Day 37: Oct. 28, 2013

I stayed mainly inside today.  I felt pretty lethargic.  I did not do any yoga postures but I did sit in silent meditation for 20 minutes.  I probably would have benefitted from a longer time but I was fighting the vice of anxiousness/need to get stuff done monster.

Daily Practice:  n/a

Daily Meditation:  20 minutes in the late morning.

Daily Yoga Meal:  Had chicken with broccoli, cauliflower and carrots; side of brown rice.  Stopped half way through meal, had too much on my plate.  Saved the rest for leftovers (half a chicken breast, 1/4 cup of brown rice; had eaten all the vegetables).   No distractions.  Minimal conversation.  Ate with Andrew, it was his night off.  He cooked dinner while I helped him winterize his windows.

Daily Gratitude:  Glad I was not required to do much of anything today (other than drive to Hastings and fill out paperwork for the Union job which starts next Monday).  Glad I was able to spend some time with Andrew this evening; enjoyed dinner together and watched two movies!  We were both feeling pretty lazy and were just happy to enjoy one another's company.

Day 36: Oct. 27, 2013

Today was a busy and fast paced day.  After the initial yoga class at 11:15 and the meditation that followed we went over Jonny Kest's article "Five Myths of Alignment in Yoga" from our manual (pg. 124) discussing mainly our own misconceptions and how this article went along with the Paul Grilley segment we watched (last week's homework was to watch "The 8 Major Joints").

As a group we took a walk and did a short outdoor meditation, mainly to take advantage of the beautiful weather we had in Saint Paul!  As we came back we walked in silence to observe nature and be more mindful of our bodies in motion.



Once we were back in the studio we began learning the remaining standing/balancing postures from the Ashtanga Primary Series (#12: Utthita Hasta Padaganustasana A – #19: Virabhadrasana B)
and then started learning the short form seated postures (#1: Dandasana – #7: Marichyasana C).

Our homework for the week is to watch more Paul Grilley and then to practice with a partner from class the entire Ashtanga Primary Series through the seated posture Marichyasana C.  This should take us about 45-50 minutes.  That is almost the duration of an entire class!  My partner will be Aviel.

Waiting to get an email from him to see what days work best.  I also plan on practicing with Amy; she said she is available Wednesday evening.  So hopefully I'll get at least those two opportunities in!  Jan also mentioned that I should come to her classes this week and be ready to lead Sun A and Sun B.  I think I can do this, especially if I am prepared/not caught off guard.

Again, here is a record of what I did today:

Yoga Meal Record: Ate with Lynda, Sarah and Patience at Chipotle.  I had a burrito bowl with almost everything on it!  I had a scoop of brown rice, black beans, fajita/peppers and onions, carnitas (pulled pork), salsa verde, tomato salsa and corn salsa, sour cream and queso fresco.  It was so wonderful and filling;  I was not overly full (I am sure my serving was slightly more than two handfuls).  We took turns in conversation and were not distracted by anything outside our meal and conversation.  I learned a bit about Lynda and Patience's teacher practices and a little more about Lynda and Sarah's lives as mothers.  After our meal, Patience and I walked down by the river for about 20 minutes, then we returned for our siesta.

Daily Practice:  Astanga class at 11:15 with Jason/Jan.  We spent a lot of time doing Sun As and Bs, so that when it came time for standing postures we skipped from Parivrtta Parsvakonasana (lunging twist/reverse prayer) to Prasarita Podottanasana C (hands are clasped behind back, feet 3/4 feet apart, bending forward, holding for 5 breaths)  in order to complete the series of postures in our class.  Although I noticed this adjustment, I was not bothered and still felt like I got the stretch I needed in order to move on to balancing postures and then seated postures, etc.

Daily Meditation:  Today in group meditation I emulated a seated posture I have seen Michelle and others do, which incorporates a bolster, sitting on it hot-dog style (if this makes any sense - the bolster is between the thighs, and the knees are on the ground on either side).  This worked really well.  I had a blanket under my knees and I was able to stay upright and not experience any discomfort or fidget during the meditation. This contributed to a more stable/quiet mind and a more enjoyable meditation experience.  I felt more loving and joyful during mettā-meditation today, I think that was because I was not so fixated on my body/desire to eat lunch.  I hope I can continue this in my at-home practice!

