for change and my desire for control. I had expected to spend my Thursday evening with a particular person because that is what I enjoy doing and when this person decided mid-day to change plans I was very disturbed  Instead of taking time to step out of the situation and evaluate it from all the sides (using pratipaksa) my mind went into overdrive. My ego was shot. Why wasn't I good enough to spend time with? Was I no longer important? I was afraid that if I did not make my concern known that I would become subject to further upset (i.e. ignored or forgotten in the future). Instead of recognizing where this other person was coming and his/her need to be alone, I was stuck on my own feelings. I was stuck on me and where I wanted to be and what I wanted to be doing.

In retrospect this experience was entirely ironic as I had just read about avidya , of which I recognize myself experiencing all forms (ego, fear, refusal, desire), more so on some days than others. Furthermore, in learning about duhkha I have come to realize that I have been dealing with control issues from a very young age. I remember a particular instance when I was twelve, turning thirteen. I was greatly upset when my parents surprised me with a trip to Chicago. I had prepared in my mind for several weeks that my parents were going on a business trip without me and missing my thirteenth birthday. I had planned to stay with friends and packed my suitcase for a week's stay at my friend's home. However, when it came time to wish my parents farewell at the airport, they informed me that I was coming with them.

I was greatly upset. My mind raced: I had a field trip to go on the next day for school; I needed my homework and it wasn't with me, it was at my friend's house! I couldn't possibly go on this trip because there was quarter-long project I needed to complete... I finally agreed to go with my parents on this trip after they promised to have my homework faxed to the hotel we would be staying in. I also wanted to be sure the proper phone calls were made to inform friends and teachers that I would not be in town or attending class the following few days.

As you can see, I certainly had a very particular reaction to this situation. Another child might have jumped for joy at the opportunity to miss school or have her parents remember her birthday and make it special. For me it was just too much of a surprise and change for me to deal with. I lovingly explained to my parents how difficult it was and that I was not pleased with the surprise but that in general their idea was clever and certainly tricked me down to the last minute. They never tried to pull a surprise birthday or a surprise any kind of event ever again. Sometimes when I meet people, I will describe the difficulty I have when it comes to switching gears. I don't think that many people actually get it until they witness me experiencing a breakdown of sorts, which is very unpleasant for them and embarrassing for me.

While a weakness can be detrimental, as it certainly can strain relationships, it is important to recognize how the existence of a weakness can serve as a starting point from which one can improve. For example, my greatest weakness demonstrates the depth of my ability to care or invest in a situation or a result. While I do not think it is good to be overly attached to results, it is beneficial to recognize how much I care about outcomes and the energy I am willing to expend to ensure the best possible experience. To create greater peace of mind and enable my spirit to grow, I need to learn that by letting go of control or neediness I am creating room to allow life to happen, instead of restricting the flow.

I have appreciated reading The Heart of Yoga. As per usual, I have found that the reading is exceedingly spot-on for where I am in the program. It has been enormously helpful to learn about avidy and duhkha. Whenever I feel stuck it is good to remember that it is only natural. Of course it would be fantastic to minimize the amount of time and energy spent being stuck and instead live in a state of kaivalya, free from external concerns, being able to recognize the reality of what is and what is not important. Furthermore, I would like to act from a place of sattva (or clarity, calm-mindedness). For many years I have felt sluggish and lethargic, which makes me believe I have been acting from a mindset of tamas; very infrequently do I suffer from rajas as I am rarely excitable (although I do find my mind to be restless during meditation).

What I am trying to get at in my essay here is that what I have been struggling with these past few days has been a surfacing of this weakness that I have dealt with my whole life. According to T.K.V. Desikachar, “when we become aware of duhkha and see it as something to face, we are also able to find a way to get rid of it” (The Heart of Yoga, 85). My challenge moving forward is to let go of the reins. If I can be less invested in a result and instead enjoy the ride a bit more I think my level of stress would greatly decrease and my ability to interact with others would be greatly strengthened.