Daily Gratitude: I am thankful for Jan who took away my manual today and forced me to teach from my memory.  This was good.  I did fine without my crutch and figured out (for the most part) what movement came next with which breath.  There were a few confusing seated postures but with practice I will "crush" this!  Happy to have had lunch with others today (and enjoy Chipotle, it's been a while).  Also incredibly thankful for getting to go on two walks today, see the river and experience the crunching of leaves underfoot.  What a great blue sky we had and what lovely sun gracing our skin.  Only a slight soft breeze, I think it was about 55ª F, which is quite great at the end of Oct.  Happy to have the week ahead of me to practice with others and dedicate time on my own.  My yoga practice has been daily but taken the back seat these past few weeks with job search anxieties, etc.  So happy to thrive in my live with a mini vacation before I start my new job next Monday. Whoohoo!

Day 35: Oct. 26, 2013

So sleepy right now as I write this.  Working on yoga homework (scribing Sun Salutation B again and then the standing postures; need to write down their purpose/benefits).  Will be consulting Beryl Birch and my Astanga manual.  Also need to finish watching the lecture by Grille;  saw only 2 of the 8 joints earlier.  I think I am just recovering from the highs and lows of this week, not to mention just the change in season/my own cycle.  I am more tired than usual.  Trying to eat well and get enough rest.  Hopefully tonight I will recoup even more before class tomorrow.

Yoga Meal Record:  Made spaetzle with Pippa.  We ate the homemade dumplings with a pot roast around 6:30 p.m.  I remained seated during my meal; caught myself speaking once when I had not finished my mouthful of food (90% successful), oops/gross!  Was able to focus on one bite at a time/did not try to load up fork before I had finished bite.  Had just over two handfuls of food (the dumplings were very filling), but I would say my stomach did not feel more than 2/3 full.  There was a lack of vegetables on the plate.  I asked Pippa what had happened to the onions/carrots that had been marinating with the pot roast  but she said they had been tossed after making the gravy.  I was slightly disappointed but since we were all sitting down to eat I was not going to get up and make a side of vegetables and let my meal get cold.  It was a delightful meal;  Pippa thickened the gravy with some gingerbread crumbs (that was a first/very creative).  I think we were seated for about 20 minutes total, it was not a rushed meal but it did not last a long period of time.  I don't think I will have a need to snack at all tonight – the last few days I have found myself needing another meal/snack 2-3 hours after dinner time.  It's already been about 2 hours and I still feel satiated, yay!

Daily Meditation:  After dinner took time to sit on my own in the living room to observe silence and be still.  It was more successful than recent days; I think my anxiety is finally settling down/I have accepted my decision/choosing the union job over the Seward position.

Daily Practice:  5 Sun As and 5 Sun Bs, very basic today; still recouping and not entirely energetic.  Tried to keep my mind engaged with my breath and worked on engaging my bandhas in downward facing dog.

Daily Gratitude: I am thankful for another beautiful fire in the fireplace tonight.  I get to work on homework/worksheets while my housemates watch a movie.  It is a cozy night and I am happy that I am able to just stay home and not go out, while I am grateful to have been invited out to celebrate Halloween.  I am also thankful for this morning with my Mom and Deb; they picked me up and we went to my cousin's elementary school function, an outdoor Fall Festival.  It was very chilly out due to the wind, but what a special occasion!  There was a representative from the DNR there and a worker from the MN Raptor Center.  I was able to listen to a live band and see beautiful rescued birds (two types of falcons, an owl and an eagle).  My Mom, Deb and I also enjoyed a treat from a food vendor Anchor Fish and Chips (we had fish and chips).  It was nice to get outside and spend time with friends and family.  I was also able to share my good news of employment with my family and they were happy for the update.

Day 34: Oct. 25, 2013

Daily Meal Record:  Had dinner with Amy.  We walked to a local Thai restaurant, ordered a few egg rolls and two curry dishes;  one was the bung bo (a yellow curry dish with lemon grass and beef) and the other was a red curry with roasted duck, tomatoes and peas.   She had never had duck before (Amy has been a vegetarian for several years but is reintroducing meat as a source of protein back into her life per doctor recommendations, she has had a lot of issues lately and eating beans and nuts is not sufficient for her).   Each were made with coconut milk and were mild-medium spice level.  I ate a moderate amount; spacing it out over the course of an hour or so after we made the walk home (we ordered it to go).  We did not eat without distraction, however; it was a date night and she wanted to watch a movie together, so technically this was not a yoga meal but I felt myself more absorbed in my eating than paying attention to the movie.  The flavors and eating experience were so dynamic and it was great to eat in her company.  I ate a proper amount and stopped when I was satiated.  There was plenty afterwards for leftovers, which I left with her.

Daily Practice:  Woke up at Andrew's; did 5 Sun Salutations As and 5 Bs to start my day.  Again, did not focus on the side postures.  Did recite in my mind a simple script as I engaged my ujjayi pranayama breathing.  I felt good head accrue during my movement.  My breaths in and out were equal in length, not a quick breath but not drawn out to slow down the practice.  I think all in all I spent about 15 minutes going through these sequences.  Every time I was in Adho Muka Svasana (downward facing dog) I practiced engaging my mula and uddiayana bandahas.  I felt these strongly too whenever I paused for rest in sama-sthiti.  Did not spend more than 2/3 minutes in savasana.

Daily Meditation:  After asanas I sat alone in the living room and set an alarm for 20 minutes.  At about 10 minutes in I found myself panicking about my recent job change choice;  what if when I start the new job they don't think I'm qualified and they let me go??  I called myself out on this... as being ridiculous.  I breathed deeply into my manipura chakra.  Tried to focus calm and not think of anything.  It was after that 10 minute mark that my focus was disturbed and the remaining 10 minutes of my meditation were full of "can't this be done yet?" thoughts... I need to work on combating resistance.   The suggestion is always add time for MORE meditation.  I was really hungry though so after dedicating a minute or two to mettā-meditation that I was ready to eat breakfast.

Daily Gratitude:  Glad that I was able to spend time with Amy and Andrew today.  Really glad that I had no obligations toward anyone else / that I was able to take the time and catch up on rest.  The night before I did not sleep all that well, I went to bed coughing.  When I woke up I felt a slight nervousness in my stomach so it was good to move straight into my yoga and meditation to start the day.  I shared one of *Brené Brown's TED talks with Andrew today (on Shame) and we both agreed how helpful her research/conversation is/relevant to all of us.  *BB is the woman who wrote the book I am reading on vulnerability and embracing our true self, rather than being fixated on trying to become who we are not.  Here are a few of my favorite quotes from The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are, Your Guide to a Wholehearted Life:

If we share our shame story with the wrong person, they can easily become one more piece of flying debris in an already dangerous storm.  We want solid connection in a situation like this–something akin to a sturdy tree firmly planted in the ground. We definitely want to avoid the following: 1. The friend who hears the story and actually feels shame for you.  She gasps and confirms how horrified you should be.  Then there is awkward silence.  Then you have to make her feel better.  2. The friend who responds with sympathy (I feel so sorry for you) rather than empathy (I get it, I feel with you, and I've been there). If you want to see a shame cyclone turn deadly, throw me one of these at it: "Oh, you poor thing." Or, the incredibly passive-agressive southern version of sympathy: "Bless your heart."  3. The friend who needs you to be the pillar of worthiness and authenticity. She can't help because she's too disappointed in your imperfections. You've let her down.  4. The friend who is so uncomfortable with vulnerability that she scolds you: "How did you let this happen? What were you thinking?" or she looks for someone to blame: "Who was that guy? We'll kick his ass."  5. The friend who is all about making it better and, out of her own discomfort, refuses to acknowledge that you can actually be crazy and make terrible choices: "you're exaggerating. It wasn't that bad. You rock. You're perfect. Everyone loves you." 6. The friend who confuses "connection" with the opportunity to one-up you: "That's nothing.  Listen to what happened to me one time!" (10).

Our stories are not meant for everyone.  Hearing them is a privilege, and we should always ask ourselves this before we share:  "Who has earned the right to hear my story?"  If we have one or two people in our lives who can sit with us and hold space for our shame stories, and love us for our strengths and struggles, we are incredibly lucky.  If we have a friend, or a small group of friends, or family who embraces our imperfections, vulnerabilities, and power, and fills us with a sense of belonging, we are incredibly lucky.  We don't need love and belonging and story-catching from everyone in our lives, but we need it from at least one person or that small group of confidants, the best way to acknowledge these connections is to acknowledge our worthiness.  If we're working toward relationships based in love, belonging, and story, we have to start in the same place: I am worthy (48). 

Day 33: Oct. 24, 2013

Today I woke up feeling anxious.  I wonder how many times I have used that word – anxious – in all my postings.  Must be the season.  I decided last night to accept the position at the union despite all its mysteries and unknowns.  When I woke up I felt my "stomach" feeling like it was churning into knots;  the exact location was my solar plexus/manipura/3rd chakra.  This is the place where fulfillment, self-esteem and transformation takes place.  I have been doing a lot of deep breathing and engaging my Uddiyana bandha; perhaps this has something to do with my growing sense of awareness.  I have no doubt that my daily yoga practice has had an impact on my ability to perceive and understand myself.

When I could not sleep/stay in bed anymore I got up and went to the bathroom, then I went into the living room and rolled out my yoga mat.  I did 10 Sun Salutation As and 5 Sun Salutation Bs.


The first sequence of Bs my brain was so absorbed in my breath that I found myself hanging out in downward facing dog before I corrected myself and started over;  I needed to instead:


1. exhale, hands to floor, knees bent, eyes ahead.  

2. inhale, arms overhead, knees remain bent, eyes beyond fingertips

3. exhale, fold forward, straighten knees, gaze at or through knees

4. inhale, half way lift, gaze up

5. exhale, hands down to mat, step feet back into plank and lower down through low push up

6. inhale, raise torso up and back, lifting through the chest, lift weight of body off of legs, holding through tops of feet; gaze is up at the ceiling.

7. exhale, roll toes and bring hips up and back, stretch through to an upside down V shape; gazing at navel, immediately bring right foot up towards front of mat between hands and plant left foot back

8. inhale and lift up, right knee is bent, left leg stays long and strong, arms are overhead; gaze is up toward fingertips

9. exhale hands down to mat, step right foot back to left; lower down through chaturunga... 

10. inhale, rise up, upward facing dog; eyes up, check lifted

11. exhale, hips up and back into downward facing dog, bring left foot up this time and plant right foot...  then finish sequence.

As you can see, a lot to remember and internalize.  I was sweating and this was reassuring, as it was chilly in the living room and I wanted to be warm in my practice.  I was working hard to engage my bandahs and engage my ujjayi pranayama breath.  I thought about doing the standing postures but I was again, anxious to get on to my day.  


I made a plan to shower, write a letter of resignation, get dressed for professional interaction with Pauline and with Arnie.  I wanted to go over to Pauline first to sign documents and then go to Arnie to resign.  


I called Pauline first to tell her I was coming and she said there was no need but that if I wanted the job it was mine and that I should come in next Monday to do paperwork and a drug screening.  I felt a little uneasy; I wanted something tangible to make it more real, so I could trust that it was actually happening... I did not want to resign without a promise of something waiting for me on the other side... I called my Mom and she said not to worry, so I went ahead with my letter and went to visit Arnie.  He was very receptive but sad to hear my decision.  He had hoped I would stay and develop there;  he said he could see a lot of potential but that he wanted me to be happy and hoped I was making the best decision for myself.  He squeezed my hand and hugged me as I left.  He appreciated me coming in to tell him instead of just quitting.  He was glad to know that I enjoyed the environment and that no one had done anything to make me want to leave/that it was purely my own decision.  It was difficult for me, I almost cried.  I thanked him for the opportunity and for entrusting me with his department, especially as an outsider as they had internal candidates that were interested too.  Sarajean congratulated me in my decision (she was the woman from HR); what a sweet soul she is.  I am grateful to her and for her support.  She helped me feel good about my choice despite the fact that it was not easy for me.


For my yoga meal I enjoyed a piece of salmon with cauliflower.  I had dinner with my Mom; she wanted to check in on me and see how the resignation went.  I was still a little foggy when she came to pick me up.  I think, like I assured her, I would feel better about my decision once I actually start working.  It's weird to be in limbo for a week and a half... I don't really feel like making a LinkedIn update or Facebook update until it's official.  It is so weird since I had such an outpouring of support for my change.  I know it's not the job, that it was me that people were approving; I don't need to worry about their approval but I certainly feel like I am taking the road less travelled.  It is weird to go from a title at a location that is familiar to people to an unknown place.  I don't need brand recognition to succeed but I anticipate that people will go, "oh... okay" and kind of glaze over when I talk about the Union... anyway, back to my meal.  No distractions, good conversation in balance with attention paid to food/eating.  Chewing each bite before going after the next one.  My salmon had this awesome horseradish sauce; who knew that would be such an awesome paring??  It's now 9:00 (about two hours after eating dinner) and now I am hungry again so I might go after a snack of grapes.  I passed on dessert although it was offered at dinner.




Hoping I can sleep soundly tonight.  I really need that.  Then I will spend my Friday and Saturday doing "yoga work" filling out my worksheets, practicing asanas and watch that anatomy movie.  I plan to go to the Slow Burn class at 4:30 tomorrow but we'll see where I end up.  Saturday I might try to go to that donation class for Saint Paul schools/fundraising for kid's lunches(breakfasts?).  I might read a little bit for fun and then I really do need to relax.  I've been so stressed these past few days.  I don't do well with making choices, so this was a good challenge for me.  I hope to get better at making choices.


Gratitude:  I have had the opportunity to speak up for my wants and needs today.  I have accepted yet another job from this life of abundance.  I should never fear for lack of options.  Truely.  In the past I used to fear and feel stuck; nevermore!

Day 32: Oct. 23, 2013

Had a difficult day.  Spent the early morning hours working at the Seward.  Arrived at 5:55 a.m. and got right to work.  I spent the entire day trying to decide if it was really for me.  Ate "lunch" at 8:50 a.m.  Observed at 2 p.m. that I was exhausted, mentally and physically.  Emotionally drained because I had to make a decision on whether or not I would accept the Union position that had been offered to me the day before.  Pauline spent a good amount of time with me on the phone trying to explain the benefits to me.  I did not know what I wanted but she urged me to take more time to think about it and call her back in the morning.

I decided after talking to her that I really was not enjoying the hard/physical labor of my position and that I really did not want to do what I was doing/that I am more geared towards an office position at this time in my life.  Not to mention the benefits and pay are exactly where I want to be.  The biggest fear holding me back = not knowing how it will be at the union.  What if they lay me off after three months?  I can't let fear drive my car, according to my mom.  It's a great opportunity and I should felt compelled to take it.  That's right, I even consulted horoscopes which as fortune would have it supported my decision to leave the Seward and take the leap of faith/take the unknown job at the union.  I felt sick to my stomach all night.

I did my own yoga practice around 6 p.m. at Andrew's place.  5 Sun As and 5 Sun Bs; was too tired to do anything else.  In my savasana I felt like a limp noodle.  A mixture between being happy and sad.

Yoga meal? It was one of those days where I had been so absorbed in my head that I realized around 5 p.m. that I hadn't eaten since 8:50 a.m.  I had some of Pippa's sweet potato stew.  I ate alone, focused on my meal and had zero external distractions.

Gratitude:  People were so nice to me at the Seward today.  Sheena who was training me took time to answer my questions and provide me with tasks to get me oriented into the grocery side of things.  I was "training" with Dan, who had transferred from the Deli.  Joe, the shift lead, was a former Dairy dept. person and met about a dozen other people that helped me throughout the day.  I could tell they were all really happy to have me there.  I think it was my lack of sleep the night before (and the poor sleep I had several nights in a row beforehand) that contributed to my poor constitution.  Sheena shared a part of her grapefruit with me that morning on break, that was really sweet.  I think she really wanted me to feel welcome.  I did.  I was grateful to get home and talk with my Mom, Andrew and Dad before calling Pauline.  I've waffled so much about this decision.  Who knew that "problem" would arise (having multiple job offers).  All of my friends and loved ones have my back, even if this falls on its face.  We're all hoping for the best, that it pans out into something long term that I love.  I'm gambling; it's scary.  I don't want to disappoint the Seward people who have been so good to me.  They have a great thing going there.  I guess I just didn't feel like now was the time for me to be doing a physical labor position.  I want more to do with numbers, organizing and problem solving.  These were all present in the grocery replenishment buyer position but being that I did not feel "happy" there yesterday I think was telling.  I was radiant when I interviewed last Friday with the Union.  I felt good about myself and my abilities.  Of course now I am filled with doubt; what if they don't think I'm good enough.  GRATITUDE:  I need to remember to TRUST myself and my decisions.  That others think highly of me and support me no matter what.  That I can hopefully rest well tonight...

Day 31: Oct. 22, 2013

So I woke up to a voicemail message from Pauline today.  The Union called and asked her to extend an offer to me.  It isn't for the job I applied/interviewed for last Friday.  It is a position that would work directly with the office coordinator they had hired last Friday (it would be a support role that would perform essentially the same tasks; answer phones, direct union members to their representatives; file paper work, write reports, basic accounting).

I have several fears/questions about the assistant coordinator position. What if I don't enjoy the person they hired as my supervisor?  What if after a period of time they decide to just go with one of us and my position get eliminated?  What if I feel isolated in an office setting?  I tend to think I would thrive autonomously doing projects but I also enjoy interacting with people and like hearing/sharing stories, which I feel would be more prevalent in the Seward setting.  I have 8+ years experience working in a grocery store but what if I don't want to be there after a period of time.  How will my experience at the Seward get me ahead anywhere in life if I decide not to stay in the food/wellness industry?  Existential questions, really.

After asking Christine, Andrew and Laura for feedback I spent some time alone with myself.  I did my meditation in the afternoon before going to yoga today.  I went to Jan's Hot Vinyasa Yoga class at 4:45.  I arrived late.  When I came into the room the only spot remaining was by the door.  I was scrunched.  Usually when I am late I don't bother coming in but today was a day I felt like I needed to practice with others and I hoped my late entrance did not disturb others too greatly.  During Sun Salutation A's  Jan came over and whispered a question in my ear, "How are your Sun Salutation Bs?"  I stammered quietly, "they're okay" and she said "great, I will lead two and you will lead the third one. okay?"  So when it came time to lead I was absolutely terrified.  I wasn't going to run away but I felt like the order of the asanas left me;  I managed to cry out the beginning of the sequence, stumbled across the breath, movement and drishti of the flow... somehow managed to pull them all out of uttkatasana in the end and back to sama-sthiti.  I was a complete wreck.  Jan at the end encouraged me by saying the first time is always the worst; I think she must be right.  There were at least 40 people in the room.  I hope that by practicing on my own and with others more this week I will gain more confidence.

For my yoga meal I ate another bowl of soup from Pippa's Sunday batch; I feel like it has really stretched this week.  Of course it's only Tuesday, but we have like three or four more containers of it in the fridge.  I ate rather quickly; without distractions and without conversation. However, I feel like my appreciation for the meal was not there, I was too busy thinking about job offers and what I was going to do about it...  I chewed each bite thoroughly before swallowing but I didn't wait before scooping up the next spoonful/holding it there in front of me while I chewed.  I did not over eat and I remained seated the entire time but as soon as I was done I rushed off to wash my bowl and spoon so I could "get on to the next thing."

I am journaling now before I go to bed; I have an alarm set to go off at 9 p.m. when I need to go upstairs.  I need to wake up tomorrow at 4:45 a.m. to get ready for work/make sure I get there on time.  I heard there might be snow/freezing rain?

Gratitude:  Surprised and thankful for the generous offer from the Union; not quite sure what to do with that information but happy to have options for my life at this time.  I want to give the Seward a try so in a way it is really great that this has happened the way it did.  I was really hoping that all the debating would be over by now but I guess I will see how it goes tomorrow and then make a decision based on my gut feeling/comparing pay and benefits.  Happy to have Jan guide me today through a vinyasa class that was quite intense.  Glad she trusted me to lead a Sun B.  It helped me know what I need to work on.  I think my projection is fine (could always improve); my understanding of poses is also fine but need more I need to find more succinct phrasing to get people moving from one position to the next and not let myself get confused.  I need to eat, breathe and sleep yoga for a while.  Thankfully I have time to do that these next few months of practice.  I will try to incorporate more home practice too even though I prefer my group classes.